


All The Rainbow's Heavy Tones

by Recourse



Series: Lift Up These Lifeless Bones [1]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Alternative Universe - Max Never Returned to Arcadia Bay, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Crisis of Faith, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, The Dark Room and all associated warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-11-07 09:35:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 71,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11056242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: Kate isn't supposed to make friends with juvenile delinquents. But when she witnesses Chloe having a breakdown on campus, she can't help but come to her aid. This small act ends up forging a connection that changes both of their fates.A world where Max never returned to Arcadia Bay. Kate is lonely, Chloe is lost, and there are no time powers to save anyone.





	1. Luke 10:30

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xanfiction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanfiction/gifts).



>  
> 
> _Lord, lift up these lifeless bones  
>  Light cascading through the windows, all the rainbow's heavy tones_  
> 

Kate knew Rachel Amber’s name before she met anyone else at Blackwell.

The same MISSING poster has haunted the walls and lampposts of the school since she arrived. She saw the first one leaving the parking lot with her parents, her mother tittering something about it being a bad sign. “Make sure you don’t end up like that,” she’d told Kate, rapping the poster on the corkboard as they made their way to Kate’s dorm. “Keep your head down.”

Kate has. It’s been easy, since people don’t really seem to want to talk to her. No temptation to avoid when no one wants to tempt you, or even come to your club meetings. Every time she walks past the corkboard she wants to tear her own flyers down, but she always sees Rachel Amber’s face, and it stops her. Someone’s still looking for her. Someone still cares. Why would Kate give up so easily on herself, when there’s this girl out there that someone still hasn’t given up on?

When she actually sees who’s been putting them up, it feels like a violation.

She’s sitting under a tree in the quad, reading Bradbury for one of her classes during lunch, when she hears the _slam-click_ of a stapler. It jolts her, but she keeps her head down. No reason to make a fuss.

_Slam-click._

_Slam-click._

_Slam. Slam. Slam-slam-slam._

Kate can’t help it. She looks up, across the quad, and sees her.

A tall girl, clad in a ratty leather jacket and jeans, neon blue hair poking out from under a black beanie, pounding a broken stapler into a telephone pole. Her attacks grow more frantic, louder and louder hits, faster and faster. Kate jumps to her feet as the girl rears back, letting out a frustrated scream.

Kate should do something. Good Samaritan rules, and she’s about to—

Well. She doesn’t reach the girl quite in time. The stapler shatters in half as she throws it against the pole, spinning out in two separate directions as Kate runs up trying to...do something.

The girl leans her head against the pole, crumpling the stack of posters in her free hand. Her eyes are shut tight. She lets out a sob just as Kate reaches her. And now Kate’s not sure what to do.

She tentatively touches the girl’s shoulder, whispering “Hey.” Just get her attention. She needs help, Kate. It’s so obvious.

She whirls around, spitting out a “What?!” before she sees Kate. Kate backs off a step, staring into this stranger’s reddened, angry eyes, her bleeding eyeliner, the pain written all over her face.

Kate steels herself. Remembers her father’s sermons and breathes. It’s a simple question but it can mean so much. “Are you okay?”

She pauses for a moment, then sighs and lets out a laugh. “Jesus Christ, you must be new around here.”

She leans her back against the pole and slides down until she’s sitting on the grass. She pulls the posters into her lap, staring down like Kate doesn’t even exist. “Fuck,” she whispers, covering her eyes with her free hand.

“I—I am new, actually,” Kate says carefully, crouching down to her level.

“Lucky fuckin’ you.” She sighs. “Welcome to Arcadia Bay, sister, get the fuck out as soon as you can.” Kate almost wants to take a step back. Her voice is raw and painful, something scratching in her throat. “At least you _can_ ,” she mutters, looking away.

Kate considers backing off. Just for a moment. Leave this girl to herself and her own struggle, let her deal with this — whatever it is — on her own. She can feel how hard she’s trying to push Kate away. But that’s not what her father raised her to do.

She carefully takes a seat beside the girl. “What’s wrong?” she asks softly, wanting to reach out and touch her shoulder, let her know she’s safe. She’s not sure if she’d get hit for that, though, looking at the way her shoulders are tensed.

She takes in a sudden breath, then laughs humorlessly. “Oh, fuck.” she says, leaning her head up to the sky. “You know, you — you, fuckin’ rando-ass prissy Bible girl — you are the first person to ask me that in six goddamn months.”

Kate almost wants to take offense to the girl’s characterization of her — but, well, it’s not like she can’t see where she got it from. She knows she stands out on the Blackwell campus in her modest skirts and cardigans. But her mother always said she should look her best, always be put together to show the world she is serious. The gold cross around her neck is surely what prompted the Bible comment, and it’s not _wrong._

“Oh, God, this is pathetic. Go away, don’t waste your time,” the girl continues, closing her eyes.

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” Kate says.

“Why not? Everyone else did.” She sniffs.

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

Her eyes narrow. “You don’t know anything about me. My dad died, my mom married a complete piece of shit, my best friend moved away and never talked to me again, and, oh, yeah, _this_ bitch.” She slaps the stack of posters on her lap.

Kate’s eyes widen. “What did she do to you?”

She stares down at the pages. “We were supposed to run away together.”

The hairs on the back of Kate’s neck stand up.

“She was everything to me. I thought she loved me. I thought she _got it._ But she left.” She furiously wipes at her eyes. “She left me like everyone else.”

“Then why are you putting those posters up?” Kate asks as gently as she can.

“What else am I supposed to do?” she asks in return. “I—I have to think she didn’t leave even though everyone else thinks she did. O-or that, that at least she’s alive. Everyone gave up on her, even her parents. I don’t...I don’t fucking know anymore.” She hangs her head, pulling her beanie off. Her hair has such interesting blending tones.

Kate tries not to get distracted. She shuffles closer to the girl, reaching out and touching her shoulder. To her surprise, she leans into it.

“I’m such a fucking disaster,” she mumbles. “You—you shouldn’t even talk to me, I—nobody else fucking does, no one cares—”

Kate pulls her into a hug, because it’s all she can think to do. She feels the girl tense up at first, but then she relaxes into her hold. Kate smells cigarettes.

“I’m sorry,” Kate whispers, tears stinging at her own eyes for this poor stranger. She’s felt alone for a long time, but not the way this girl has.

The bell sounds throughout the campus, startling them both. Kate pulls back reluctantly, wanting to stay, wanting to help, somehow. The girl’s looking away, like she’s embarrassed.

“Thanks,” she mumbles. “But you should...go to class or whatever.”

“Don’t you need to go too?” Kate asks.

She snorts. “I’m expelled. Shouldn’t even be on campus.”

“Oh.” Kate bites her lip, resting on her knees, hands wringing in her lap. “Listen, I...if you ever need to talk…”

“You don’t have to—”

“Do you want my number?”

They make eye contact for the first time, and Kate’s struck by how blue her eyes are. Despite the rim of red, they’re quite pretty. Captivating. Open.

“...yeah. Sure. Uh, what’s your name?”

“I’m Kate. Kate Marsh.”

“Chloe.” Chloe reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone, letting Kate type in the numbers herself. As the second bell rings, Kate stands to leave, and Chloe speaks up.

“Hey. Thanks. Seriously. You — you didn’t have to come over.” Chloe takes in a deep breath. “Watch yourself, all right? This town’ll eat you if you’re not careful.”

“I will,” Kate promises. She spares Chloe one last look as she gets to her feet, heading off towards the parking lot.

It’s strange to think about, but she’d really like to get a text from Chloe sometime. Maybe she’s not the kind of girl Kate should have as a friend, but maybe that doesn’t matter.

 

* * *

 

_Click._

The sound of a shutter is all that Chloe can hear. It comes up out of the murk, the blur surrounding her, harsh white light flooding her vision as soon as she tries to open her eyes.

_Click. Click._

Visions stumble through Chloe’s head. A club. No ID required. Rich kid. Drinks on him. And then…

_Click._

Her limbs are heavy. She can feel the floor against her cheek. She tries to open her eyes again, focus them.

There he is. Leering over her, on his knees, camera in hand.

_Click._

Something primal surges within Chloe, the survival instinct that she suppresses every time she draws a razor down her wrist. This time it’s welcome, this time it’s needed, this time she needs to strike _out_ at this fucking creep, needs to run, needs to get away.

She kicks out and misses, a lamp falling on his back and pinning him. Chloe scrambles, barely managing to get to her feet as he struggles beneath broken glass. She falls against the dorm room door, pounds a fist against it uselessly before realizing the thing is locked and has a handle. She doesn’t look behind her as she hears the lamp shift, Nathan — that’s his name, _Nathan_ — groaning, something about her being a bitch that she’s definitely heard before. Her fingers are clumsy but she manages to release the lock and push down on the handle, and she bolts.

Her feet aren’t steady beneath her and she slams against the walls of the hall more than once, but he doesn’t follow, and she eventually throws her body against the glass doors and emerges into the cold night October air.

She darts around the stairwell and curls her knees up, hidden in the dark behind decorative bushes, the scratches they leave on her arms worth being hidden and quiet. She breathes. She’s not even sure if she was breathing before.

The world around her vibrates at an unbearable frequency. She can’t steady herself, only barely knows where she is.

She checks her pockets. Tries to understand that basic thing, if she has what she needs. Wallet. Phone. Keys.

She can’t drive right now. She can barely walk.

He’s still in there. Could still come out.

She pulls out her phone, tries to stop the text from swimming. Rachel. Rachel will help her.

Rachel is dead.

No. Rachel is gone. The calls go straight to voicemail. She’s not dead she can’t be dead.

Instead she left without Chloe, left her here, trying to get money from this psychopath and ending up —

Ending up drugged.

That’s the first time the word goes through Chloe’s mind and she wants to scream. Such an _idiot._ If David ever knew he’d tell her she deserved it.

There’s no one to call. No one to help her. Everyone left.

Except, who’s Kate?

Stapler smashed in half against a telephone pole. Cute girl. Cross necklace. Hugs and shoulder touches from a stranger. Good Samaritan. _If you ever need to talk._

She tries to text.

**Me:**

_help_

She’s not sure what else to say. It’s what she needs. It takes forever for a response.

**Kate:**

_Who is this? What’s wrong?_

**Me:**

_chleo_

_by th boys dorms_

_notsafe_

_drugs_

**Kate:** **  
**

_What do you need?_ _  
_

**Me:**

_place to stay_

_help walking_

_something_

_sorry_

**Kate:**

_I’ll come find you. Stay put. You’re by the boy’s dorms?_

**Me:**

_yes_

_imsorry_

**Kate:**

_I’ll be there as soon as I can._

Chloe hangs her head and closes her eyes, tired of deciphering the screen. The buzzing in her head has stopped, mostly. She can hear the quiet sounds of the night now, the rustling of branches as small animals move in the trees and bushes.

She puts her knees to her chest and hides her face. It’s not until she hears quiet footsteps that she looks up again. The world’s coming back into focus. She can hear a soft voice whispering, “Chloe?”

She tries to stand, ends up making a racket as she emerges from the bushes. Kate’s standing under a lamppost, clad in slippers, green sweats, and a cute flower-print t-shirt. Her hair’s down around her shoulders — so _much —_ and her green eyes are wide with worry.

“Chloe!” she hisses, running up to her. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Chloe tries to make words come out but it’s a garbled mess. Kate looks at her with concern, putting a hand on her shoulder. “What?” Kate asks, and Chloe takes a deep breath.

“S-someone drugged me. Put something in my drink. Took me back to his room. I—I can’t drive, Kate, I need…”

Kate gasps. “Are you — did he —”

“I got outta there,” Chloe says quickly. “I—I just—”

“Shouldn’t we call the police?”

“No. Nonono. Wouldn’t matter anyway.” Nathan’s immune to police. Chloe always knew that.

Chloe feels a sudden wave of nausea and doubles over, Kate holding her so she won’t fall. “Just...Need somewhere to stay. Sleep it off.”

“I—okay. If you’re sure. We should hurry, sometimes the guard’s around at night…” Kate looks around anxiously. “Can you walk?”

“Mostly,” Chloe mumbles.

Kate bites her lip, then takes Chloe’s hand. She’s trembling as she starts leading Chloe across campus. But it’s nice, in a weird way. Someone came when Chloe called. Even if she didn’t deserve to be saved.

The walk’s a blur, much as the rest of the evening, until she’s in Kate’s room and the space makes sense to her again. Small. Confined. Safe.

Chloe falls onto Kate’s sofa and feels like her body’s losing all nervous connections. Adrenaline’s drained from her system and left her with nothing but exhaustion.

Kate leans down beside the couch as Chloe stretches herself across it, her vision already beginning to fade. “Do you need anything?” Kate asks. “I...I’m not really sure what I should do…”

“You did good,” Chloe mumbles, reaching up and touching her cheek. “I’m sorry, I’m such a fucking mess—”

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m just...I’m glad I can help. Are you sure you don’t want to go to the police?”

Chloe shakes her head. “They wouldn’t care.”

“But — Chloe, that’s their _job_ —”

Chloe can’t help but laugh. She’s so innocent. “They’ll just arrest me for having drugs in my system and call it a fuckin’ night. Pigs,” she spits.

“If you’re sure.” Kate’s voice is barely audible.

“You did enough,” Chloe assures her. “I—I’ll be okay.” She pats Kate’s shoulder. “Thanks. For real. I owe you food.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Kate looks reluctant to leave her side, but Chloe’s fading fast. She closes her eyes and lets it take her.

The last thing she feels is Kate’s touch, fingertips checking her neck for a pulse.


	2. Proverbs 22:3

Kate’s not sure if she fell asleep, but it’s morning now. Well, six o’clock. The sun hasn’t even fully risen yet, but she can see Chloe across from her on the couch, sleeping like the dead. She can hear her breathing, though, despite her fears last night.

She doesn’t know how that kind of drug even works. It seems like something that’s supposed to happen to other people, bad girls who go out and party and make stupid mistakes. Kate supposes she should think of Chloe as that kind of girl, but when she’s face-to-face with her like this, it’s impossible to just ignore the pain she’s in. This is the first time Kate has seen her without her face twisted up in hurt or rage.

She’s pretty, beneath it all.

Kate looks at her clock again. She needs to get up soon. To shower and change and get breakfast. She’s never had an overnight guest like this before, not even a slumber party as a kid. So what does she...do? Wait for her to wake up? Wake her up herself? Try to act like she doesn’t exist until she wakes up?

She doesn’t particularly like the thought of changing in front of Chloe. She always closes the blinds when she does, even late at night with the lights off.

Luckily, just as Kate starts to slide out of bed, wanting to pace while she worries, Chloe groans and rolls over. She puts a hand to her forehead, sitting up and squeezing her eyes closed.

“Chloe?” Kate asks gently. Chloe jumps, eyes struggling to focus as she turns towards Kate’s voice.

“Shit,” is the first word out of her mouth, then “Sorry.” She runs a hand down her face. “Why am I in your room?”

“You...you needed help. Don’t you remember?” Kate asks.

“Mmm. Kinda.” Chloe’s voice struggles through her throat. “I—I went to a club...met that rich fuck...and then…” She falls forward, putting her face in her hands. “Fuck. I’m such an _idiot._ ”

“Chloe, it’s—”

“And I called _you_ up because nobody else would help me. Fucking pathetic.” Chloe groans at herself, standing up. “God, I’m just gonna get out of here, sorry—”

“Wait.” Kate grabs her wrist as she turns towards the door. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m not, but it’s not your problem.” Chloe avoids looking at her, though she doesn’t move.

“I just want to make sure you’ll be all right,” Kate says quietly. “I can’t just let you walk out the door.”

Chloe sighs. “I’m...I’ll be okay. And thanks. Really. You didn’t need to help me.”

“Of course I did.” Kate couldn’t do anything less.

“I owe you anyway.” Chloe gently tugs out of Kate’s grip. “Listen, I, like, don’t have a lot of cash—”

“You don’t need to—”

“But how about dinner on me tonight? Just, I don’t know, a thank you.” Chloe shrugs, still looking away from Kate. “My mom works at the diner in town. I get a discount.”

Kate thinks for a moment. It’s not a bad idea. It’d get her out of the dorms. But she feels like it’s actually taking a step towards being friends with Chloe, which surely is something she’s not supposed to do. But Dana’s taking her to that party tonight, and that isn’t something she’d normally do either, so…

“Sure. We’d have to go a little early, though. I’m going out to the party tonight.”

“You mean a VC party?” Chloe looks at her skeptically. “Really? You?”

Kate blushes. “One of my friends convinced me,” she says with a shrug.

“All right, Kate. It’s a date.” And Chloe smiles at her, really genuinely smiles, and it’s so nice to see that Kate almost forgets to say goodbye as Chloe heads out the door.

 

* * *

 

Chloe’s considered calling Kate and telling her to forget the whole thing at least a hundred times today, but here she is, pulling into the Blackwell parking lot. She showered, washed her hair even, wore her least shitty clothes, the actually-intact jeans and a nice Offspring tour t-shirt (precious, worn rarely, too full of good Portland memories of a concert and a shared futon with Rachel.) Like this is an actual date.

She puts her head on the steering wheel once she’s parked. Why does she even care this much? She should just leave Kate’s life. They don’t fit. Chloe never really fits with anyone.

Yet it’s been so long since she had a conversation with someone who wasn’t against her from the start. When she came home this afternoon after taking the bus to find her truck, she’d had to talk to her mom, and that had gone _so_ well after being missing for a day and a half. Chloe could give her no satisfying answers, but Joyce did calm down after she said someone helped her out of a bad situation and that she was hoping to thank her tonight. She dreads the coming confrontation with David.

That settles it. She’d rather have a slightly awkward dinner with Kate now than go straight home to David’s bitching, since he’ll be getting off soon. She texts Kate and lets her know where she’s waiting.

Chloe gets out and leans against the passenger side door, watching the parking lot entrance. After a minute, Kate becomes visible, her head ducked low and her hands clasped together. A rolled-up wrapper or something hits her in the back of the head, and she merely quickens her step. Chloe tenses up, wanting to run over there and find out who did that and give them a fist in the mouth, but Kate’s in front of her now, looking harried.

“Hey,” she says, lifting her head up and sweeping her hair out of her eyes. “Should, uh, should we go?”

“Who was that?” Chloe asks, peering over Kate’s shoulder. “Do I need to bust somebody up?”

“It’s fine, just some as—just some jerks. They just don’t like me because I’m religious. I never even _talked_ to them.” There’s a note of bitterness in Kate’s voice.

“This school always had its pack of assholes,” Chloe agrees sagely, patting her on the shoulder. “So let’s get away from it, yeah?”

“Sounds good,” Kate says, smiling up at her. “Thanks, by the way. It’s been so long since I got off campus.”

“You don’t get to thank me,” Chloe scoffs as she heads around the truck. “You’re the one who saved me from my own dumbassery.”

“You don’t owe me anything. Anyone would’ve done the same,” Kate says as she gets into the passenger seat.

“God, you are so cute,” Chloe says with a laugh. “You clearly haven’t been out in the real world. Keep it that way, you’ll stay nice.”

Chloe spots Kate’s blush as she checks her mirrors and starts to back out of her space. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to make fun of you,” Chloe says quickly.

“No, it’s all right,” Kate says quietly. “I know I don’t really get out there that much. That’s why I came out here, why I’m going to the party tonight. I...I’d like to be a little smarter.”

“You’re not dumb, Kate,” Chloe admonishes. “I’m just a cynical asshole. I know not everyone is shit, it just feels that way sometimes.”

“You seem like you’ve had a pretty hard life. It makes sense.” Kate’s words seem uncertain, but it’s nice to not be called a whiner for once.

Chloe wants to downplay it all. Call herself a loser, say everything’s really her fault. But Kate really doesn’t need to hear it, and Chloe doesn’t need to say it, and for once she feels like she can just be here without conflict. It’s almost like Chloe’s with Rachel again. Almost.

“So where are we going?” Kate asks, jolting Chloe out of her thoughts.

“It’s called the Two Whales. Greasy fifties diner sorta place. You’re not vegan or anything, right?”

Kate shakes her head. “No, I’m okay with that.”

“Cool. Rachel was — is — not a fan of the place.” Chloe bites her tongue. Don’t bring her up. The last thing Chloe needs to do is remind Kate of how they met, when Chloe looked like a complete psychopath smashing inanimate objects.

“It’ll be nice to go somewhere new in town. I’ve been meaning to look for a tea shop but I don’t really have anyone to go with me. My friends aren’t really into that kind of thing,” Kate replies.

“Shit, girl, I’ll help you find one. God knows I have nothing else to do.”

Kate giggles, then looks slightly annoyed at herself. Chloe wonders if she should tone down the swearing, but Kate hasn’t objected yet. “That sounds nice,” Kate admits, “though I didn’t really peg you for a tea-lover.”

“Hey, haven’t tried it yet,” Chloe says with a shrug. “If you’re such an expert, I’m sure you can get me something I’d like. Do they make tea with Red Bull?”

Kate laughs again and Chloe thinks _score._ Maybe being friends with her won’t be so hard after all. What a weird idea. It’ll probably make Mom happy, though.

As they pull into the lot behind the diner, Chloe grimaces. Mom is certainly going to be their waitress tonight, because she never misses a chance to humiliate Chloe. But she chooses not to burden Kate with that knowledge and instead leads her inside and prepares to let Joyce do the introductions.

Right on cue, she’s up at the front, looking Kate up and down and smiling. “Well aren’t you a proper little lady,” she says. “You sure you’re here with Chloe?”

“ _Mom,_ ” Chloe complains, eliciting a wide-eyed look of understanding from Kate.

“Oh! Hello, I’m Kate,” Kate says with a little jump. “I’m afraid I don’t know your—”

“Call me Joyce,” Joyce replies, patting her on the shoulder. “I heard you helped Chloe out of some trouble earlier. She could use more friends who get her _out_ of trouble instead of _into_ it.”

“Mom, can we skip the passive-aggressive insults for like a _second_ and get me and Kate a table?” Chloe asks in desperation.

“Just friendly teasing,” Joyce says, her face falling a bit. “But all right, I’ll stop yakking at you two. Here.”

She shows them to the booth in the corner and gives them their menus. Once they’ve pored over the menu and gotten their orders ready, Chloe finds it easy to settle in, feeling almost at home here despite the inevitable tension between her and her mother. She stretches herself across the seats and asks Kate whatever she can think of.

She learns that Kate’s here on an illustration scholarship for winning a contest back home. Chloe only barely holds herself back from asking Kate to draw her (she remembers how Max would complain if people asked her to take a picture whenever she said she wanted to be a photographer) but does request to see her sketchbook sometime. Kate’s got two sisters, her dad’s nice, her mom is, in her words, “a little strict sometimes but she means well.” Chloe quietly files her under “bitch” in her mind, but doesn’t press the issue.

Chloe tries not to talk too much about herself. She knows it’s a downer subject, and besides, Kate doesn’t need to hear about the things that were good, which was mostly juvenile delinquency with Rachel.

For her part, Kate seems to relax too. She sucks down the crap coffee here and looks strangely content, leaning against the booth once her meal’s done and sighing.

“What’s the serene Ghandi look for?” Chloe teases.

“Oh, I don’t know. I guess it’s just kind of nice to be doing this before I go to the party. I know we haven’t really had the most stress-free time the last couple of times we met, but I was actually was less nervous about this than the party tonight,” Kate explains. “And the sunlight’s beautiful right now. I should’ve brought a camera, this is a great view of town.”

“You in Jefferson’s class?” Chloe asks.

“Yeah!” Kate smiles wide. “I’m really glad I get to have such a cool teacher. Photography wasn’t what I came here for, but I’m starting to really like it.”

“Rachel liked that dude too. He always kinda gave me tryhard vibes though, to be honest.”

Kate giggles. “He could stand to stop trying to be hip, yeah.” She checks her phone. “Okay, the party should be starting soon. Can you give me a ride? I’ve got the address in my phone.”

“Yeah, sure.” Chloe vacates the table and leads Kate out after dropping a couple bucks for the tab. She’s nowhere close to paying it off, but hopefully it’ll keep Mom off her back.

“Bye, Kate! Nice to meet you!” Joyce calls as she sees them leaving.

“What, nothing for me?” Chloe shoots back.

“Nice to see you too, Chloe. Take care of that girl.”

“You have my word,” Chloe says, bowing as she pushes the door open with her back. Kate laughs and bids Joyce farewell in return.

Once they’ve piled into the truck and Kate’s phone starts giving them directions, Chloe takes a moment to enjoy the drive. Kate seem a bit nervous, less talkative than before, so Chloe puts in one of the CDs that Rachel gave her, some indie band with quiet whispering vocals to help soothe her. For a little while, Chloe can forget last night.

Once they’ve arrived at their destination, some rich kid’s condo, looks like, Chloe looks over at Kate. “Hey, you feeling all right?”

“Dana texted me to say she won’t be there,” Kate says, worrying at her lip. “Apparently she’s sick.”

“Oh.” Chloe considers. “Hey, if you start getting nervous or uncomfortable or hell, just bored, I can come and pick you up. No problem.”

“Thanks.” Kate breathes out a sigh. “It’s just a party, I know I shouldn’t be this nervous, but I thought she’d be there.” She opens the door. “But I said I’d come.”

“Hey, Kate?” Chloe says as she starts to slide out the door. It's a VC party. Kate should know. Should be able to protect herself. "Stay away from Nathan."

She stops and looks over her shoulder. Her eyes widen. "Wait, is he the one who—"

"Yeah. That's him." Chloe sucks in air through her teeth. "I know VC parties aren't all full of bad people. I used to go to them. But keep the fuck away from that creep. And don't try to play hero, all right? It's between me and him now." Chloe doesn't need to tell her what else she has planned. How she intends to get her money one way or the other.

"I-If you're sure, Chloe."

“Be safe, okay?”

“I will,” Kate promises.

She slams the door shut, and Chloe drives off, leaving her behind as night starts to fall.


	3. Isaiah 5:30

Kate is falling.

No, no, now she’s not; someone has her in his arms, looking down at her with a wide grin on his face. The room swims around her as he leans down, touches his lips to hers, and he tastes disgusting. Bright lights flash at the edges of her vision, neon oranges and blues. Her limbs are so heavy.

She tries to push back, break away, but she runs right into someone else and he’s laughing and grabbing her around the waist, and someone else is laughing too, a higher pitch. She swivels her head, and there’s someone holding up her phone, staring at it and making sure she’s getting a good picture. Blonde hair. Condescending cackle. _Victoria Chase._

Kate can’t think about that any more because the boy who has his hands on her is forcing his tongue into her mouth, wet and slimy and disgusting. She gags, and he pushes her back, laughing and calling out, “Oh man, she’s gonna throw up!”

She doesn’t know who he is. She doesn’t know where she is, what’s happening to her, why the room is so blurry and the beat so loud and her body coated in sweat. It’s only when _he_ shows up that she starts to piece parts of it together.

He appears in front of her, a mask of concern on his face. “Shit, Kate, are you okay?” Nathan asks, putting a hand on her shoulder.

_Keep the fuck away from that creep._

Kate throws him back. “No!” she shouts, shaking as people back away from her. Victoria’s still filming. Kate blinks rapidly, panting, her vision swimming before her.

A blast of cold air hits her back and she whirls to face it. There. There’s the door. She runs for it, shoving people out of the way, she needs to be out of here, _the fuck away from that creep._

But once she’s out, it’s dark. Pitch black. There’s streetlamps, somewhere, lampposts, but they all fade into the murk. Distance can’t be judged.

She hugs the wall until she can’t hear the beat anymore, sliding down against it with her heart pounding. The other buildings in the complex surround her but it’s better than staring at the open street. She still has her purse, at least. She tries to remember how she got here.

Chloe dropped her off. Chloe warned her. Kate had one drink.

Oh, God.

Stupid stupid stupid _stupid._ You never should have come here, it’s all your fault, he’s still in there and he could come and find you.

But going out into the darkness sounds just as terrifying. Her vision refuses to adjust.

She pulls out her phone, staring at the contact list. She doesn’t know how to call the police. Doesn’t know their number, and she can barely focus her eyes on the screen. But a name jumps out. Someone with a car. _I can come and pick you up._ Her voice always seems to resonate in Kate’s mind.

She tries to text, but it all comes out a keysmash mess. She hits the call button instead and holds the phone up to her ear.

“Kate?” comes out, clear as sunlight. Kate lets out a sob. “Kate, shit, you okay?”

“I’m…” Kate takes in a deep breath. “I think he drugged me.”

“Fucking piece of human _shit._ God, Kate, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let you even go in there—”

“It’s, it’s okay, C-Chloe, you said you’d come get me, can you come get me? I’m…” Kate swallows. “I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do, and—”

“Kate, stay calm, okay? I’m coming, I swear, I just—”

Kate hears footsteps in the grass and turns to see a tall dark figure against the sky. Something sharp shines in his hand.

Kate tries to untangle her legs and get up, get ready to run, but he’s too fast, and all she can do is cry out in pain as the needle plunges into her neck. The phone slips from her grasp. He picks her up under the shoulders and starts dragging her away.

The last thing Kate hears is Chloe’s voice, wrapped in static, calling her name into the night.

 

* * *

 

 

Chloe doesn’t hang up the phone.

It sits pressed against the steering wheel as she speeds through Arcadia Bay, as though she’s going to hear Kate say, _No, it’s all right, Chloe, you didn’t completely neglect me and I’m just having a great time at the party! False alarm!_

Chloe can’t stop thinking about another girl, another Vortex Club party, and the posters she makes by the hundred sitting in her room.

She drives faster.

She slams her car into park in the middle of the street once she sees the condo and jumps out of her car, ripping the keys from the ignition. She puts her phone to her ear. The connection’s still live.

“Kate? Kate, Jesus, answer me,” she begs, running up the lawn towards the front door. “Kate?” she asks again, something pricking at the edge of her hearing. Her own words echoing back to her. She keeps saying Kate’s name, following the sound until she finds a phone lying abandoned on the ground.

She swallows hard, picking up the phone, cancelling the connection. She checks the text history and only sees some garbled draft meant to be sent to her. Nothing. She’s just gone.

No. Somebody knows. Somebody in that fucking condo _knows_.

Chloe doesn’t let the chill in her chest control her. She can stop this. She can find him and she can stop this and Kate will be okay. She has to be. She can’t lose another one.

She stalks around the building to the front and opens the door, already pissed at how dark and loud it is in here. She scans the room, briefly glaring at anyone who dares to stare at her, until she spots Victoria _fucking_ Chase leaning against the table at the end of the room, giggling and looking at her phone with some purple-haired bitch.

Chloe shoves through the crowd and pushes Victoria back against the table, getting in her face. “Where the hell is Kate?” she shouts over the music.

“What the fuck do you care?” Victoria spits back, though she doesn’t try to push Chloe back. They both know Chloe’s stronger. They’ve fought enough times for that to sink in.

“Where _is_ she?” Chloe demands again, grabbing hold of Victoria’s top and bringing their faces together. Victoria’s eyes widen as her friend slowly backs off. Chloe can feel Victoria tensing, the fear running through her.

Good.

“I don’t know,” Victoria says, her voice wavering. “She was trashed out of her fucking mind. Nathan tried to ask if she was okay and she freaked out and ran away—”

Chloe slams her against the table again. “Where’s Nathan?!”

“Jesus, I don’t fucking know, okay? He went out to get more beer, I think,” Victoria stammers.

Chloe lets go of Victoria, her brain screaming. She’s too late. She has no idea where Nathan is. No idea what happened to Kate. But she can guess.

Without another word she runs back out of the house and jumps into her car, heading for Blackwell.

She pulls into the lot across two spaces because who _cares_ and sprints across campus to the boy’s dorms. She tries the door and finds it locked, of course, and paces back and forth in front of it, trying to think. The doors are glass. If she found something heavy…

Then she remembers she does know people in there and takes her phone out. She calls Justin first.

“Hey, man, you at the dorms?” she asks before he can even get out a hello.

“Uh, yeah, Chloe. Why are you calling me? What’s up?”

“Come and let me in. Now.”

“Chloe, we haven’t talked in like six months, what the—”

“I think Kate’s in there and Nathan is _fucking_ with her, just come and open the fucking door!”

“Jesus, okay, just give me a minute.”

Chloe hangs up the call, anxiously jittering until Justin shows up and pushes the door open. “Where’s Nathan’s room?” she asks.

“Down this way,” Justin says, rubbing his eyes. “Seriously, Chloe, what’s going on?”

“I think Nathan drugged Kate. He drugged me a couple nights ago and now she’s gone. She called me, but then she just cut off, and I went there and found her phone but no one knows where she or Nathan are and…”

“Holy shit,” Justin mumbles. “I mean, I knew he was kind of a scumbag, but...he drugged _you?_ ”

“I was an idiot, okay? I got away, but I don’t know if Kate’s gonna be that lucky.” Chloe takes in a deep breath. “God, I shouldn’t have left her at the party all alone, I can’t _believe_ I was so fucking stupid—” 

“C-come on, Chloe, let’s just figure out if you’re right,” Justin stammers. “This one,” he adds, pointing at a door. There’s no light under the crack.

Chloe slams her fist into it. “Prescott, open this fucking door!” she shouts. Nothing. Sweat beads on Chloe’s skin.

“I don’t think he’s here, Chloe,” Justin says. “I mean—”

Chloe runs over, grabs the fire extinguisher off the wall, and slams down hard on the lock until it shatters. Justin covers his ears as lights start flicking on in other rooms, but Chloe doesn’t care, doesn’t think, just kicks open the door and finds an empty room.

“Fuck!” is all she can think to say, throwing the extinguisher at her feet. “Where the hell are they?”

“Look, man, you should get out of here,” Justin says, looking around nervously. “I’m not gonna tell anyone you were in here, but seriously, go, David’s gonna flip his shit if he finds out. You think she might be at her own room?”

Chloe sighs angrily. “Probably not, but I’m not gonna just give up. I’m gone.”

“Hey, Chloe — good luck,” Justin says as she starts running for the exit.

“Don’t have any of that,” Chloe mutters.

She avoids the lampposts as she crosses campus to the girls’ dorms, just in case her stepfather really is out patrolling right now. She realizes quickly that those doors will be locked too, and wonders how she could get in. Nobody she knows is in those dorms anymore —

But she has Kate’s phone, and luckily it has no lock code. She looks through her contact list and recognizes the name Dana, the girl who stayed home tonight, perfect. She calls her up.

“Mmkate?” Dana mumbles.

“Listen, Dana, I’m Kate’s friend. I think someone drugged her and took her away from the party tonight.”

“W—what? Slow down, I—”

“Come and open the doors for me so I can go check on her.”

“Wait, wait, fuck, I can just — I can look myself, it’s no big—”

“Hey!” someone shouts, a man’s voice, David’s voice.

“Good, do that, call this number back, I gotta run,” Chloe says quickly. She turns off the phone, spots David’s flashlight, and rushes into the darkness beyond the quad, into the woods. She’s always fast enough to get away from him, if she’s sober, and he’s sweeping that light all over the quad and seeing no one.

She sneaks through the woods around the campus until she’s back around at the parking lot, then runs to her car and gets in. Once she’s clear of the campus, Kate’s phone rings in her pocket, and she pulls off to the side of the road to answer.

“She—she’s not there,” Dana says. “No one’s answering the door. Who are you?”

“Chloe. We met a couple days ago, and she helped me out when I got in trouble,” Chloe says. She leans her head against the window, trying to keep herself steady. Trying not to let her utter uselessness overwhelm her. “I should’ve been with her. I don’t — I don’t even know where she is…”

“I should’ve been there too, I said I would,” Dana says. “God. L-listen. I’m going to stay up. Keep an eye out for her. If she shows up, I’ll call you back. She’ll need her phone back anyway. Should we call the police?”

“They wouldn’t be able to find her either,” Chloe mutters. “They still haven’t found Rachel.”

“I hope this doesn’t end up like her. Are you on campus?”

“Expelled, not allowed to be there. David almost caught me, that’s why I hung up.”

“All right. Be careful, Chloe. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

Chloe hangs up the phone and closes her eyes. The time on the dashboard reads 2:00AM. The energy is gone from her muscles, and she doesn’t even have the strength to fight off the tears. Another evening comes into her mind, another time she dropped off a girl at a party and never heard back.

She feels the gun tucked into her waistband. It won’t happen again. She’ll make sure of it. Not tonight, not now, but soon. There can only be one person to blame for all of this.

She puts the car into gear, cold rage replacing the breakdown she feels still waiting at the edge of her mind. She lets it carry her home, up the stairs, into her room. She lays Kate’s phone beside her on the nightstand and stares into the ceiling, waiting for dawn.


	4. Job 7:3

Kate can barely breathe.

She tastes earth and wet grass. She wants to get out of it but her muscles are weak at best and her mind can’t even seem to summon the effort to tell them to move. It’s not until someone shakes her by the shoulder that she really starts to wake up.

“Kate? Kate, oh, God, please tell me you’re okay,” someone whispers, rolling her over onto her back. The morning sun strikes at her eyes as soon as she opens them. She groans, squeezing them shut so she won’t have to look at it. The girl lets out a sigh of relief. “At least you’re breathing,” she murmurs. “Kate, honey, can you hear me?”

Kate opens her eyes, just a slit of light entering. Dana. Dana’s hovering over her, face lined with worry.

“Dana?” she asks. “I—where am I?”

“Someone found you out here this morning. I stayed up all night waiting for you, are you all right?”

Kate can’t remember. It’s all a blur. Party. Nathan. Victoria. A call to Chloe. A needle in her neck.

“No,” she whispers, closing her eyes and covering her face. “No, no, no…”

Her body feels disgusting, slimy, like she’s slept in a septic tank. She knows what must have happened, what men _do_ with women like her, and she wants to just lie here and die, choke on her own vomit. She’s ruined now, she’s _garbage,_ she’s—

“Come on, Kate,” Dana urges, looking around. “Let’s get you off the dirt, okay?”

Kate can’t respond, her eyes hurt too much. Dana’s hand comes to rest gently on top of her own, squeezing. “I’ll help you up,” Dana offers.

Kate lets her hold on, lets her hoist her up. Her legs are weak beneath her, but Dana’s grip keeps her steady. She finds herself wrapped in a hug. “I’m so sorry, Kate,” she murmurs, squeezing tight. “Do you think we should go to the police?”

Kate remembers Chloe’s hateful words. Remembers something. Being filmed. Looks down at her rumpled clothes and thinks back to the night and thinks about her parents finding out what’s happened to her and shakes her head, _no, no, no_. All she wants is to be clean.

But she’ll never be clean, not ever again, and she’s sobbing into Dana’s shoulder now because she can’t think of what else to do. She can feel the tension in Dana’s body, muscles taut with fear and sadness and concern. Dana pulls back first, looking into her eyes, wiping smudges off her face.

“Let’s get inside,” she says, voice wobbling like she’s about to break too. She takes Kate’s hand and leads her up the stairs, pushing the door open and leading her through the halls. Girls hanging outside their rooms stare as they walk by, whispering once they’re past. Kate lets go of Dana’s hand and hugs herself instead, staring at her shoes.

“Do you have your keys?” Dana asks. Kate looks down at her chest and sees that her purse is still slung across it. It’s hard to even feel connected to her own body at this point. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to her anymore.

She nods. If they weren’t taken from her, the keys are in there. Dana sits by patiently as she unlocks her door.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Dana asks, hovering outside as Kate walks in.

“Not right now,” Kate answers. No one should look at her, no one should see what a disaster she’s become. She needs to be away. The morning light coming in through the windows is blinding and unwelcome.

“Okay. Listen, Kate — your friend Chloe practically tore campus apart last night trying to find you. She has your phone. I’m gonna let her know you’re all right, okay?” Dana asks.

“She—she did?” Kate asks. “How’d she even know?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how she got your phone, either. But she was worried sick. Is it okay if I call her?”

Kate nods again, a lump welling in her throat. She should’ve just stayed with Chloe last night, she was there for her and yet she just left, for what? To be a little more worldly? To keep her promise to someone who wasn’t there? “I—I guess I’ll need my phone back, anyway,” Kate mumbles. “I’ll see you later.”

“All right, Kate. You can come by my room if you need anything.”

Kate closes the door and turns. She pulls down the blinds to save her eyes. When she turns around, she sees her face in the mirror.

She really was just dropped in the dirt, wasn’t she? She can see particles of it in her hair, mud smeared on her cheek. Dark circles under her eyes. She looks like a junkie from an old PSA. Disgusting wreck of a human being.

She grabs a discarded towel from yesterday’s shower on the floor and throws it over the mirror. She could get lost staring there. She doesn’t want to see herself.

She undoes her bun and feels loose dirt roll down her shoulders. She shudders with the sensation. She undresses, wraps another towel around herself, grabs her shower caddy. She can feel the people watching her as she leaves again. She needs to scrub herself raw.

Thankfully, no one from the party is here that she can see. Maybe they’re not up yet. Too hungover. Maybe Kate’s been blessed with a small miracle.

But she walks right by Victoria in the shower room. She smirks, snickers once she’s past and heading back for her own room. Kate huddles into herself.

She blasts the water on as high as heat as she can stand. Like it’ll cleanse her.

When she gets back to her room she finds herself just sitting dripping in the dark. Her rabbit stares at her from the cage on her dresser. She can’t summon the energy to get her food for her. She’s almost glad she doesn’t have her phone. If she did have it, she’d just be staring at it, finding out what people thought of last night. She doesn’t need that.

She throws on pajamas, eventually. She lays down, eventually. Her eyes close and she can’t think anymore. Numbness leads to nothingness.

A knock on the door eventually makes her rise, rubbing at her eyes. Looking around her darkened room, the covered mirror. It feels safe. No one can come in, no one can see anything, unless she lets them.

The knock again. “Kate?” It’s a harsher voice than Dana’s, one tinged with insomnia and smoke.

“Coming,” Kate mumbles, sliding out of bed and padding over to the door. When she opens it, Chloe’s standing there, looking not all that different from Kate herself this morning. Eyes red, rimmed with darkness, posture withdrawn and uncertain.

“Thought you might want your phone back,” Chloe says, holding out the object in question. The pink of the case, the silly bunny charm hanging off of it, it all looks off against the rest of her dark tones.

“Thanks.” Kate takes it from her, and the two of them stand awkwardly in the doorway for a few moments before Chloe asks, “Can I...come in?”  
Kate nods and steps wordlessly aside. Chloe enters, closing the door behind her, hands twitching nervously at her sides. Her gaze flits to the covered mirror and she winces, rubbing the undersides of her wrists.

Chloe takes a seat on Kate’s couch, kneading her fist into her thigh, looking down at her lap and avoiding the sight of Kate. “Kate, I’m…” She sighs. “Jesus, I can’t even imagine. I wanna ask if you’re all right, but I know that’d be stupid.” She looks up at Kate, blue eyes full of worry. “Is there anything I can do? To...I don’t know, help you out?”

Kate sinks onto her bed. “I don’t know,” she murmurs. “I feel...like...I don’t know, empty, like I can’t really…”

A sob wells up in her and she’s almost surprised by it. “I don’t know what to do,” she says, looking up and catching those eyes and looking back down again, she can’t, Chloe’s _right here,_ and, she can’t stop herself from talking either, “It’s all my fault, I’m so stupid, you warned me and God warned me and I went anyway, I know He must’ve sent you to me for a reason and I just ignored it, I thought I could be someone different here but I—I—” Her throat is full and wet and her eyes sting and she can’t stop, it’s all coming out, she doesn’t know what to do, she _doesn’t know._ It’s like everything she had planned for herself has just been smashed on the ground and there’s no roadmap and no one to help her through this, no one at all, because she deserves what she’s going to get, and—

Someone is here, though. She’s crossed the room and is bending down and now her arms are around Kate as she kneels in front of her. It’s a good thing Chloe’s tall. Kate leans into her, gasping for air, her body shaking.

“It’s not your fault,” Chloe says, her voice low and shaking. She’s scared. She’s so scared for Kate, it’s tensing every muscle in her body. “It’s not, okay? It’s him, it’s all him, I know you tried to get away, you did everything you could.”

“I shouldn’t have been there at all,” Kate sobs. “I should’ve just listened to you, I should’ve just…”

“Look, I’m the asshole, all right?” Chloe interjects. “I’m the one who let you go off on your own when that psycho was there.”

Kate finds herself shocked into silence. She swallows spit, drawing back to look at Chloe.

“You—you’re not responsible for me,” Kate says. “It was my choice.”

“Well, I knew who was in there, didn’t I? I should’ve just—I should’ve told you not to go, at least, not just that stupid fucking offer, not like I could get there in time.” Chloe stands again, pacing the small length of the room. “I—I fucking tried, you know? I beat down Nathan’s door with a fucking fire extinguisher, but it’s always too late, I’m always just trying to fix my own fuck-ups and it never works.”

Despite everything, Kate lets out a little laugh. “You did what?”

Chloe looks back at her, eyes shining. “I didn’t want you to get hurt,” she mumbles. “You were so good to me. You didn’t deserve this.”

A lot of voices in Kate’s head are saying the opposite, but just hearing that from Chloe helps Kate feel calmer, somehow. She can breathe even if she still feels so heavy.

The silence weighs on her too, but Chloe sits down next to her this time. Shares it with her.

She suddenly feels Chloe’s fingers on her neck and gasps. She looks over. Chloe’s face is tight.

“You have a bruise here,” she murmurs, pressing against it. Kate whimpers in pain and Chloe draws back quickly.

“He...I think he used a needle.” Kate wants to cover the mark, like it’ll take away her shame. “It felt like a needle. From what I can remember.”

“Shit, Kate, do you think…” Chloe swallows. “You think that’s enough evidence? We could go to the police. Like, if you want.”

“It’s probably all out of my system by now. No one would believe me. And…” Kate draws in a sharp breath. “I don’t want my parents to know. I don’t want _anyone_ to know.”

“Okay. If that’s...what you want.” Chloe runs a hand down her face, and Kate sees black on her palm.

“What happened to your hand?” she asks.

“Some asshole wrote bullshit on your slate,” Chloe explains. “Wasn’t gonna let it just stay there.”

“Oh.” Kate thinks of being around people again and just wants to shrink into herself. The whispers in the halls as she walked by. The stares.

“These kids are fucking assholes, man,” Chloe mutters. “Always were.” She looks out the window, well, more at the blinds. “You eat today?”

Kate shakes her head. The idea of eating makes her nauseous, but she knows she should.

“You wanna get off this fucking campus?”

Kate bites her lip. She’d have to walk past everyone. But she doesn’t want to be here anymore. This place feels damned.

She nods. “Just let me get changed,” she says softly.

“Right. I’ll stay out by the door.” Chloe stands up and leaves.

As soon as the door closes behind her, Kate hears a _thud_ against her wall. Eyes wide in panic, she throws it open to see Chloe pinning Victoria there, eyes full of rage. Her slate has some half-completed message on it, smeared by Chloe’s angry hand.

“You prissy little _bitch_ ,” she sneers, “You think you’re so fucking high and mighty but I could tell _everyone_ a couple of choice secrets about your anorexic ass—”

Victoria tries to shove her off but she’s pinned again, and then Chloe shoves a knee into her stomach. “I see you fucking with Kate again and you’ll be in the _fucking_ ground, got it?” Chloe hisses. Victoria turns her head to see Kate.

“Who the hell is she to you?” she replies. “What, did you two losers start dating or something when I wasn’t looking?”

Chloe’s hand moves to Victoria’s throat. “You shut your fucking—”

“Chloe!” Kate exclaims. “Let her go!”

Chloe steps back, scowling. “Get the fuck out of here.” She pushes Victoria down the hall. “Go. _Go._ ”

Victoria walks away as fast as she can while still maintaining some dignity, but Kate can see the fear in her body. Chloe squeezes her eyes closed. “Sorry,” she mumbles, “I just— she was out here fucking with your slate again—”

“Just...try not to hurt anyone, okay?” Kate asks gently, though she’ll admit it wasn’t entirely dissatisfying to see someone so unafraid of Blackwell’s queen bee.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry.” Chloe breathes out a sigh. “Go ahead and change, I promise I won’t bite any more bitches.”

Kate retreats back into her room. She flips on the light. Feeds Alice. Searches her room for clothes that aren’t stiff, aren’t soiled. She wraps herself in a heavy coat, grateful for the way it obscures her body. She tucks her hair into a sloppy ponytail, then heads back out.

Chloe leads the way to her truck in silence. Thankfully, the halls aren’t so full today, and anyone who looks at them has to contend with Chloe’s death-glare. As they step outside into dusk, Kate takes a long, deep breath.

Crossing campus feels easier with Chloe. She leads the way and doesn’t look back, and Kate’s compelled to follow. Once they’re in the car, it’s a quick trip through a drive-through before Chloe speaks up again.

“I’m gonna take you somewhere,” she says. “It...it always helps me think.”

Kate nods, picking at the small sandwich she’d decided she might have enough stomach to eat. It’s easier to be quiet, to think of nothing but the road. She watches as Chloe drives them out, away from the town, towards the forest. She parks at a trailhead. Kate’s shoes aren’t really meant for these rough paths, but Chloe holds her hand when she starts to stumble, and it keeps her tethered.

The peak turns out to be the lighthouse Kate’s seen in photos and from far away before. The area is clear up here, and Chloe leads her to a bench where she can sit and rest after the climb and look out over the Bay.

“I used to come here all the time when I was a kid. With my best friend. Now it’s just kinda where I go when nothing else will work,” Chloe explains.

“It’s a good view,” Kate says. It really is. She should come up here for Photography sometime.

There’s silence for a while as they relax, catch their breath, listen to the ocean waves far below. “Mind if I smoke?” Chloe asks after a time.

“It’s all right,” Kate replies, though she’s been taught to stray far from such vices. It seems cruel to deny Chloe hers, though. It’s not her place when Chloe’s tried so hard to be there for her when they’re near perfect strangers.

As Chloe lights up, Kate starts to feel the hole inside her again. She shuffles closer to Chloe on the bench. It feels hard to keep her head up, so she rests it on Chloe’s shoulder and closes her eyes. She was wrong before, she wasn’t empty. Now she is. Now there’s nothing left to cry out.

When Chloe’s finished her cigarette, the sun is gone. She leads them back down to the truck with her phone’s flashlight. It feels, somehow, like it’s safer in the dark, where no one can see them but for the headlights shining into the black.

When Chloe stops in the Blackwell lot, she idles for a moment as Kate gets out. “You seriously need anything, Kate. Anything. Let me know. And believe me, I’m gonna make sure Nathan gets his for this.”

“Chloe, you—”

“I do have to,” Chloe says harshly. “But you don’t have to be involved. Just, you know. If you need me.”

Kate considers asking her to stay. To come back with her and keep her feeling this way, not okay but not collapsing, steady in her hollowness. But she can’t. She still has to keep going. The world keeps spinning. Homework’s due Monday.

“Thanks, Chloe. For trying to save me, and for...for everything today,” Kate manages.

“Anytime, Kate. I’m just…” She sighs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t really help.”

Kate looks away. She slides out of the car and leaves, feeling the headlights sweep across her back and then go the other way.

When she makes it back into the dorms, there’s something written on her slate.

A URL.

 

* * *

 

Chloe spends Sunday in a cold rage.

Seeing that site some shithead set up. A video of Kate, drugged, cutting off right as Nathan approaches her. Pictures of her lying in the dirt outside the dorms.

Texting Kate and getting nothing back. Scared to call her. Scared to go back to campus and take her away again, the way she wants to.

And anger. So much hate. She thinks of Nathan’s filthy fucking hands on Kate and her blood pressure spikes. She knows calling the cops won’t do anything. But she can do something. Nathan’s number is in her phone. How, she doesn’t remember. Probably took it from him the night he tried to drag her back to his dorm.

But it’s a tool, like David’s poorly-secured gun collection. Rachel’s gone. Chloe’s going nowhere. If she can do one good thing, it’s rid the world of this shithead.

So she texts him.

_I know what you did fucker_

_Meet me in the girls bathroom after class tomorrow or it gets out_

She gets no response. But she doesn’t need one.

He’ll be there.

She heads to Blackwell the next day with a pistol tucked beneath her jacket and steel in her spine. She blends into the crowd as she enters the main building, pushing through them towards the bathroom. She finds him standing in front of a sink, staring down into its depths, muttering some nonsense to himself.

She locks the door behind her. “Hey, dipshit,” she says, walking towards the line of stalls. “Did you even check to see if anyone else is in here?”

“Fuck you.”

“Real nice, Prescott.” Chloe slams a door open. Empty. “So I know what you did to Kate. I know you stuck a fucking needle in her neck and dragged her off.” Slam. Empty.

“Yeah, and? What the fuck do you even _want?_ ” His voice is shaking. “What the hell can you do, huh? N-no one’s gonna believe your dropout ass.”

The gun in Chloe’s pants rubs against her skin. She wants to fucking kill him. Right now. But she should at least try to make sure she’s not caught.

Slam.

Not empty.

Kate stares back at her, red eyes wide, sitting on the lid of the toilet with tear-streaks still on her cheeks.

“What the fuck are you _doing_ here?” Nathan asks, his voice rising, and then he sees Kate too and Chloe whirls around, shielding her body with her own. Nathan’s eyes are wide and fearful.

“Kate, come on, get out of here,” Chloe urges, glancing behind her. Kate starts to get up, and then Nathan pulls something from the inside of his jacket.

“You fucking bitches think you can control me, just like him, just like _everyone,_ ” he hisses under his breath. “You just want my fucking money, don’t you? Everyone wants it, that’s all I am to anyone—”

“Kate, seriously, you gotta go,” Chloe warns, continuing to shield her as she starts to flee, and Chloe’s staring at his gun and she knows if she goes for her own it’ll go off, and his gaze is shifting as Kate runs behind her.

She takes the leap and charges him.

He falls against the sink with her hands on his wrists, Nathan’s gun going off with a loud _crack_ as they make contact and leaving Chloe’s ears ringing. But it’s pointed at the ceiling, it didn’t hit anyone, and Chloe squeezes his wrist hard enough to force him to drop the thing. She brings a knee into his groin as Kate desperately unlocks the door and suddenly someone’s barging through, a tall man, _David._

It might be the first time Chloe’s ever been glad to see the prick.

“What the hell is happening in here?” he demands, pulling Chloe off of Nathan. Nathan doesn’t falter like Chloe would expect, though, he _launches_ himself at David, landing a good solid hit to his jaw before David suddenly has him in a headlock, wrestling him to the ground. He looks over at Chloe as he presses a knee into Nathan’s back, eye traveling for the gun.

“Jesus Christ, Chloe!” he hisses. “What are you even doing on campus?”

“Does it matter? The guy had a _gun_ on me.” Chloe folds her arms.

Nathan squirms beneath David and he forces him back down to the ground with a palm on the back of his head. Chloe can see tears forming in his eyes.

“Call 911 and shut your mouth,” David growls. “This kid needs handcuffs. Knew he was up to something.”

“Sure, David,” Chloe says, rolling her eyes and taking out her phone. It somehow calms her to have him here to argue with, to have his weight on top of Nathan. He might be a psycho, but he’s just a rich kid, and David’s a big guy.

And maybe, just maybe, this call will end all of this.


	5. Exodus 33:14

They’ve been in there a while.

Kate sits nervously swinging her feet on a bench in the police station, waiting for Chloe or David or _someone_ to come out. It all seems like it happened so fast. People taking photos of her neck, call history from her phone, every bit of evidence suddenly important. She had to show them where to find the video. She tried to look away as they considered it, wrote about it.

Her part is done. They told her that. She can go home and they’ll call her when they know the next step. But Chloe and David are still talking in that room and they have the means to get her home, and she doesn’t want to go without knowing.

She remembers Chloe shielding her with her body as soon as they saw each other. Remembers her running at an armed man to keep her safe. The passion and fury in her voice as she defended Kate from everyone who’d been attacking her.

Without her, Sunday and the classes on Monday, she’d felt so untethered. The mocking jeers, the messages written on her slate, the trash thrown at her in the halls and in class. The posts all over her social media. It was hard to believe she could exist in the world at all without pain and disbelief and disgust following her like a cloud. And now...now things have to change. They won’t stay this way forever. They can’t.

Chloe emerges from the door beside her and sits down next to Kate, sighing. “Well this is fucking crazy,” she says.

“What is?” Kate asks.

“Well, Nathan had some kind of...break, when he was being questioned. Started babbling all this shit about Jefferson making him do it all and a dark room and…” She swallows. “And Rachel. They’re going to go and investigate now. He even said who gave him the drugs. Cops are going all over the Bay right now trying to figure out what’s up.” Chloe hugs herself. “He said he killed her. By accident. Overdose.”

Kate feels a chill in her stomach. She reaches out for Chloe, touching her shoulder. “I—Chloe, I’m so sorry…”

“We—we don’t know if it’s, if it’s true yet.” Chloe swallows. “He’s fucking crazy, Kate. He talks about all these meds he’s supposed to be taking but he’s not, maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe she’s okay.”

Kate knows what denial sounds like. But she swallows any protest she might have at Chloe’s reasoning. Chloe doesn’t need that right now, doesn’t need a dose of “tough love” or whatever someone crueler might call it. If any of it’s true, they’ll know in due time.

“At least David took the gun off me,” she says quietly. She lets out a small laugh. “It was his anyway. He might not like me but he didn’t want me going to jail.”

Kate freezes. “You were...you were planning to—”

Chloe shrugs. “I figured it didn’t matter what happened to me, so long as I did something right for once in my miserable fuckin’ life. He’s a fucking monster.”

“Chloe…” Kate shudders at the thought of her all locked away in prison. “I would’ve missed you.”

“Pfft. Nah, you’d be fine without me. You didn’t want to answer my texts yesterday, so I figured…”

“I’m sorry, Chloe.” Kate remembers her phone going off until she shut it down for the day. She hadn’t felt deserving of Chloe’s help or sympathy. She hadn’t earned the right to pick up that phone and read Chloe’s words telling her she was worth anything. “I was...I was in a really bad place that day.”

Chloe chuckles. “Think we’ve both been there for a while.”

“Do you think...do you think things will get better? If he goes away?”

“Shit, Kate. I dunno. Maybe they’ll at least stop getting worse.”

Silence falls over the two of them. Kate mulls over Chloe’s words, and realizes that if any of them are true, she doesn’t want to be heading back to Blackwell tonight. Not at all.

“Chloe...do you think it’d be okay if I stayed over at your house tonight?” Kate asks. “I don’t...want to be alone for all of this. And I don’t want to go back somewhere where, where nobody knows what it’s like, either.”

“Y’know, after today, I bet David’ll actually go for that,” Chloe says. “And sure, Kate. Of course. Think your bunny will be okay?”

“I’ll feed her in the morning, she should be okay for now.” Kate sighs in relief, letting herself relax. “Thank you. It’s been so rough the past couple of days, I haven’t felt safe in so long…”

“Well, David’s paranoid ass will make sure no one gets within a mile of my house without him knowing it,” Chloe says with a laugh. “We have a guest room and everything, too. I’m sure Mom’ll be happy to cook you a meal and swarm all over you because you seem so _nice._ ”

Kate smiles at her. She leans against Chloe’s shoulder, grateful for the stability she offers. It feels like she’s finally starting to wake up from a long, horrible nightmare.

Chloe stiffens at first, then relaxes into the bench. Kate feels she’s about to fall asleep until David walks out of the room too, pinching his brow.

“Well, we’ll know what’s going on in the next hour, but they said we can go home for now while things get put together. They’ll call us when there’s an update,” he tells them. “Kate, you, uh, want me to give you a ride home?”

“She actually was wondering if she could stay with us for a while,” Chloe says before Kate has to say anything to this large, imposing man.

David looks down at her. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure Joyce would love to have you, you’re just her type.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry about all this, girl. That you had to see it, I mean. I thought I had a clue what was going on in that damned school, but if Prescott’s telling the truth…” He lets out a sigh. “We’ll all need some company tonight.”

“Thank you, sir,” Kate mumbles as she stands to follow him through the station.

“Well, it’s my job. Supposedly.”

They make their way out to David’s car, Kate getting in the back behind Chloe. She rests her head against the window as they start the drive home.

“Chloe, you could’ve told me what he did to you,” David begins. “I could’ve helped.”

“Or you could’ve told me it was all my fault anyway,” Chloe snaps back. “That I shouldn’t have been out drinking or trying to get money in the first place, and who knows if I’m lying, I’m just a fucking junkie and he’s the richest kid in town with _suuch_ a good GPA—”

“Jesus, Chloe, I get it.” David’s words are harsh, but he doesn’t continue after his interruption. Kate can see him blinking rapidly in the rearview mirror. He tries after a moment of quiet, struggling out, “You just — you could’ve gotten yourself killed in there.”

“ _Gotten myself killed_ ,” Chloe repeats. “Yeah, wonder why I didn’t want to come to you. Bet it woulda been easier if Prescott could aim.”

There’s dead silence in the car. Kate stares at her shoes. She can hear the anger in Chloe’s breathing. She shouldn’t get in the way of this, whatever this is, whatever grudges Chloe holds.

“Do you really think I want you dead, Chloe?” David’s voice cracks.

“Never really seemed like you wanted me alive.”

David clears his throat. “I’m sorry.”

Chloe stares out the window. “Believe it when I see it.”

They stop in the driveway of a house with only half a new coat of paint. David climbs out first, Chloe and Kate following. Chloe leans against the car while David starts heading inside.

“I’ll be in in a minute,” she tells him when he looks back. Kate lingers back with her as David nods and heads inside.

Chloe brings her pack of cigarettes out from inside her jacket and lights up. Kate stands upwind, leaning against the car with her. She doesn’t want to enter unfamiliar territory without Chloe by her side, and the mood was tense enough in the car, frankly.

“Sorry about all that,” Chloe says with a sigh. “Me and David aren’t exactly best buds.”

“I, um, I gathered that,” Kate says.

Chloe snorts. “Guess that was me stating the obvious, yeah.”

“You were pretty mean to him.”

“Yeah. I was. But it’s like, now that shit’s actually gotten serious, he gets to play the concerned father even though he’s the one who fucking…” She huffs. “He hits me, you know. Always acts like it’s the first time he ever did it, and he’s sorry, but I need discipline or some shit. And now he wants to judge me for not trusting him. So fuck him.”

“It’s scary for all of us, Chloe. Maybe he thinks he should’ve treated you better now,” Kate attempts. “We should at least...try to keep the peace.”

“You are such a little Ghandi.” Chloe looks over at her with an affectionate smile. “Like I said, I’ll believe it when I see it, y’know? If something changes after tonight, great. But…” She takes a long drag. “I heard him and my mom talking a while back. It sounded like they were just...giving up on me, they admitted they weren’t going to do anything for me because I ‘wouldn’t help myself.’. After Rachel disappeared. They didn’t know what to do to help and so they just did _nothing._ I’ve been on my own for six months and it’s like they didn’t even give a damn.” Kate sees the tears forming in Chloe’s eyes, but says nothing, just draws closer. She wants to take Chloe’s hand, anchor her somehow, prepare her for the news that Kate is sure is coming by the end of the night.

But she doesn’t. That’d be presumptuous, and Chloe’s hands are occupied with her smoking. All Kate has are fragments of words floating in her head, hoping she can somehow make this easier on Chloe.

“I’m sure they still love you, Chloe. They’re your parents.”

“One of ‘em is, anyway,” Chloe says with a laugh. “David’s my stepdad. Real dad was way cooler.”

“Oh. Y-yeah, I remember you saying something about that.” Kate rubs her wrist, feeling awkward.

“No worries, man, you barely know me.” Chloe tosses down the cigarette and rubs it into the pavement. “Anyway. Let’s go in and pretend we’re not just waiting for the phone call. We’ll see what mom’s cooking up.”

Kate follows her inside, wanting almost to hide behind Chloe’s larger frame. Joyce and David’s voices can be heard faintly until Chloe eases open the door, and then they stop. Joyce turns to see them as they enter, while David shuffles off to the living room, beer in hand.

“Hey, girls. Nice to see you again, Kate. Wish it was during better times.” Joyce leans against the counter, looking thoughtful. “You two ladies want to help me in the kitchen for a bit? Take our minds off things?”

Kate’s mother always insisted a girl should know how to cook. “Sure,” she says, “What are we making?”

“Let’s get some chili and cornbread going. It’s a cold night, we should warm ourselves up.”

Chloe hangs around the kitchen, occasionally passing Joyce or Kate something while they set to work. Chloe clearly knows the recipe by heart; she’ll tell Kate the right amount of spices before her mother can answer Kate’s question, shows her the best way to chop up the vegetables they need, points Kate to the storage place of every utensil and dish she needs. When she’s not watching Kate, she’s leaning back with her eyes closed, listening to the TV playing football in the background.

Once the cast-iron skillet’s in the oven and the chili is warming up on the stove, Chloe joins Kate in doing dishes while Joyce goes to sit with her husband. It’s quiet, simple work, but the tension hasn’t yet disappeared from the air.

Food’s ready in short enough order, and as they all sit down to eat, Joyce asks typical questions of Kate, where she’s from, how she got into Blackwell, where her interest lies. Kate answers with little enough enthusiasm, watching Chloe as she methodically spoons food into her mouth, staring down at the table.

Just as Kate’s finished her food, the landline rings. David excuses himself to go answer it, and the whole table goes still to listen in. He doesn’t say anything illuminating in response to the inaudible police officer on the other end, so they all have to wait until he sets down the phone.

“Well?” Chloe says. Kate can see her eyes wide, her body tense.

“They just told me a lot of things, okay?” David says, rubbing his brow. “All right. They—they sent someone to Prescott’s ‘dark room’ and found Jefferson there, trying to burn a bunch of shit. Photographs. Some of Kate, some of...of other girls. He shot at them when they came in and they shot back. He’s dead.”

Kate gasps, chills running down her spine.

“They picked up the guy who sold the drugs. And…” He looks at Chloe, pity in his eyes, and Chloe’s nails scrape against the table. “They found a body in the junkyard. They think it’s Rachel. Her parents are going to be coming down soon to...to identify her.”

Chloe abruptly shoots back from the table and stands up, starting for the stairs. Kate follows quickly after her, abandoning Joyce and David without much of a second thought, because Chloe can’t be alone for this.

Chloe leaves her door open when she enters her room, and Kate closes it behind her. She’s taken aback when she looks around. Walls covered in posters and angry writing, a fair number of half-naked women that she tries to avert her eyes from, an American flag hung over the window behind the bed, clothes scattered across the floor. It’s a total mess, just the kind of place Chloe would live, and Kate suddenly feels a bit like an intruder in this private space.

But Chloe doesn’t tell her to leave. Chloe sits down on the edge of her bed, slowly taking her beanie off and letting it drop to the floor. Her panting breath echoes in the silence.

Kate nervously steps closer to her. She can hear Chloe swallowing, trying to control herself. She kneels on the bed beside her, reaching out and touching her shoulder.

Chloe turns her whole body and buries her face in Kate’s chest, clinging tight to her back and digging her nails in. Kate wraps her arms around her in return because it feels right, this is what she should do, hold Chloe through the storm.

Chloe sobs quietly, back shaking. She tries, several times, to say something, but it all comes out wet and muddled and Kate can’t make heads or tails of it. She rests her head on Chloe’s shoulder and cries for herself, too, cries for what she and Chloe and Rachel were all put through, but she doesn’t make a sound because Chloe’s making them all for her.

In a way, it feels like she’s letting something go at long last. Neither of them pull away until both of them are spent.

Chloe squeezes Kate tight. “Thank you,” she mumbles, still with her head in Kate’s chest. “I’m sorry, I just — I loved her so much, I couldn’t believe, I always had this, this fucking sick feeling but I pretended and…” She sniffs. “I’m sorry,” she repeats, “I should’ve, shoulda fucking known, I should be _stronger_ than this.”

“No one could have expected this,” Kate says. “God, my Photography teacher is dead. A week ago I had no idea about any of this...”

Chloe finally pulls back, blinking rapidly. “Kate…” She takes in a deep breath. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know everything was this fucked-up.”

Kate feels something swell in her chest and she rushes forward into Chloe again, holding the lump in her throat at bay the best she can. “I feel so _gross,_ ” she mutters, squeezing tight. Chloe’s arms around her help ease that sensation she’s had since Saturday morning, though. She doesn’t feel filthy when Chloe holds her.

“It’s not your fault. None of it. You just got caught up in something that should’ve just...just killed me and left you alone.”

“I don’t want you to die,” Kate insists.

“I...I know.” Chloe’s voice cracks and she hugs Kate tighter. “Thank you. For...for everything.”

A knock comes at the door. “Girls?” Joyce says cautiously.

They separate, awkwardly shuffling apart as Chloe answers with a “Yeah?”

Joyce cracks open the door to see them, then a little wider once she sees it’s almost fine. “David wanted to let you know that you’ll both be getting calls when the trial date is set. If you want to be witnesses.”

“Okay, mom,” Chloe says, wiping at her eyes.

“I’ll watch out for...for Rachel’s funeral for you, too. If you want.”

“Yeah.” Chloe’s voice strains. “I...I want to go.”

“Okay, sweetie. I’ll leave you two alone. Kate, look after her, okay?”

Kate nods, not sure if her voice will come out right if she talks. Once the door is closed, Chloe lets out a long sigh and falls back on the bed.

“Sorry I like, totally ruined your top with my snot and shit.” She throws an arm in the direction of her closet. “Take whatever pajamas you want.”

Kate looks down, and, well, yeah, she’s a bit of a mess. But they both are, and it doesn’t feel too bad to be one when you have company.

She checks to make sure Chloe isn’t looking before unbuttoning her blouse and letting it drop to the floor. Chloe’s closet is an array of old band t-shirts and ratty sweatpants. It’s amazing how comfortable they are, even if they’re a few inches too long for Kate’s body.

“Hey, Kate?” Chloe says softly as she turns around. “You, um...can you stay?”

“Where would I go?” Kate asks.

“No, I just mean…” Chloe sighs. “Like, just...in here with me. I don’t...I know if I’m alone and not doing anything…” Chloe sits up and turns her arm over in her hands, running fingers down her wrist. In the low light of the night, Kate can see dark marks etched down her skin. “I just want to...to fill up my brain with something.”

Kate sits down next to her, a sick feeling in her stomach, like she knows where those marks came from. “I’ll stay,” she promises, laying a hand over Chloe’s wrist, stopping her insistent tracing.

“Okay. Um, wanna...watch a movie or something? Or a bunch? ‘Till I pass out? I know if I actually try to sleep it won’t work,” Chloe says, attempting some sort of smile.

It might be nice to lose herself in something like that. Kate wonders if Chloe’s used this method before, based on the _I CAN’T SLEEP_ scrawled above her bed. “What did you have in mind?” Kate asks.

Chloe chuckles. “I bet your mom never let you watch anything cool. Throw an idea at me, I bet we have it somewhere.”

Kate bites her lip. “...I always wanted to see Harry Potter,” she admits, blushing a little at how silly it is. “My mom said I shouldn’t, but all the other kids were getting into it…”

Chloe laughs, a pleasant thing to hear after this whole awful day. “Of course, no ‘evil witchcraft’ for Kate! We got...half the series, I think. Once Dad died we kinda stopped collecting movies around here.” She coughs, looking away from Kate. “Anyway, I’ll go get ‘em. Move the TV closer to the bed too, I wanna just lay down and veg out.”

Kate nods and follows her instructions, finding the old CRT TV heavier than expected but possible to move if she just sort of scoots it across the floor on its stand. Chloe comes back up with the movies and hooks up an old PS2 to the machine, settling down beside Kate on the bed with her controller in hand.

Kate can’t be fully enchanted by the movie. She knows she missed her chance years and years ago when this was all new and shiny, talk of the classroom. But it still feels nice to sit beside Chloe and let this innocent little movie wash over them. They don’t talk much, but Chloe leans into Kate’s side and seems more at peace with something to distract her.

Chloe falls asleep just before the credits start to roll on the second film, and Kate can’t find it in herself to push Chloe off of her, nor turn the TV off. She closes her eyes, listening to the sound of Chloe’s breathing.

She’s too tired to think more after that, and slips into sleep without even trying. She has no dreams.

 

* * *

 

 

When Chloe wakes up, she finds that Kate really is still here.

In fact, she’s got her head on Kate’s shoulder, and isn’t much inclined to move. She’s warm, her borrowed clothes soft against Chloe’s skin. She tries to just breathe and enjoy this moment of calm after the hellish uncertainty and terror of the past six months.

So she closes her eyes, draws her legs up, and pretends to be asleep. She thinks of Rachel, buried in the junkyard. Jefferson and his photographs. Nathan and his needles. The image of Rachel, drugged to death, posed by some awful man’s filthy hands and captured and then dumped, right in _their_ space, a violation of what used to be such holy ground, and God, she’s gone, she’s really gone and Chloe just wasted the past six months of her life praying she’d come back—

God, fuck, she’s crying again. She pushes herself off the bed and heads to the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror as she wipes her face with a tissue.

What does she do now?

For years it was ‘leave Arcadia Bay with Rachel.’ Before that, before Rachel came into her life, she’d been on the edge. And she crawled back there so many times, Rachel’s terrified words on the phone as she held David’s gun to her head, the scars on her wrists, the sleepless nights. Her only hope got fucking killed and dumped in the very place that was her sanctuary, and now what can she do? Unemployed high school dropout, addicted to cigarettes and pot and booze, a fucking _waste_ of a human being. David’s cutting words from years gone by ache in her brain, things he shouted during arguments meant to bring her down. Her own mother sitting silently by and letting it all happen, because she knew David was telling the truth too.

Chloe swallows. She wants to stop this. These thoughts. This spiral. But she can’t help it. Even David’s attempt at concern last night just felt so fucking hollow in the light of years of history. And she has no plan, nowhere to go, nothing to do. She’s stuck here. This town feels like a hospice.

And then she remembers Kate, sleeping in her bed. Who still needs someone, the way Chloe once needed Rachel. Someone who knows what it’s all like.

Maybe that’s worth staying alive for.

She blows her nose, swallows the sobs still waiting inside her. She’ll figure out how to be the best friend to Kate she can be. Somehow. It’s hard to think of a reason to live for herself, so that’ll have to do.

She takes a few deep breaths before she leaves the bathroom. She leaves David’s razors untouched.

When she comes back into her room, she immediately feels a little less lost. Kate’s still there, turned over on her side now, colored dawn light from the flag over the window washing over her body. Chloe wonders if she slept well, if her plan had worked for Kate as well as for herself. Exhausting herself to the point of being unable to dream is a skill she’s learned over the years.

She lays cautiously back down beside Kate, making sure to not wake her. Chloe shouldn’t stare, even though she’s so pretty. Shouldn’t want to bring an arm around her and hold her close.

Fuck.

Chloe turns over, deciding tactically not to look at her. You just miss Rachel. Kate wouldn’t want you, she’s a Christian, she’s probably super into it and you’re just a loser. She won’t be a replacement for what you’ve lost. Leave her alone. Be her friend.

Not like Rachel really loved you back, anyway.

She takes in a deep breath, trying to beat back that thought, and hears Kate stir behind her. Thank God, she’ll have a couple minutes out of her own head.

Kate lets out a short, high-pitched yawn as she awakens. “Mmmchloe?” she asks sleepily.

Chloe composes herself and turns over to see Kate’s tired green eyes looking back at her. “Yeah?”

Kate shrugs, yawning again. “Just wondering if you were awake.”

“Mmm.” Chloe sits up against the headboard, rubbing her temples. “Yeah. Woke up a little bit ago.”

“Did you sleep well?”

Chloe makes a noncommittal noise. She knows she should’ve gotten more. But it’s hardly important right now, she has the whole day to waste.

Kate sits up, rubbing her eyes. “Well...thanks for having me over, Chloe. I really appreciate it.”

“Hey, anytime. Literally, I mean it. If you ever wanna get outta Blackwell, just text me. I’ll come rescue you.”

Kate smiles. “I think I’d like that. I’ll need to get away, once in a while.” She frowns, standing up. “I wonder how class is even going to be handled today. With...with Mr. Jefferson…” She gulps. “With him dead, I mean.”

“Check your email?” Chloe suggests.

Kate nods, searching the floor for her phone. Once she locates it, she spends a minute staring at the screen, biting her lip.

“Classes are canceled today,” she says softly. “Apparently there’s going to be an investigation of the school. How he...how he got away with it.”

“Shit, Kate.” Chloe sighs. “Dorms still open?”

Kate nods. “School should be back in session by next week or earlier, it says. The principal says we should all take some time to deal with the grief.”

“For once someone at Blackwell has a good idea,” Chloe says. “Kids are gonna eat each other with nothing to do, though. One time there was a snow day and the VC kids who were trapped inside almost burned down the dorms.”

Kate giggles. “You can’t be serious.”

“No, really! Rachel told me the whole thing. She set the fire.” It hurts, to say her name. But it almost feels less like she’s gone if she can keep saying it. If it doesn’t become a forbidden word.

Kate looks at her with concern, but the moment passes by quickly. “I should get back to feed Alice,” she notes, looking around for her own clothes.

“I do need to meet that bunny properly,” Chloe muses. “You mind if I hang out at your place for a little bit?

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Kate purses her lips, then smiles. “Besides, if I walk in with you by my side, nobody’s gonna bother me.”

“Damn right.” Chloe smirks, feeling proud to be Kate’s big scary punk shield. Kate’s got all her clothes in a bundle now, and she excuses herself to the bathroom to change.

Chloe lies on her back on the bed, staring into the ceiling. So she doesn’t have a clue what to do now. Still. But she can spend the day with Kate. Hold her steady. Growl at creeps and bullies who dare get close.

It’s nice to finally feel useful.


	6. Job 17:7

Kate does feel safer with Chloe by her side.

They walk through the halls, kids lining them and staring as they go by, until Chloe’s glare sets them looking in any other direction. Silence follows them. Kate’s grateful to not hear whispers or muttered insults. They’re scared. Surely the rumors have spread by now about what really happened. Being an object of pity is better than being a target of hate, so Kate will take it.

Still, she nearly collapses in relief when she opens her door and Chloe closes it behind them. It’s going to take a while to be truly comfortable in public again. But she’s here now, she’s safe, with Chloe and Alice and no one else to barge in and bother her. Not even a lot of homework to get done.

She looks around her room briefly, feeding Alice before sitting down at her desk while Chloe stretches herself across the couch, lazily surfing the web on her phone. It’s comforting to have her here, even if they’ve barely said a word to each other since they left her house and got breakfast. It feels good to know she’s here, breathing behind her as she starts on her reading for English, safe and even calm despite the horror of the last few days. She shudders to think of Chloe alone, after the implications of last night, the tears streaming down Chloe’s face as she grieved for Rachel.

Chloe speaks up after a time, once they’ve settled in. “Can I pet her?” she asks, sitting up and gesturing vaguely in Alice’s direction.

Kate smiles, putting down her book for a minute. “Sure,” she says, getting up and unlocking the cage, carefully picking her up. “She’s really calm, just hold still.” She gently transfers Alice to Chloe’s lap. Chloe looks down on her, then gently puts a hand on her.

“She’s shaking.” she murmurs.

“Just show her she’s safe,” Kate instructs, sitting down beside her on the couch. “She’ll get used to you in a minute.”

Chloe nods and carefully strokes Alice’s fur. “How long have you had her?” Chloe asks.

“About a year now. I always wanted a rabbit, and once I got my scholarship confirmed last year my dad said I could have one.” Kate smiles at the memory. “He went with me to pick her out.”

“You totally named her, didn’t you?” Chloe asks with a smirk. “Alice as in Wonderland, right?”

Kate blushes. “I know it’s kind of silly—”

“Nah, it’s cute. She’s not all white, though.”

“She’s cuter with the black spots,” Kate says defiantly.

“She is calming down,” Chloe says, leaning down and looking at Alice’s face. “I’m totally stealing her the first chance I get, by the way.”

Kate giggles. “She’d run back to me like it’s Homeward Bound, you just watch.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Who’d want to stay with me anyway, right?” Chloe rubs under the rabbit’s chin and keeps her eyes away from Kate.

Kate’s about to say something before Chloe adds, “I mean, I bet David would see her and have some freakout about her being a druggie bunny and _clearly_ a sign that I’m involved in something dark, and she’d have a grand escape…”

Kate can’t quite laugh. Everything Chloe’s said about her stepfather doesn’t quite match up with the man she’s been exposed to, and yet there’s those little things he said. She wonders how much what he’s said has drilled into Chloe’s brain.

Chloe clears her throat. “Sorry. Rambling about my fucked-up life again, I’ll stop.”

“No, it’s okay,” Kate says quickly. “I know...I know you need to get out of there sometimes, like how I need to get out of here.”

Chloe huffs. “Yeah, me and Rachel were like that too. We had to find our own place so we wouldn’t go crazy.”

“Oh?” Kate swallows. Chloe’s brought up Rachel a few times now. Kate wonders if she should pry, if she should encourage her to talk about it or if that’ll just make it all worse. She’s never lost someone like that. “...where?” she asks after a silence.

“The...the junkyard.” Kate freezes. Chloe sighs heavily. “Sorry, I...I shouldn’t have brought it up,” she adds. “Anyway. You, um, you doing okay today? You’ve been pretty quiet.”

Kate looks down. “I haven’t told my parents anything yet. Didn’t even call them. I, I know I should have. My mom…” She takes in a deep breath, remembering the e-mail she got. “M-my mom wanted to talk to me and the principal about the video on Monday. She said it was a mistake to send me here, that she needs to talk about my behavior and that I should pray for forgiveness.” She gulps. “I think she, she thinks I meant to do it, all of it, that it’s my fault—”

“Bitch,” Chloe mutters.

“Chloe!” Kate objects.

“Sorry, but, I just…” Chloe stops petting Alice for a minute, holding herself stiff. “She could’ve just asked you if you were okay and instead she’s accusing right away? Some mom.”

“T-that’s not fair, Chloe.” Kate shakes. She shouldn’t say anything against her mother. She does look bad on that video, how would she know? It’s her mom’s job to look out for her and her purity, it’s not a bad thing.

“No one ever asks you what your side is. They just want to judge you,” Chloe says, looking away. “I’m just...sorry. Don’t think anyone should talk to you like that.”

“When I tell her, I...I think she’ll understand.”

“You think or you hope?” Chloe asks, eyes meeting Kate’s briefly.

Kate feels hot. “Just because you have bad parents doesn’t mean everyone does!” she snaps, standing up and looking away. She doesn’t want to admit Chloe’s right, that she remembers times like this before, when she was always to blame whenever something went wrong so she stopped telling her mother things entirely. It’s not right, it’s not how you should see your own parents.

Chloe’s staring at Alice now, quiet. “I—I know. Sorry. I’ll shut up.” She gets up and puts Alice back in her cage. “Look, I can — I can just go, if you want, I know I’m not helping or anything.”

Kate turns around and sees her staring at her boots. “No — I mean…” Kate sighs. “I know you’re just trying to look out for me. I didn’t mean to…”

“I’m just fuckin’ cynical, it’s fine,” Chloe says. “Rachel used to tell me to cheer up all the time, and…” She chokes. “And look where that got her.”

Kate crosses the space between them and hugs her, but she doesn’t break down the way she did last night. Mostly she sniffs and holds Kate tight for a minute.

“You can stay,” Kate says softly. “Sorry I lashed out.”

“I deserve it once in a while, you know?” Chloe says, pulling away. “I promise I won’t, like, jump in with my pissiness again unless you ask for it.”

“When would I ask for it?” Kate asks, giving her a small smile.

“Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t occasionally want someone to say everything’s shit. It’s cathartic,” Chloe says, waving her off. “Can’t pretend everything’s good all the time.”

“You...might have a point.” There’s something to be said for having someone who isn’t always trying to look on the bright side, Kate thinks. Someone who will agree when you say things are bad and support you anyway.

Just as Chloe’s about to respond, Kate’s phone vibrates on her desk. She heads over and picks it up.

Mom.

“It’s her,” she says, looking over to Chloe. “Do you mind—”

“Hey, I’m outta here,” Chloe says immediately. “Good luck.”

As the door closes behind Chloe, Kate swipes and answers the call, sitting down at her desk. She kneads the hem of her skirt in her free hand. “Hello?” she says timidly.

“You were supposed to call me yesterday, young lady,” her mother replies, and Kate feels her shoulders tense. “Didn’t you get my e-mail?”

“I—I’m sorry, yesterday was—”

“I don’t want to hear excuses. What exactly was going on in this ‘video’ of yours? Of course I had to _see_ it after your aunt stumbled across it, but I want to hear exactly what you were doing there.”

Kate swallows. “Mom, I — someone put something in my drink.”

“And what were you doing drinking in the first place? You promised you’d be on your best behavior at Blackwell, otherwise I would never have agreed to let you go.”

“I was just going because, because the people who put it on are important here, and I—”

“That doesn’t matter. You wouldn’t be in this position if you hadn’t set yourself up to be a victim.”

“Mom, I was drugged!” Kate pleads. “Please, it’s — they arrested the man who did it yesterday, shot the person who was helping him, everything’s crazy around here right now. I almost…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Have you checked the news from Arcadia Bay yet? I was...I was taken by a boy the photographer teacher was, was mentoring or something, he took...he took pictures of me while—”

“What kind of pictures?”

“I don’t know, Mom, I didn’t see them, they took them as evidence. They shot him, Mom, he’s dead, and I…” Kate starts to choke up. “I’m really messed up right now and I didn’t know what to do a-and I still don’t.”

“None of this excuses what you’ve done. If pervert teachers really are working there, maybe we _should_ pull you out. And you still shouldn’t have gone to that party.”

“M-my friend was supposed to be there, but she was sick—”

“Probably with some STD. The people you meet at these places.” Her mother sighs on the other end of the phone. “When your father gets home we’re going to have a very serious talk about your future in Blackwell. I expect you to go to church and confess your sins and pray for forgiveness. I’m very disappointed in you.”

“I could have died, mom,” Kate says, her voice straining. “One of the other girls he took, she, she died because he overdosed her.”

“All the more reason to have you back home _safe._ From yourself and the degenerates at that school. You’ll be better off where I can watch out for you.” Kate bristles, thinking about what her mother might say about Chloe, the one who’s been there with her for everything. She swallows any objection she might have. She’ll just be shouted down.

“I—I don’t want to go back home. I w-want to finish the semester.” She didn’t think she’d be so quick to abandon the idea of returning home, but right now it feels better to be further away from her mother.

“Hmph. Your father and I will discuss it. I’m sure he’ll want to talk to you too. You haven’t exactly put my mind at ease.”

“I’m sorry,” Kate mumbles, her face hot and eyes stinging. “C-class is cancelled today. He can call...whenever he wants.”

“All right. I love you, Kate. We’ll talk soon.”

Her words sound hollow after this conversation, but Kate repeats _I love you_ back. Once the call is ended, she sets down her phone, shoulders shaking. Her breath is heavy, beyond her control.

She wishes Chloe was in here. Wishes, somehow, that she had Chloe’s bite, her ability to stand up to people. Just an ounce of her bravery.

She stands up, running a hand through her hair. She heads for the door, more than ready to accept Chloe back into her space again.

 

* * *

 

Chloe can’t really hear the conversation going on behind her, and she’s almost glad for that. She’d just want to interrupt and get Kate’s nice little family life all fucked up. Better she stay out here where she can’t cause problems.

She scrolls aimlessly through social media on her phone as she leans against Kate’s door, watching the news of Jefferson’s death and Nathan’s arrest spread. The local papers ran stories this morning.

She hears a door open at the end of the hall and looks over. Victoria. Of course. She tenses, ready for another confrontation with this fucking girl, but she remembers. Victoria and Rachel knew each other, once. It’s how Victoria and Chloe first really met.

She should know.

Victoria spots her and freezes up for a second, then seems to gather whatever passes for courage in herself and starts walking past her, head held high and pointedly _not_ looking at Chloe.

Well. Chloe was never good at staying quiet.

“Hey, Vic,” she says, trying to keep her tone neutral. Victoria stops in her tracks, like she’s making a mental calculation before actually turning to engage Chloe.

“What the fuck are you doing here again?” she asks, and Chloe restrains herself.

“Helping Kate. Like always.” She folds her arms.

“What’s _with_ you and her anyway—”

“Jesus, Vic, could you stop for a fucking second?” Chloe snaps. “Rachel’s dead.”

Vic closes her mouth, finally. She takes in a sharp breath. “Yeah? Who fucking cares?”

“Just thought you should know. Nathan killed her.”

Victoria visibly stiffens. “You’re so full of shit, Price.”

“You know he got arrested yesterday. I’m guessing. He told the cops everything.” Chloe’s not sure what else to tell her. If she wants to rub all this in too much. Victoria’s a bitch but she’s not a monster like her friend. No way she knew about all this. But on the other hand… “He drugged her. Just like he drugged me and Kate.”

“Fuck you.” Victoria’s shaking now, clenching her hands in fists. “You’re just bullshitting me. I don’t even know why I stopped to talk to you. I should just report your junkie ass to David.”

Chloe sighs. “Go for it, Vic. He knows I’m here. And why.” She waves her on. “Go forth and be a bitch somewhere else if you want.”

Victoria stalks off without another word. Well. Chloe tried. What Victoria does is up to her.

Chloe has a brief second of panic when the door opens behind her and she’s afraid she’s about to fall on Kate’s face. Luckily Kate’s only cracking the door, one reddened green eye visible in the slit of light as Chloe rights herself.

“You can come back in now,” she says softly, and Chloe nods. As she enters the room and closes the door, Kate steps back and hugs herself.

Chloe touches her shoulder. “Didn’t go that great, huh?”

“She’s threatening to pull me out of Blackwell,” Kate mumbles.

“You don’t want to leave?” Chloe asks. “I mean, a lot of bad shit happened here. I’d...I’d totally get it if you wanted to go.”

“I don’t want to go back home. Not after the way she talked to me. I...God, it’s weird. But I feel safer here with you than with her.” Kate sniffs. “You were there for me, even when it was hard, even when it — it didn’t work out. You stood in front of a gun for me and we barely knew each other. And then…” She sighs, wiping at her eyes. “You were right. She just wanted to judge me. She didn’t even listen. She never wanted me to come here in the first place.

Chloe gives her a quick squeeze. “I get it. Believe me, I do.”

“My dad’s gonna call later, she said. They’ll decide what they’re doing.”

“Want me to hang until then?” Chloe asks.

“Y-yeah, I think I would. I need to get showered and changed, though.” Kate thinks for a minute. “After that...would you be okay with looking for a tea shop? Somewhere off-campus we can be for a while?”

“That sounds awesome, Kate. I’ll go outside, have a smoke or something. Text me when you’re ready to roll out.”

“Thanks, Chloe.” Kate runs a hand through her hair. “I will.”

Chloe manages to restrict herself to just one cigarette while she’s out in the quad, watching the kids try to do something with themselves. She wonders if she should talk to the old skate squad, tell them what happened to Rachel. But they were always Rachel’s friends, not really hers. Sometimes she wishes she knew them better. Or anyone.

All she ever does is latch onto one girl at a time. Drains her dry. And then she’s left alone again, one way or the other.

Kate’s a senior. She’ll be moving away in a year, anyway. It’s okay for her to do this, right?

Fuck.

Chloe should really spend less time alone.

Kate’s text rescues her, and from then on the day almost becomes easy. They head to her truck together, look up tea and coffee shops in Arcadia Bay on their phones, trying to find something based on reviews. Chloe takes particular delight in reading the bad ones aloud to Kate and watching her giggle; “A dark and twisted place. Foul energy runs in the air, or maybe that’s the permanently clogged toilet,” she intones gravely as Kate covers her grin with a hand.

Their eventual choice is located near the edge of town. It’s a long drive, and Kate seems to sink into the bench seat and almost fall asleep as they listen to an old CD that Rachel gave Chloe long ago. Quiet hippie indie music. It reminds Chloe of easier times. Once they actually arrive, Kate offers Chloe a recommendation. She takes the plunge.

Tea is gross, Chloe decides. She tries everything Kate suggests to improve the taste, but it may end up being as helpless as Rachel’s similar attempts to convert Chloe to the ways of Starbucks. Chloe may just prefer a sugar overload, in the end.

But Kate’s smiling at her anyway. “You know, most of these places do have hot chocolate too,” she says, peeking over her cup.

“Sometimes a girl wants to try new things!” Chloe insists. “You know, try and be _sophisticated_ and shit. Just...doesn’t always work.”

Kate laughs. “Don’t worry, I like you anyway. You don’t have to change for me.”

“You are gonna regret those words someday.”

But not today, it seems. Killing time with Kate is so easy. They stay in the tea shop for a long time, even after they’ve mostly fallen into silence, listening to the music playing over the speakers. They order lunch there, after a time, and then move back to Blackwell again, lounging across the room from each other while Kate plays music on her laptop and does what little homework she has for next week.

When Kate’s father calls, Chloe asks if she should stay in, this time. Kate takes a moment to decide while her phone rings, but she says, “Wait outside. But don’t go.”

Chloe tries to control her breath as she waits in the hall. It’s taking _so long._ And if it goes badly, then she’s alone again, without Kate, without anyone who really cares.

It’s not hard to imagine where she’d end up. The images are a common enough refrain in her mind. Bloodstains in the bathtub, brains on the garage wall. Blue stained crimson. A grave beside her father.

She clenches and unclenches her fist. Waits and waits and waits. Ignores the footsteps of those passing by.

When Kate finally lets her back in, her eyes are red and puffy again, but she seems okay. She takes a minute to compose herself after Chloe asks, “So what’s the news?”

“I—I can stay,” she murmurs. “He listened. He told me that...that I made a terrible mistake, but it’s not my fault. That I was attacked and that he loves me and wants me to be strong, and, and happy. He said he and mom argued about it for a while.” She sinks down onto her bed, and Chloe immediately joins her. “I’m going home for Thanksgiving. They said we might talk more about it then.”

“Well, hey. At least you get to stay for a couple more weeks, at least. I…” Chloe sucks in a deep breath. “I didn’t want you to go already.”

“I know,” Kate says quietly. “Thank you. It feels like everyone wants to just avoid me now. No one’s texted me, or asked me if I’m okay, not even Dana. I caught her watching the video on Monday too. Everyone’s too scared, like they’ll break me if they say anything.” She leans into Chloe’s side. “Not you, though.”

They spend a moment like that, leaning on one another, feeling the other’s presence. Chloe wonders if she should even be doing this. Does Kate even know? Would she stop if she did?

Chloe’s phone buzzes in her pocket. She pulls it out. A text from David.

_Your. Mother wants you home for dinner tonight._

“David needs to turn off autocorrect,” Chloe says with a chuckle. “Listen, I gotta go home, I’m sure mom wants to make sure I’m not...getting into trouble. But...tomorrow, you wanna grab lunch? Stay in touch?”

“I’d like that,” Kate says with a smile. “I’ll keep looking for a tea you might actually like.”

“Keep dreaming that impossible dream, Kate.” Chloe reaches up and ruffles her hair. “Thanks. For today, and everything. It was nice.”

“Of course. I needed it too. If I was doing this all alone…” Kate worries her lip.

“I know what you mean.” Chloe stands up, Kate with her.

Kate gives her one last hug before she goes. Chloe breathes easier once she’s on her way home than she has in a long while.

Maybe it’s not really stability, but she’ll take what solid ground she can get.


	7. 2 Corinthians 7:11

Re-entering school is surreal.

There’s a wide gap in Kate’s schedule where Photography once was, and the halls are quiet and tense. Her lunches with Chloe serve as her only real escape; while they are still largely silent affairs, they are calm and occasionally even fun. They wait for the news every day. Wait to be called to court, to be told some other awful fact about the case. For a long while, nothing comes.

It’s almost a full week of school being back in session before anything new comes up. Chloe’s quiet as she picks up Kate that day, the music turned down low. As Kate climbs in, Chloe says, “Tea today?”

“Sure,” Kate replies, trying to see what’s bothering her. Not that Chloe’s been happy-go-lucky from the start, or anything, but there’s a distinct cloud over her right now. “Are you feeling okay?” she asks, reaching across the seats and putting a hand on Chloe’s shoulder.

“Court called today.” She says it so flatly. “Surprised they haven’t talked to you yet.”

“R-really? What did they say?”

Chloe sighs, turning out of the parking lot. “Nathan’s pleading guilty. We don’t have to show up in court. They’ll sentence him in a month or something like that.”

“Oh.” Kate swallows.

“Yeah. Guess it’s just...a lot to think about. All of it is.”

Kate nods, and the car falls silent again. It’s hard to know what to say right now. Kate’s mind is still processing that, that at least part of this nightmare is over. The case doesn’t have to hang over her head. Now it’s just...dealing with the fallout.

That’s not going to get much easier with a guilty plea, anyway.

They reach the tea shop eventually and busy themselves with ordering, Chloe mostly staring into the table. Kate dares to look up as their drinks arrive, trying to catch Chloe’s eye.

“How…” She trails off, then tries again. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know. I know he’s probably gonna get a lighter sentence because he plead guilty. That pisses me off. Other hand…” Chloe swirls her spoon in her hot chocolate. “I really didn’t wanna go to court and get looked over and asked a shitload of questions and have everyone think I’m some slut who got what was coming to her. Not into that. Had enough of that shit already.”

Kate feels a lump in her throat. Sometimes it seems like Chloe has a direct link to her own head. “Y-yeah,” she mumbles. “I know what you mean.”

“Seen enough of it thrown at you, too.” Chloe looks up and meets her eyes. “You doing okay?”

Kate looks down and gives a half-hearted shrug. “I mean…”

“Dumb question. I know. Anything you wanna say, though?”

Kate smiles, despite it all. It’s nice to have someone so willing to listen. And she thinks, and what’s been at the back of her mind for the last week finally worms its way to the front.

“I’m glad,” she admits at last. “I didn’t want to...to see that video again. I know it’s important evidence but…” She chokes, surprised at how sudden her mind clouds, her eyes stinging. “I—I…”

“Hey,” Chloe says, reaching across the table and laying her hand over Kate’s. “It’s okay. I get it.”

“I just keep thinking about it,” Kate whispers, trying to keep her voice low, keep the sobs out of it. “T-that’s my first kiss, on video, for everyone to see, and I was drugged and, and I didn’t know what was happening and—” She covers her mouth, her hand shooting out from under Chloe’s. She squeezes her eyes closed tight. Not here, Kate, not now.

“That wasn’t your first kiss,” Chloe states. So certain.

“W-what?” Kate opens her eyes. “O-of course it was—”

“No. Doesn’t count.” Chloe folds her arms. “You said it yourself, you didn’t know what was happening. It wasn’t your choice. Your first kiss is the first person that you kiss because you just wanted to. No one gets to take that from you, okay? It’s yours.”

Kate meets Chloe’s gaze. She’s serious about this, dead serious. She doesn’t waver.

“Look, I — if you counted the first time someone kissed me as my first kiss, I’d be grossed the hell out,” Chloe continues. “I know when my _real_ first kiss was. So will you someday. They don’t get to choose that for you, not Nathan, not those boys at the party, fucking no one but you.”

“I just…” Kate sniffs. “I feel so _violated._ I...I don’t even really know what he did to me after he brought me to that place…”

“It doesn’t matter. None of it makes you broken or impure or whatever the fuck. It’s your own choice, okay? When you choose to...to open yourself up to someone like that, it’s a totally different thing. It means something else. That can’t be tainted by other people.” Chloe’s voice is so quiet.

“...what’s the difference?” Kate asks softly. “B-between your first kiss and, and your _real_ one.”

“Well, for me, it was doing stuff because I thought I should, or because it was part of some bullshit game, or because I thought it’d make me better. Those were my fake first kisses. My real one…” Chloe looks away. “I did it just because I wanted to, and it made me feel good. I’ll always remember it. I’ll forget the other ones. Already have, for a lot of them.”

“Who was it with?”

Chloe freezes, then cracks a smirk. “Wouldn’t you like to know? Like I said, Kate. That one’s mine.”

Kate wipes at her eyes and chuckles weakly. “All right, all right.” It’s weird to hear this from someone. That she’s the one in control of what she considers her firsts, she’s the one who decides what her body’s worth. “Thank you,” she murmurs.

“Prick doesn’t get to mess up the rest of your life. You can do that yourself,” Chloe teases, reaching across and squeezing her hand again. “Ask me for pointers, I’m really good at it,” she adds.

“I feel like I already did mess up,” Kate admits.

“Well, you didn’t. Believe me, I know it when I see it. You’ll be okay, Kate.” Her thumb strokes the back of Kate’s hand and it tingles. “I know you will.”

 

* * *

 

Joyce knocks on Chloe’s door that night.

She’s lying in bed, staring at her phone, at the picture Kate sent of Alice (per Chloe’s request, of course.) She’s been doing a lot of that today, just staring, mind blanking. She feels so numb so much of the time. She wonders if it’ll stop this time. She knows this is the worst part of the cycle, when it seems like it’d be so easy, so mechanical, so simple, to just go. She can imagine the motion of a razor blade across her throat and not be afraid of the blood or the choking. It all seems so cold and logical.

When Joyce knocks, Chloe’s not sure she even wants to acknowledge it. It’s only when Joyce says her name quietly that she sighs and decides that maybe she should interact with someone besides Kate after all.

“Yeah?” she answers, laying her phone down and staring at the ceiling.

Joyce peeks her head into the room through the door and sees that Chloe’s not apparently in a hostile state, and decides to venture further in and take a seat on her bed.

“How’re you doing, Chloe?” she asks, something straining behind her voice.

Chloe wants to laugh. Would have been nice if Joyce had asked that question so sincerely years ago instead of trying to make her into the perfect daughter with raised voices and angry words. But she crushes down an urge to be sarcastic. She doesn’t have the energy for it.

“Fine,” she says instead. Just follow the script and she’ll get out of here.

“Even after that call this morning?”

“I’m dealing, Mom.”

Joyce audibly swallows. She’s twitching, nervous. Just as she opens her mouth, Chloe cuts her off with, “Don’t say I can talk to you about anything, 'cuz I can’t.” Like when David hit her the first time and Joyce accused her of making it up.

There it is. The burn of anger, still lit in there somewhere. It feels better than the alternative of nothing at all, but Chloe’s keeping it in, Jesus, don’t start a fight.

“I’m sorry if—if I made you feel that way, Chloe, I—”

“Did you come in here for a reason or what?” Chloe asks.

Joyce takes in a sharp breath. “I did. I told you I’d look out for Rachel’s funeral. They’re having it Sunday. After they heard about the plea, that she won’t need to be tested, her parents...took her home.”

Chloe sits up, tense, crossing her legs.

“I was thinking I could take you,” Joyce continues, staring at the covers. “We could drive down. It’s a long way, but...we can afford a couple of nights in hotels for this. I know how much she mattered to you. I know I didn’t show it, but…”

Chloe’s fingers lock into fists. Her face feels hot. All she can think is, _you never even liked her when she was alive. You told me to stay away from her. You said she was a bad influence when she was the only person who kept me alive._

Keep it down. Not now, not here. There’s no point. She takes a moment before speaking.

“I’d rather go alone,” is what she settles on, looking up and meeting Joyce’s eyes.

She breaks. Chloe can see it. Her shoulders slump and she breaks eye contact, running her knuckles over her thigh.

“If that’s what you want,” she says quietly. “I knew her too, but — but she was your...friend.” The way she struggles with that last word sets an old panic in Chloe’s heart. The _does she know_ panic, not that Chloe’s ever really hidden it, not that she doesn’t in some way _want_ Joyce to know, to talk about something openly for fucking once, but if she doesn’t like it, if David finds out and hates it, it’s just another thing to disappoint her with.

Joyce waits, but Chloe doesn’t know what else to say. She’s made her position clear and for once there’s no argument. Joyce gets up, after a while. She stops at the door, leaving a hand on the frame.

“I’ll leave some money out for you for tomorrow,” she says. “If I don’t see you — can you at least call when you get a hotel?”

“I’ll send you a text,” Chloe says. “Good enough?”

“Yeah. Sure, Chloe.” Joyce sighs. “Take care, okay?”

Chloe doesn’t respond, falling onto her back again and letting Joyce let herself out. She breathes a sigh of relief when she’s gone. Easier to be alone. Always easier.

Except…

Having Kate to hold, to cry on, when she first heard the news was better than it would have been alone. That’s obvious. She still hasn’t bled in a while, despite the urge coming every time she’s in the bathroom alone. There’s too much twisted up in her relationship with Joyce to be anywhere near her most of the time, but Kate…

Would she even want to go? She never even _met_ Rachel. Would Kate be willing to go on a crazed roadtrip to California on the shortest possible notice just to help Chloe’s sorry ass through it?

Even Rachel wouldn’t have done that.

She stares at her stalled message history with Kate.

Fuck it. She might as well ask.

At first she tries to find a sentence that will convey the entire question in a text without coming off as weird or needy or demanding and she utterly fails. She gives up and calls.

“Chloe?” Kate asks as the call connects.

“Hey, Kate. So, um, listen…” Chloe takes in a deep breath. “Rachel’s funeral is on Sunday. I’m driving down to Long Beach tomorrow morning.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Kate’s question is so immediate that it almost takes Chloe off-guard.

“I...I don’t know.” Chloe gulps, sweat beading on her neck. “I...I was kinda calling to ask if you’d want to go with me.”

“...you’d want me with you?”

“I—I guess I just—” Chloe grasps for words that will make this appealing in literally any way. “I do. I want someone with me so I’m not alone, but I don’t want it to be, like, my mom or David, and—”

“Okay.”

“Wait, really?”

“I can take my homework with me. I’ll study in the hotel. I want to be there for you, Chloe. You were there for me, and...and I feel like, even if I didn’t know Rachel, I owe her.” Kate pauses. “Do you think your parents would take care of Alice if I dropped her off? Or should I ask Dana? I can write out some care instructions for her…”

“I bet Mom would love having a fuzzy animal back in the house,” Chloe says with a smirk. “David might not be super into it, but it’s not like she’s high-maintenance.” She thinks again about what she’s asking Kate for, and clears her throat. “Kate, you don’t have to go, though. If you don’t want to. It’s gonna be a lot of driving, and I — I don’t think I’ll be the best company, you know?”

“I can help you drive. I have my license.”

“Really? Huh.”

“Dad taught me. He thought it was important. And Chloe…” Kate stops again, gathering her thoughts. “You’re the best company I’ve had since I got here. I’d be happy to get out of Blackwell for a while and help you. I want to pay my respects, too. It seems like...like we should both be there.”

“If...if you’re sure. We should leave early tomorrow. Mom’s giving me some money. Should be enough for a hotel and stuff. I’ll come by and pick you up, yeah?”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can keep up our search for tea in California?” Chloe can just imagine her face now, the little smile she gives when she’s trying to lighten the mood, and it’s almost too much. God, she shouldn’t be in this deep, should have never asked, should have just stayed alone.

“Sounds good, Kate. Thanks.”

“You’re always welcome, Chloe.”

As she hangs up, Chloe puts her hands over her face and groans.

This weekend is going to be Hell.


	8. Matthew 5:4

Kate stands in her room, brooding over the suitcase she packed for the trip. She picked her nice black dress for the funeral itself. She wonders if Chloe owns any formal clothes at all.

God, what is she doing?

This is definitely something her mother wouldn’t approve of. Even her father would probably gently tell her to just stay in school. It’s a long drive, Kate looked it up, fifteen hours plus breaks. And yet…

She can’t think of anything she’d rather be doing this weekend, especially not with Chloe out of town. She still hasn’t really talked to Dana or Alyssa or Stella, and it always feels like she’s the one who has to break the ice with them now. Chloe’s the one who actually seems to want to be around her. Why would she stay here when she could be with her?

She’s been having a lot of thoughts like that lately. She knows what she’s supposed to do, but it never feels like it’d be as good for her as the wrong thing. Maybe Chloe really is a bad influence.

It’s too late for doubts, Kate. You said you’d go. You _want_ to go. Mom and Dad don’t need to know about this.

She closes up her suitcase and checks her phone. Just as she unlocks it, the message from Chloe shows up, and she heads out the door to let her in so she can take Alice’s cage. Chloe bites her lip as soon as she sees Kate through the glass door, looking away as she opens it.

“Hey,” she offers. “You still wanna go?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Kate steps aside to let her in. “I said I did.”

“Yeah, just — okay.” Chloe seems unwilling to meet her eyes. Kate motions her down the hall. Chloe takes Alice’s cage very delicately in her arms as Kate grabs her own suitcase. As they head down the hall, Victoria emerges from the showers, a sour expression on her face the instant she spots Chloe.

“Where the hell are you two going? Moving in already?” she asks, glaring at Chloe.

Chloe rolls her eyes. “Jesus Christ, do you ever turn it off? We’re going to Rachel’s funeral.”

Victoria stiffens. “I’m sure all her fuckbuddies will show up and—”

“If I wasn’t holding this bunny I’d break your fucking nose,” Chloe growls. Kate involuntarily giggles, then covers her mouth. Inappropriate.

Victoria turns her gaze to Kate, nose curled up. “Whatever. You two are so pathetic. You didn’t even _know_ her,” she adds, pointing at Kate. “She was such a bitch, you’d probably say she was going to Hell.”

“I don’t judge people like that,” Kate says defiantly, hearing Chloe’s sharp intake of breath beside her. It feels good to have someone so strong with her. She can stand up to Victoria so long as Chloe’s got her back.

“What the hell ever, Bible-humper. You’re just going because—”

“Oh my God, come on Kate, enough of this bitch,” Chloe groans. “Sick of hearing her stupid voice.”

“We have a long drive,” Kate says, trying to put some of Chloe’s acid in her voice. “Leave us alone.”

“Hmph. Have fun crying about a slut, I guess,” Victoria says, turning and waving her hand dismissively.

Chloe lets out a long sigh once they’re out of the building. “Y’know, one of the best things about dropping out was _not_ having to see her all the time.”

Kate lets out a little laugh. “You make it sound so appealing.”

“Oh no no no, don’t actually let me be a bad influence on you, Kate,” Chloe warns. “Soon I’ll convince you to get a nose piercing and all hell will break loose.”

Kate giggles again. Despite what they’re about to do, it’s nice that Chloe can still joke around with her, keep a lighter tone. They’ll need that for the next fifteen hours.

Kate puts her suitcase in the back of Chloe’s truck, then holds Alice on her lap on the way back to Chloe’s place. They drop her off in the living room with written instructions for her care, and manage to get in and out without seeing either of Chloe’s parents. Chloe brings out her phone once they’re in the truck, activating the GPS and placing it on the dashboard.

“Got a CD binder in the glovebox,” Chloe says. “See if anything in it works for you.”

Kate does as she asks, unzipping the binder and looking through it. There’s a point midway through where the handwriting on the burned CDs turns from blocks to something more careful, cursive script. Kate doesn’t recognize any of the bands, at least not more than beyond a name and vague associations. She’s never heard _any_ of this.

“I don’t know,” Kate admits at last. “Anything you think I might like?”

“Mm.” Chloe clears her throat. “Uh, Rachel made her own CDs for the car after I had it long enough. We...we wanted to get ready for a roadtrip. Some of her stuff might be more your style. Pretty obvious which ones are which.”

Kate nods, looking intently at the binder and selecting a CD with Rachel’s handwriting. Soft guitar chords start up after she puts it in the stereo, and Chloe takes in a sharp breath. Kate turns to look at her, her face tight and eyes shining as she drives. She shifts closer, across the seats. Her hand twitches on the leather, wanting to touch Chloe’s thigh, remind her that she’s here for her. Is that weird? It feels like it would be so natural to just…

Kate swallows and stares out the windshield, fingers tightening. It _is_ weird. You _know_ it’s weird. Let her grieve. She knows you’re here for her, you don’t have to touch her.

Kate tries to divert her attention to the music instead, the GPS. She plugs her phone into the car charger that Chloe brought, but can’t think of anything to do with her data connection right now.

She leans back and closes her eyes as Chloe gets them onto the highway. She woke up early today, body too full of nerves to keep sleeping. She always gets that way when she travels; she remembers being up at 4:30 the day her parents took her to Blackwell. She’d been so excited. Now she finds herself happy just to escape it, just for a couple of days, with Chloe.

She knows this isn’t a joyous occasion. That Chloe won’t be okay. But maybe she’ll be better with Kate here, and Kate should pay her respects too. In a way, Rachel’s death might have saved them both. Maybe he underdosed Chloe, avoided killing Kate.

What a terrible sacrifice.

Kate tries not to think too much on it. Not now. There’s still a long way to go.

Rachel’s music soothes their journey. Most of the CDs they cycle through feature female singers, their voices strong and sonorous, and sometimes Kate can see Chloe mouthing along the words to the songs. They spend most of their time with just the music and the GPS guiding them, Kate nodding off for a nap after lunch. Chloe wakes her up at a gas station and they switch positions once the tank is full and Chloe’s bought a few energy drinks for the road.

As Chloe climbs into the passenger side, she stretches, cracking her neck. “That’s one-third,” she says, giving Kate a lopsided smile. “Think you can handle it?”

“When my family went to Yellowstone they had me drive a bunch to get my hours in for my license,” Kate informs her proudly. “I can do that again, no problem. Plus this time my sisters aren’t screaming in the back seat.”

Chloe chuckles. “Well look at you with the big happy family.” She pauses. “Huh. You know, me and Rachel were only children. Wonder if that’s why we were so fucked-up. Nobody I knew ever had brothers or sisters, come to think of it. Mighta been nice.” She looks out the window as Kate starts driving. “Wonder how her parents are taking all this,” she murmurs.

“I can’t even imagine.” Kate swallows.

“She never talked about them much. Don’t think they were close or anything. Once…” Chloe pauses. “Once she said she thought she might’ve been a mistake. She was _really_ drunk, though. I don’t know if she even remembered telling me that.”

“I—I’m sure…” Kate trails off. She knows that saying _I’m sure they loved her a lot_ might not be the right thing to say to Chloe. Not after seeing Chloe’s parents, the way she relates to them. It might hurt too much.

“Anyway. I hope when we show up nobody freaks,” Chloe says with a sigh. “I don’t know if they even know about me, but it’s just — just an open-air thing near the beach. They had to cremate her and stuff, so they’re spreading the ashes.” She leans against the window as Kate turns onto the highway. “She always said she’d take me surfing.”

Kate bites her lip. What can she possibly say? She can’t even reach over and touch Chloe, tell her it’s going to be okay, because it isn’t. Rachel’s dead. That’s not going away for her. The longer she’s known Chloe, the more clear it’s become that she really did love Rachel more than Kate thinks she might’ve loved anyone.

The image of Chloe’s room comes back into her head. The walls patterned with women. The things she said about Rachel. Kate glances over at Chloe, watching her select one of her own CDs for the drive. Could she and Rachel have been…?

No. No, that’s ridiculous, Kate. Chloe’s obviously a good person, despite the horrors of her life so far. Put it out of your mind.

She focuses on the road and they fall into silence again, pop-punk coming out of the speakers at low volume. There isn’t a lot of real conversation for the rest of the drive, a brief stop for dinner and another switch for the home stretch to the Motel 6 that Chloe marked as their resting place.

Chloe has to wake her up again when they get there. Kate drags herself out of the car, taking her suitcase when Chloe dumps it on her. She waits in the lobby while Chloe checks in, paying with cash, then follows her to the room. Two twin beds in a tiny little space, but it’s so welcome after the long drive. Chloe drops her bag off the second she’s in the door, closes the blinds, and immediately strips off her top, then starts unhooking her bra.

Kate looks away, feeling heat in her cheeks, and decides to head into the bathroom to change. Her heartbeat seems too high, her skin too flushed. She takes a moment to calm down, splash water on her face, brush her teeth, let her hair down.

When she emerges, she finds Chloe splayed out on one of the beds, long bare legs beneath her shorts stretched over the covers. Her bracelets are gone, but that three-bullet necklace remains draped over an old band t-shirt.

“Thanks for coming out here with me, Kate,” Chloe says, turning on her side to see her as she settles down onto her own bed. “And driving and stuff. It was kinda nice not to have to do this alone.”

“I hope I wasn’t too boring,” Kate murmurs. “I know I didn’t talk much, but—”

“Totally fine with me. Not in a super chatty mood anyway. Just…” Chloe turns onto her back, staring into the ceiling. “Just having you there was enough, you know?”

Kate’s blushing again. God. Thinking too much. She clears her throat. “A-anytime, Chloe.”

“I’m gonna go out for a smoke, kay? Be back soon.”

Kate nods, shuffling herself under the covers. Chloe turns off the light as she goes out.

Kate tries to sleep, closing her eyes and not thinking of all the little moments today that made her stomach buzz. Something feels off. She knows something is off, but maybe this is just what it’s like to have a friend this close. Even if they haven’t known each other long, Kate feels she knows Chloe so well, that their connection runs so deep. Does that just happen, sometimes? Is that how best friends are?

She’s never had one. Always a little too busy for friends back home, with violin lessons and Sunday School and youth group and everything her parents put her into to make her a proper young lady. Blackwell had felt different, for a while. Chloe is _very_ different.

She puts her arms under her pillow, squeezing her hands into fists. Go to sleep. This isn’t helping anything.

She hears the door click open, Chloe sneaking into the room. The covers shuffle. Chloe seems to have trouble finding a comfortable way to sleep.

Then her breathing changes. Stutters. Falters. She’s gasping for air, muffled sobs from the other side of the room. She’s trying to be quiet. Hoping Kate doesn’t notice.

Kate’s chest tightens. She has to do something. Be there for her. She can’t just sit here and listen to Chloe cry herself to sleep.

Cautiously, she slips off her bed. Crosses the small distance between them and climbs up behind Chloe. She’s curled into the fetal position, facing the window. It feels easy and natural to come in behind her, wrap an arm around her waist, nose against Chloe’s neck. Chloe freezes in place, going quiet.

Kate wonders if she just made a huge mistake. If she shouldn’t have done this, if it’s too weird. But Chloe starts to breathe again, relaxing into Kate’s arms. She’s still shaking a little, letting out the occasional sob. Kate whispers, “It’s okay.”

Chloe lets out a whimper in response, but sinks deeper into Kate’s hold. In time, she settles, and so does Kate. She falls asleep still wrapped around Chloe, perhaps a bit cramped on this tiny bed, but warm, and content.

 

* * *

 

Chloe awakens in Kate’s arms.

It’s not bad.

She’d been so shocked when Kate had come over to her bed, when she’d felt Kate’s touch. It seemed like a dream. The kind she would have when Max stayed over when they were kids, the kind she’d have when she and Rachel passed out at a party. But here she is, orange filtering through the hotel blinds, and Kate’s small body around her own.

She shouldn’t have looked through her old messages when she had her cigarette. She knew it was stupid. Knew it would only hurt to see those conversations, the dumb jokes they sent each other, the days without replies and the arguments and the sweet nothings. All of it, any of it.

She thinks about deleting them. Deleting Rachel’s number. But it’s all that’s left of her. Today the pieces of her will fly into the wind and disperse in the waves, leaving Chloe behind, like everyone else did.

Fuck, Price. Can’t you keep it together for one second? You’re going to a funeral today, save your fucking tears.

She needs to get up. To start doing something. To stop spiraling. But she shouldn’t wake Kate, right? Or should she? The funeral’s at ten. God, they’re going to be exhausted by the time they get back to the Bay. Chloe wonders if they should just spend another night in the hotel, but the thought of lingering here inactive is just as bad. At least on the road she can exhaust herself. It feels like that’s the only way to survive.

Kate moves behind her and she’s both thankful and afraid to lose her touch. Afraid if Kate’s not holding her together she’ll just fly apart.

Kate lets out little sounds as she squirms and starts to wake up, and Chloe likes them, and she wishes she didn’t, so much. Kate lets out a final yawn to signal that she is now, for real, awake.

“Did you sleep okay?” Kate asks in her ear. Too close. They need to be apart.

“Y-yeah, mostly.”

“Good.” Kate scoots backward, arms sliding off of Chloe, and she feels maybe she can breathe a little easier. Chloe falls over on her back once Kate’s on her feet, looking up and watching her stretch. She can afford a little indulgence, right now. Soon she’ll be getting ready.

“What time is it?” she asks.

Kate looks toward the clock. “Eight-thirty. We should get ready. Do you mind if I take the first shower?”

“Sure. I’ll grab us breakfast.”

Kate gives her a big smile, which is enough to put some energy into Chloe’s steps as she slips her shoes on and heads to the dining room to salvage some of the continental breakfast. When she comes back, Kate’s already out, looking fresh and clean in a white bathrobe. Her skin glows.

Kate smiles at her as she hands her the paper plate, stacked with butterscotch scones and waffles. They sit together at the tiny table in the corner, and God, this almost feels domestic. It’s always so peaceful with Kate.

“So we’re going home after the funeral, right?” Kate asks.

“Yeah. Figure we just go straight there. You, um, you cool with that?”

“Sounds good. I can skip Monday’s classes if I’m too tired, honestly.” Kate pauses. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

Chloe chuckles. “Told you I was a bad influence.”

“I have a good excuse,” Kate says, folding her arms. “Speaking of being late, we should get ready. The beach isn’t far, right?”

“Nah, ‘bout a half hour drive. Don’t wanna come too early, anyway. Dunno how bad I wanna meet Rachel’s parents.” Chloe breathes carefully.

“Whatever you need. I won’t rush you.”

Chloe nods. They finish their breakfast quickly, and Chloe hops into the hotel shower and dresses herself in the bathroom. Her button-down and slacks are sort of wrinkled, but, well, fuck it. When she heads out to the sink, she spots herself in the mirror and grimaces. Her hair’s a disaster zone. She turns to Kate, who’s dressed herself in a plain black dress that looks just too good on her, and asks her for a comb.

Kate provides, and Chloe sits down and starts trying to get it through her hair, but she keeps running into knots. After a couple of minutes of grunting and struggle, the bed dips behind her, Kate’s hands on her shoulders. Chloe’s heart skips a beat. “Here,” she says softly, and a brush starts tugging at Chloe’s hair. Chloe holds still despite the pain, one of Kate’s hands still steady on her shoulder, warm and anchoring.

Okay, is this just how Kate is, or is she _intentionally_ flustering Chloe? Chloe would tease Kate about this, but she doesn’t want her to freak out and stop. Guilt claws in her stomach as she thinks that, that she’s just taking whatever she can get from Kate because Kate doesn’t know what Chloe is, what she’s really doing to Chloe.

“There,” Kate murmurs after a while, climbing down off the bed. Chloe runs the comb through her hair, parts it, makes herself look at least somewhat formal even if the blue kinda ruins the whole effect.

“You look great,” Kate says as she takes her tools back.

“Isn’t there some saying about lipstick on a pig?” Chloe replies, raising an eyebrow. “C’mon. Let’s get going.”

They pack up and get through checkout, throwing their suitcases in the back of the truck once they’re done. Chloe gets into the driver’s seat, resting her head on the wheel. Thinking.

When Kate gets in the other side, Chloe looks at her, and decides. They shouldn’t just leave this in the air.

“Hey, Kate?” she begins, drumming her fingers nervously. “Thanks. For, um, for last night.”

Kate looks away, red blooming in her cheeks. “Oh. I just...I just wanted to help.”

“You did. I…” Chloe gulps. “Just, thanks.”

“Whenever you need,” Kate says, nearly a whisper, like she’s embarrassed. Well, that’s what you get for talking about it, Price. Just like Rachel. It means more to you than to her, that’s how it always is, right?

They follow the GPS to the beach, walk in their uncomfortable shoes up the path to the cliffside where the signs point them to. The crowd’s not too big; it seems like the only adults here are Rachel’s parents and grandparents, like the rest of the family couldn’t make it. Maybe they all gave up six months ago. A few of the faces are much younger, probably some of Rachel’s California crew that she’d mention offhand after every summer at home.

Rachel’s parents stand at the edge of the cliff, facing the crowd. It’s obvious who they are. They have her hair, her mom has her...well, almost her entire face, to be honest. Chloe takes a sharp breath as she takes her place near the front. Kate squirms in beside her, and then her nervous fingers intertwine with Chloe’s, hold her there.

Rachel’s mother holds the urn close to her chest. Her husband takes in a deep breath beside her.

“Thank you all for coming out to pay your respects to my daughter,” he begins. “We...we weren’t sure what to do with her, when we heard the news. But we knew she’d never want to be buried in a church graveyard, or have a priest conduct the ceremony. It wasn’t her way.”

Chloe swallows. He’s right. Never was her style.

“I don’t know what else I can say,” he admits. “Only that I’m glad she came home. When she went missing, we didn’t know what to do, or how to feel. Losing her…” He chokes, covering his mouth. “There’s nothing you can say to make it right that she’s gone. To make it okay. To just throw away your, your regrets, the potential she had.”

This is a different kind of crying than Chloe’s used to. It’s not sobs wracking through her body. It’s just flowing out of her eyes, salting her lips. Kate squeezes her hand.

“But we can do right by her. I know my daughter. She’d want to be spread out into the sea. So she can surf forever.” He wipes at his eyes. “That’s all I have.”

He turns to his wife, and she turns to the ocean. She takes the top off of the lid and takes handfuls of Rachel, to scatter her to the winds.

Kate reaches into her bag and hands Chloe a tissue, and thank God for that girl.

Rachel’s father turns back to the crowd. “We have a small event in Shoreline Park for us all to gather and remember Rachel. If you have the time, we have some food and seating arranged. Thank you.”

Chloe feels numb as the crowd wanders back down the path. She stays put, watching Rachel’s parents hold each other, their forms a silhouette against the sky. When the man turns around, he regards Chloe and Kate carefully. He leaves his wife and approaches her.

“You must be Chloe,” he says, and Chloe’s heart leaps in her chest.

“She—she mentioned me?” Chloe asks.

“She did,” he confirms. “She was so excited when she came home one year with that earring you made her. She told us about your hair.” He swallows. “I was hoping you might come. I have something for you.”

“I—Mr. Amber—”

“Please. It’s the least I can do.” He looks over his shoulder at his wife, and she nods at him. “We have...we have everything she left behind.” He reaches into his pocket. “But this was important to her. She still had it when...when we found her.”

He pulls a blue feather from his slacks, and Chloe’s eyes widen. She lets go of Kate’s hand to accept the offer. “I—God, thank you,” she says, choking on her words, the lump back in her throat.

“I’m sorry, I never asked your name,” he says, looking back to Kate.

“I—I’m Kate. N-Nathan got to me too. To both of us.”

He looks sickened by the idea, but he says, “Then I’m glad you came, Kate. You two are such brave girls. I wish we hadn’t had to meet like this.”

Chloe strokes the feather and remembers her fantasies of meeting Rachel’s parents, being accepted into their family like that, some day. Some day, when they were official and stable and Rachel really did love her. She nods fiercely.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to make it to the reception,” Kate says, and bless her for that, for stepping up in Chloe’s place. “We have a long drive back home.”

“I understand. Thank you for coming, both of you. I’m sure it would mean the world to her.” He turns back to his wife, who’s sat down at the edge, the empty urn beside her. “I think we’ll stay here for a while, ourselves. Good luck on the road.”

He pauses, then suddenly comes forward and hugs Chloe, and then Kate in turn. As he heads to be with his wife, Kate takes Chloe’s other hand and leads her back down to the truck. Chloe keeps hold of the feather all the way down. She can’t quite force a sob out, can’t let this pain release.

A small, stupid thing she made because she had a big, stupid crush. And now it’s come back to her. It’s one tiny piece of Rachel she gets to keep, like messages in her phone and the CDs in her car.

Yeah.

There’s the tears.

Kat squeezes, and sits her down in a bench at the edge of the parking lot. She lets Chloe cry it all out as she clutches the earring in her hand. Kate leans her head against Chloe’s shoulder.

When she’s spent, when there’s just nothing left within her, Kate lifts her to her feet. She takes the keys from her and prepares to start the long journey home.

 


	9. Ecclesiastes 3:3

Kate slowly pulls the truck into park, just in front of Chloe’s house. Chloe passed out hours ago, leaning against the window. Kate can listen to her breathe once she shuts the engine off, slow and steady. Should she even wake her? It’s not like Chloe particularly likes being in her house anyway, and Kate’s reluctant to bother her.

She yawns, unbuckling the seatbelt. Don’t be ridiculous, Kate. _You_ need a bed and you know it. It just feels like they’ve been in their own bubble for the last two days, and going back to being surrounded by other people sounds so exhausting. Being with Chloe, despite how awful the past two days have been, feels easy. She understands Chloe, and it feels like Chloe gets her too. The silence between them is comfortable more often than not. The tense, awkward atmosphere of interacting with Chloe’s parents or living at Blackwell do not look appealing in comparison.

She scoots across the bench seat, fighting the urge to just lay her head on Chloe’s shoulder and sleep. She’d wake up with a terrible pain in her back, and probably too early, and that’d be a _really weird thing to do, Kate._

It feels constant, this desire, this want to be closer and away from everyone else. Something squirms in Kate’s chest, threatening to steal her breath and leave her gasping and shaking if she keeps thinking. She shakes Chloe’s shoulder so she’ll have someone else in the room to distract her from herself.

Chloe wakes slowly, moaning softly as her eyes struggle to open.

“We’re here, Chloe,” Kate whispers.

“Mmmm.” Chloe pushes herself off the window, stretching her arms out in front of Kate and cracking her neck. She opened a button or two on her shirt at some point during the drive, rumpled it while she slept. Her bullet necklace hangs in the gap. Kate averts her eyes. “Thanks, Kate,” Chloe murmurs. “For, like, making that last push.”

“I’m not used to having _that_ much caffeine,” Kate admits. “It seemed to work well enough.”

Chloe gives her a soft smirk. “Let’s see if you can fall asleep after those Red Bulls, lightweight.”

“I am definitely going to fall asleep,” Kate says with a smile. “Honestly I’m surprised I made it here.”

“See, don’t tell me stuff like that, you made it here fine and I did nothing wrong by,” Chloe interrupts herself with a loud yawn, “by napping.”

“You didn’t,” Kate confirms. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Mm. Yeah.” Chloe opens her door and Kate follows her out, hitting the lock on the way. Chloe goes around to the back of the truck and brings out both suitcases, handing Kate’s to her and taking her keys. She lets them into the house quietly, instructs Kate to take off her shoes. As they sneak upstairs, Kate realizes she doesn’t know where the guest bedroom is. Chloe goes into her own bedroom, and Kate swallows. She should ask. She should be fine with sleeping alone, getting ready to go tomorrow morning.

She follows Chloe in. Chloe’s already unbuttoning her shirt the rest of the way, letting it slide off her back with a sigh. Kate can barely see her in the monochrome of the night, but the movement of her shoulders catches her eye.

She turns to stare into Chloe’s closet, leaning down and putting her suitcase at her feet. She feels Chloe turn to see her. Did she even realize Kate followed her in? But nothing is said when Kate lifts the dress over her head, stepping into her sweatpants and t-shirt. Chloe’s belt drops to the floor, then her pants. Kate steadies her breath. She silently begs Chloe not to say anything, not to bring up the fact that she should be somewhere else. She can’t just go _now_ , could she? And even if she did, she’d lie awake, wanting to be close to Chloe, and thinking about why, and it’s easier to just indulge it and let it feel nice and let that blank out her mind than actively pretending it’s not there.

She’s breathing too loud.

Chloe says nothing. Kate turns and sees her in a dark band shirt and boxers, nestling under the covers. Kate walks over, crawls up beside her. She can feel something fragile inside her cracking. If Chloe says anything, if she makes her explain herself, she’ll shatter.

Chloe says nothing. Kate buries herself under the covers. Chloe’s body heat is so close. She turns on her side, facing away from Chloe, cheeks burning. That’s too far. You can’t do that again, she doesn’t need it like she did last time.

Kate closes her eyes. Chloe’s asleep quickly, lying on her front beside her, passed out so fast. Kate only sleeps fitfully, waking up with nothing but anxiety in her mind, no knowledge of the dreams that caused it. The light slowly grows, but Kate can’t find it in herself to get up. The sounds of breakfast and doors closing below mark when Joyce and David are up and about, and then it goes silent again. It starts to warm up, and yet moving still seems out of the question. She slips into sleep again, until she wakes up one last time with an aching bladder and decides, well, she can’t stay here forever.

She gets up, leaving a mumbling Chloe. She takes her toiletry bag and phone from her suitcase and heads to the bathroom, checking the time. It’s past noon, somehow. She doesn’t really remember when they got home last night, but Kate can’t regret skipping class today. It feels better to be here, in the quiet of this empty house, than trying to make her way through Blackwell after that roadtrip. She needs this peace. Away from memories.

She brushes her teeth and puts her hair up into its usual bun. She softly pads downstairs, looking to see where Alice is being kept. She finds her cage sitting by the TV in the living room, and briefly takes her out just to sit on the couch and hold her for a while, feeling her tiny little heartbeat when she presses her thumb against Alice’s chest. She’s close to falling asleep again right there when she hears Chloe thumping down the stairs.

“Hey,” Chloe offers as she turns the corner and spots Kate. “Skipping today?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Why does that come out so easy?

“Good plan. Means I don’t have to rush around.” Chloe sinks down beside Kate on the couch, taking Alice gently and bringing her to her lap. “...You feeling okay?”

Kate’s throat is tight. She hasn’t been thinking. Been trying not to think. But she shouldn’t hide things, not from Chloe. “I don’t want to go back to school,” she says, feeling hot and strange as the words leave her mouth. It sounds so _whiny._ “To—to see everyone again, keep having to be there after everything that happened. I wish I could just stay here with you and nobody would care.”

“You...you can go back home, if you want,” Chloe says. “You don’t have to stay here for me.”

“That’s—that’s not the only reason I’m staying in Arcadia.” It’s definitely a big one, though. Too big, in Kate’s mind. Chloe shouldn’t be this important, but she is. “If I go home, it’ll be my family who treats me like, like I’m broken, instead of the other kids. And it’s not like I was exactly popular back home either, I don’t know if rumors would get around or what.” She sniffs. “I don’t know which is better, here or home.”

“Rock and a hard place, huh?” Chloe says. “I get it, man. I do. You know, if you ever need a break…” She looks away. “I’m still kinda unemployed, so, you know, hit me up whenever.”

That brings a thought to Kate’s mind, easier than the memories starting to come up, the video and Nathan’s hands and boys’ mouths on her, so she chases it down. “What are you going to do now? A-about that, I mean.”

Chloe scratches thoughtfully behind Alice’s ears. “I really don’t know,” she murmurs. “Without Rachel...without, like, putting up her posters or waiting to go to L.A. with her, I dunno.” She sighs. “I can’t even go to the junkyard anymore or anything. Don’t really have a lot of cash left. I should look for some grunt work, maybe actually get my GED or something. I hate being stuck at home all the time.” She sighs. “I dunno. Hard to actually think about a future right now. Doesn’t feel like there is one.”

Kate lays her hand over Chloe’s on top of Alice, without really thinking about it. “I know how you feel,” she says quietly.

Chloe leans on Kate. Kate can hear her own heartbeat. “I know.” She pauses, hand still on Alice. “But you’ll make it through, you know. You’ll be okay.”

“What about you?” Kate asks.

“Trying to figure that out.” She hands Alice back to Kate, then stands, stretching. “All right. I owe you breakfast.”

As Kate puts Alice back in her cage, she looks over her shoulder at Chloe. She’s barefoot, still low on clothes, body lanky, skin shining in the sunlight filtering into the house. She looks away, but she feels it. This space, this quiet time between them, it feels strangely beautiful.

She knows she has to go back. But she can stand to have a quiet breakfast with Chloe first, before they both have to face the world again.

 

* * *

 

When Chloe comes back from dropping Kate off, she finds Joyce at the house, making herself food in the kitchen. “Lunch break,” she says when Chloe gives her a confused look.

Chloe thinks for a moment, then sinks down at the kitchen table. She reaches into her pocket and gets out her wallet, taking the last of the cash Joyce had lent her and setting it down. When Joyce comes over with her plate, she raises her eyebrows.

“Figured I’d give back what we didn’t use,” Chloe says with a shrug. Fuck, this is hard. But if she’s going to be trying to put her life back together, might as well start here.

“We,” Joyce repeats, a slight smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “What happened to wanting to go alone?”

“I just…” Chloe struggles for words. “I did want someone with me, but…”

Joyce looks down and sighs. “I know. Chloe…”

“Thanks.”

“What?”

“For, you know. Letting me know, and giving me the money, and stuff.” Chloe avoids looking directly at her. “I couldn’t have gone without your help, I—I know. I was just…”

“I know David and I didn’t exactly know her that well.” Joyce plays idly with the peas on her plate.

“You didn’t like her.”

“It...it wasn’t that,” Joyce says nervously. “It was just — we were really worried about you, and it seemed like when she came along you started having a lot more trouble.”

Chloe’s fist tightens on the table. “She’s the one who _saved_ me.”

“Well, I — I couldn’t see what you did out of the house, could I?”

“Seems like you couldn’t see what happened _in_ the house much, either,” Chloe shoots back.

Joyce’s posture straightens. “What do you mean by that, exactly?”

Chloe bristles at the question. “You know what I mean. You never believed me until I had _bruises,_ and then it was all, ‘oh, he’s a good man, been through a lot, you shouldn’t provoke him.’” She’s trying to keep her breathing under control, trying not to let the memories overwhelm her, trying not to relive the shouting and the fists, the hot tears stinging in her eyes. It’s easier when she can pretend she’s strong enough to just take it like it’s nothing, like it never hurt at all.

Joyce looks away. “...I thought that might be part of it. Chloe…” She takes a deep breath. “I was going to tell you before you put the money out, but...David’s not coming home tonight. We had a fight while you were gone.”

Chloe blinks. “Wait, really?”

Joyce nods, lips pursed. “When you said you didn’t want me to come, and David talked about how you weren’t forgiving him either, it just...I don’t want you to hate me, Chloe. You have to understand. I thought, the first time you told me, that you were just angry at him for replacing your father. When it kept happening I…” She sighs, slumping against the table. “I didn’t know what to do. We were already married. He was already living here. I didn’t have the money to send you to school alone, especially not without his discount.”

Chloe thinks. She kinda knew all that. Didn’t make it easier to be disbelieved and devalued by your own mom, but… “I don’t hate you, Mom.” Weird to say that out loud. “I just don’t trust you.”

“...all right.” Joyce breathes out. “After everything that’s happened, I just hope — I want things to get better. For all of us.”

“So what’d you fight about?” Chloe asks, leaning back in her chair. This feels crazy. She never thought Joyce would pick her over him.

“I told him what I just told you, that I was upset about how you reacted but it made sense, he twisted it into me blaming him for all your problems, it...got pretty ugly. He went in the garage to cool off, I followed him, and then I found the cameras.”

“The _what?_ ”

Joyce lets out a long sigh. “He had some kind of excuse about watching out for us, but I was done. So he’s staying at a hotel tonight while I figure things out.”

“I…” Chloe sinks down against her chair. It feels like she’s been holding her breath for years, and now he’s just...he’s not going to be here. For a little while, at least. “I guess I just didn’t expect anything to change,” she admits. “You know, for so long, it’s just been like — doesn’t matter what happens to me, or how I feel, no one gives a shit, they just keep doing what they want.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way, that...that neither of us looked out for you like we should have. You know you didn’t make it easy, though.”

Chloe cracks a smirk. “I’m a teenager, mom, I’m supposed to be an asshole.”

“Not for much longer, you ain’t,” Joyce warns, taking a bite of her casserole at last.

Chloe thinks on that for a second. “Yeah, I was actually — I was talking to Kate. About what I’m gonna do, y’know, without Rachel. Like, I don’t know, yet. But I’m gonna see if I can get a job, and stuff. Maybe get my GED. Try and...do something.”

“One of my customers asked about your sleeve a while back,” Joyce notes. “He was wondering if you designed it yourself. I told him I didn’t know. Not like you even told me you were getting it until you were gone for the whole day…”

Chloe clears her throat. “Uh, yeah. I did. I designed Rachel’s, too.”

“The one on her leg? Huh. Anyway, my point is that he’d lost one of his artists and he wanted to see if you wanted to apprentice.” Joyce digs into her pocket. “I said I’d give you his card, next time I saw ya.”

As she lays the card on the table, Chloe recognizes the name of the place. She was actually looking at going there to get her tattoo back in the day, but Rachel knew a guy. She takes it, looking it over. “Man, mom — I just didn’t expect…”

“He likes me,” Joyce says with a smile. “Always tips good. He said he wanted to help me out, so he would ask me first. Plus he doesn’t know where else to start looking.”

“I...I could do this, yeah,” Chloe murmurs. “Thanks, mom.”

“Of course. Look, Chloe, I know things have been bad for a while. For you, I mean. I’m not...I’m not blind. I don’t want to lose you now, and Rachel—” Joyce puts a hand over her mouth and chokes. “What happened to her showed me I really could.”

Chloe swallows, rubbing the scars on her wrist. Joyce doesn’t really know how close she came, how many times. She wonders if she’ll ever tell her. Not right now. Someday, if there’s a someday to be had.

“I’ll give him a call,” she says quietly, not sure what else to do. She stands up from the table, and Joyce stands too, putting down her fork. Before Chloe really knows what’s happening, she’s wrapped in a hug.

“I’m glad you got home safe,” she murmurs with a sniff. “I was so worried when you didn’t text me…”

“Shit,” Chloe says with a weak laugh, hesitantly returning the hug. “My bad. Totally spaced.”

Joyce chuckles. “I knew Kate was with you.” She draws back, hands still on Chloe’s shoulders. “I’m glad you two have each other. Don’t know _how_ you got together, but seems like you’re working out okay.”

Chloe coughs awkwardly at the whole ‘got together’ bit, and Joyce gives her a suspicious smile. ”Have her around for dinner sometime,” Joyce suggests. “She’s not bad in the kitchen.”

“All right, Mom.” Chloe turns around, running a hand through her hair.

“Tell me how it goes!” Joyce calls after her.

As Chloe flops down onto her bed, holding the business card up to the light, she thinks. She really should just fucking come out to Joyce sometime soon. It feels like she knows, but it’s not out in the open, and they can’t just honestly talk about it, and that’s too familiar and it always hurts and she’s done with it.

Then she thinks of when she’s going to have to tell Kate. She will. Soon. She can’t keep letting Kate do this to her, what she did last night, just coming to bed with her like it meant nothing. She’s so sick of feeling like a liar every time they touch.

God, that sounds a lot harder than calling the tattoo guy.

So she dials the number on the card, and gets started stitching a future together.


	10. Proverbs 28:13

Kate isn’t thinking about it.

She’s not thinking about it at all, not for the whole three weeks before Thanksgiving break. Not as she makes a habit of sleeping over at Chloe’s house for movie nights on the weekends. Not when she sketches Chloe one night after she falls asleep, just to study the human form, she tells herself. Not when she draws closer to Chloe, constantly when they’re hanging out, head on her shoulder or cuddled up against her in her bed. Chloe’s never the one doing it, but Kate doesn’t think about that either, because Chloe always accepts it as normal, so it must be normal, right?

She’s not thinking about it.

She celebrates Chloe’s new job with her, and enjoys Chloe’s first paycheck just as much as Chloe herself does, as it seems to prompt Chloe to treat Kate to endless tea shop visits and lunchtime treats. She doesn’t think about how Chloe’s new job means they can’t hang out as often as they could before, and how that hurts. Other than, of course, it meaning that she doesn’t have her only friend around as often, and has to deal with the silence in the halls.

Dana still hasn’t spoken to her. Alyssa and Stella avoid her eyes. It’s hard to see why she stays here, when she just quietly goes to her classes, does her homework, never saying a word to anyone. Sometimes it feels hard to remember how to talk if Chloe hasn’t been available for a few days. The Abstinence Club was stillborn already, but Kate stopped even trying after the mess with Nathan.

So what does she stay here for?

That’s what she asks herself, the night before she’s supposed to visit home again. She sits awake at eleven-thirty, everything packed up behind her, wondering. Why does she still bristle at the idea of going home and pretending all this never happened? Why does it make her stomach drop?

It feels like giving up. She knows it wouldn’t be, necessarily. But it feels that way. Letting him win. And then there’s Chloe, and not wanting to leave her, and why that is, which she can’t think about, and then there’s her mother, and imagining the pitiful looks she’ll get from her own _family,_ knowing she’ll overhear them talking about her in that thin-walled house, knowing how they’ll all think she’s ruined for life and tainted by this school and the bastards who already took so much from her, and she can’t breathe.

Her throat feels like it’s closing up on its own, air refusing to come in except in bursts. Her hands shake on her desk and she closes her eyes tight, wanting it to go away, wanting to be out of here but not back home, to be _away_ , to be safe, somewhere no one can see her or talk about her or think about her at all, where no one can judge her.

She knows who can bring her there, and even, God, even if that has its own problems, she wants it so badly she could scream.

She calls Chloe after wiping her eyes. She’s not surprised when Chloe picks up. Her bad sleep schedule has progressed to the realm of running joke between the two of them.

It feels good to hear her voice.

“Hey, Kater Tot. What’s up?” Kate smiles at the nickname. Chloe’s been playing around with Kate’s name, and somehow it feels friendly instead of mocking, affectionate. It feels like when her father calls her Katie instead of Kate, something shared between them. She’s breathing better already.

“Do you want to hang out?” Very normal, Kate. Super normal to just ask this in the middle of the night.

“Uh, yeah. Somewhere you wanna be?”

But Chloe gets it. Kate knows she doesn’t have to tell her why. She doesn’t have to explain her panic attacks to Chloe, just like Chloe never needs to explain why Kate should come over and watch movies until they pass out together. Kate closes her eyes, thinking.

“Just...out.”

“Got an idea. Hang tight, I’ll text you when I’m there. Send me a picture of Alice to tide me over.”

Kate sighs, feeling a weight lift off her. “Will do. Thanks, Chloe.”

“Hey, man, anytime. See you soon.”

Kate hangs up and flips on the light, taking a quick picture of her sleeping rabbit and sending it off to Chloe with a caption of “Too bad she’s missing out!” before quickly changing back into something that’s moderately publicly acceptable. She’s taken to wearing an old hoodie more often than her nicer cardigans, a purchase at a thrift store when Chloe was feeling adventurous. It makes her feel safer, to be shapeless. She still doesn’t go out into the night until Chloe’s texted her, until she can meet her at the door and walk safely with her under the lampposts.

“So, I figure...ice cream and isolation,” Chloe says as they climb into the truck. “I packed some pillows and stuff in the back, and there’s this clearing out in the woods where you can see the stars super well, but first we’re hitting up McDonald’s. Sound good?”

“Yeah. Sounds really good,” Kate says, leaning her head against the window. Chloe always knows a way to deal. She’s been doing it a long time.

How would Kate manage without her?

They cruise in comfortable silence through the drivethrough and then out into the backroads, one of Kate’s CDs in the stereo this time, soft folk music from more innocent times. Kate remembers Chloe delivering her a stack of them one day, just a gift out of the blue, and then sitting in her room playing with Alice while Kate burned disc after disc. Chloe’s binder is nearly full now, between Kate, Chloe and Rachel. Strange to think that Kate’s music might remain in Chloe’s life, even if Kate herself leaves. It seems so sad to leave her with just that.

As they leave the streetlights behind and get on rougher roads, Kate stares up out of the window at the moon, nearly full. The stars _are_ clear out here, more than back home. She’d miss them.

Chloe parks them at the end of a dead-end road, some hiking trail leading off into the distance. She and Kate climb into the back, huddled under blankets and staring up into the black, silent for a long while with only each other’s body heat and breath as company. Kate reaches for Chloe’s hand under the blanket, and is accepted without words, and she’s so grateful.

“What are you thinking about?” Chloe asks quietly.

Kate has to lick her lips before speaking. “Going home.”

“Figured.” A pause. “Think you’ll be okay?”

“I don’t know.” Kate squeezes Chloe’s hand. Her heart beats too fast. “I’ll—I’ll miss you.”

“Pssht. Come on, it’s only a couple days.”

“Mom wants me to reconsider staying here.”

Kate can _feel_ Chloe restraining herself from saying something like “Well, fuck her.” She smiles, a bit, because it’s nice to have that kind of unambiguous support even if Chloe knows it’s best not to actually say it.  Chloe instead goes with, “Not her choice, right?”

“It might be. I feel like if I don’t pretend everything’s all right, that I haven’t changed at all, then they’ll just decide for me.” Kate takes in a deep breath. “I just...even though nobody at school talks to me, I feel kinda free because of that, you know? I’m just, just doing my own thing, and no one’s bothering me, no one’s watching me or telling me what to do. I don’t want to go back to feeling judged all the time.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Chloe swallows. “Mom’s thinking about having step-shit over for Thanksgiving and it’s kinda freaking me out. I got used to just us being in the house. God, it’s so much easier.”

Kate turns on her side, looking at Chloe’s face as she does the same. The moon is so bright she can see the worry lines in Chloe’s brow. She repeats Chloe’s question, “Are you going to be all right?”

“I’ll survive, you know? If he actually has changed, then…” Chloe closes her eyes, like Kate is too bright to look at.  “Then fine. Whatever.”

“Call me if you need to talk, okay?” Kate knows that she’d want that for herself in Chloe’s shoes. She brings a hand to Chloe’s waist, tracing up her side. Chloe’s breath hitches as Kate brings her into a hug.

“I will,” Chloe says into Kate’s shoulder, her voice hoarse. Kate lets the hug linger despite the crawling insects in her brain, Chloe’s warmth too comforting to let the other worries in. It’s when they separate, just a hair, that her chest locks up tight. Their faces are so close, Chloe’s lips look so soft, it would be so easy to just kiss her. Kate’s body aches for it, to connect them like that, and she’s frozen stiff thinking about it, because she _is_ thinking about it and she shouldn’t be. Chloe doesn’t move either, their eyes locked. Kate sees the night sky reflected in Chloe’s pupils.

Kate pulls back, turning over, staring at the stars again and wanting them to be less blurry. She breathes heavy.

“I...I should go back home,” she says, her stomach dropping. “I need to sleep at least some.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Chloe stands up and hops out of the truckbed. Kate hesitantly follows. As she jumps down, she finds Chloe waiting for her there. Kate rushes around to her side of the truck quickly, avoiding looking at Chloe, fist clenched on her jeans. Too much, too much, too much, she was too close, she’s always so close and she knows it, she keeps putting herself in this situation and now she can’t ignore it anymore, can’t pretend she doesn’t feel this way. The pressure behind her eyes builds but she can’t break, not here, not in front of Chloe, because Chloe will rush to her side and soothe her and it’ll feel too good and she _can’t._

The drive back feels tense, Kate always staring out the window because she can’t look at Chloe. As soon as Chloe parks, she gets out, hugging herself and wanting to sprint for the dorms. But the dark sidewalks remind her of the night of the party and being alone, Nathan and dropping her phone and being dumped in the dirt the next morning, so she waits for Chloe.

Chloe keeps herself at a distance from Kate as they go, arms tight at her sides. She doesn’t speak until they get to the doors, Kate fishing her keys out of her pocket.

“So, um. Goodnight, Kate.” Chloe shifts from foot to foot. “Good luck tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Thanks for...for tonight, and for everything.” Kate swallows spit. She should hug Chloe goodbye but she can’t. She just turns and opens the door and walks down the hallway without looking back.

She gets into her room and sinks down to the edge of the bed. She can feel it coming and this time there’s no way to stop it, her way out is the cause now. Her chest tightens, her breath comes in spurts, and she buries her head in her hands and sobs.

She’s ruined. This is proof of that, isn’t it? A man took her and turned her into this, twisted her natural desires all up, that’s the only thing that makes sense, she shouldn’t feel this way about another girl, this is the way it happens, it’s what everyone says. She knew, she knew the whole time but she kept lying to herself, planning to lie to her own parents and pretend she survived this whole thing intact when she’s just been broken, and nothing can fix her, not being here with Chloe or at home alone, it doesn’t matter, she’ll never be the same. Defiled. A waste of a woman.

She doesn’t know how long her thoughts spiral, only knows when her throat hurts too much to cry any more and she can’t keep herself upright. She falls into a shaking, fitful sleep, waiting for someone to take her away.

 

* * *

 

Chloe is such a _coward._

Three weeks. Three fucking weeks since she told herself she’d come out to Kate, and yet Tuesday night still happened. Kate must have felt it too, must have rejected it, that’s why she rushed home and froze up and she’s not coming back now, is she? You fucked it up. You always fuck it up.

Chloe’s sitting at her desk, beer in hand, scratching feverishly at her forehead and resisting the urge to bleed. It’s sometime around ten PM. Kate hasn’t contacted her since that night, which is what she should expect but it still feels like the distance between them is so wide it can’t be recovered. It’s just like Max, just as she’d begun to realize how she felt she must have shown it, and off she was never to call or text again. It’s what she deserves at this point, isn’t it? She didn’t tell Kate, didn’t give her the tools to protect herself from the fucking predator that is Chloe Price, she deserves to be alone.

She takes a swig of her beer and stares at her scars. She did that to herself because she deserved to bleed. Why did she ever think otherwise? She could just smash the bottle on the windowsill, use the sharp edge of the glass.

She breathes. David came over tonight. No yelling. Not much talking at all at the table, really, but just seeing his face puts these thoughts in her head, his voice, his words. She fled as soon as dinner was over, texted Mom to say she was sorry but she can’t talk to him, not about anything serious, not yet.

She has a job, dammit, she’s been studying, she’s not as worthless as he always said, but then it comes down to, was he right the whole time? Is she just now worth something because she listened to _him_?

Her phone rings and she puts the bottle down, eyes suddenly refocusing. She looks at the illuminated screen on her desk. Kate.

Jesus fucking Christ. This will be a fun conversation. But she picks up anyway, because what else is there to do?

At first, there’s nothing. Then just, “Hi, Chloe.”

“Hey, Kate.”

Kate pauses on the other end of the line. Her breath sounds shaky. “So, uhm, how was your Thanksgiving?”

She’s gonna act like this is normal. God damn it. Find an opening, Chloe, but not yet. “David came over. It was kinda...awkward. We just acted like nothing happened.” She wants to say that she misses Kate. Because she does. But she can’t. She can’t guilt her into staying.

“I’m sorry.”

“What about yours?”

Kate takes in a sharp breath. “It was, I…” She sniffs. “Even my sisters are looking at me like they feel sorry for me. We didn’t even really talk about anything. Just mom giving thanks that all her daughters were with her and that they’d stay with her.”

Chloe snorts. “Passive-aggressive, much?”

“Yeah. I just...I wanted…” Kate audibly shudders, her breathing haggard. “I wanted to talk to someone who gets it. About anything. I feel so isolated here, I’ve barely talked at all. I know I shouldn’t be calling you.”

Chloe’s heart skips a beat. “W-why not?”

“It’s late, but...I’m sorry.” Kate’s voice breaks. “I’m just, I’m having more trouble than I thought I would here, I can’t stand how they look at me and how they don’t talk to me and we haven’t even really talked about going back yet but I know they’re going to ask tomorrow, I just…I don’t know where I want to be. I don’t know. I wanted to hear that I’m not, not ruined.”

“Of course you’re not, Kate,” Chloe says. God, this is agonizing, Kate needs all the information, where can she even—

“You, you said before, that I get to choose.” Kate swallows. “I get to choose what—what counts. What counted for you? How did you...how did you decide?”

Chloe exhales.

There it is.

“You mean my first kiss?” Her voice is surprisingly steady. She’s expecting to break, but now’s the time.

“Yeah. If you had others, that, that you didn’t like — what was the good one? How did you move on?”

Chloe thinks of how to phrase this. “I had a couple of ones that were...wrong. I kissed them because I thought I was supposed to, or someone dared me, or it was some stupid game. I don’t even remember them, really, I was always messed-up on something.” She takes a deep breath. “My real first kiss was with Rachel.”

Kate’s silent on the other end of the line, but Chloe pushes forward. “We were lying in my truck, just listening to music together with one of those headphone splitters. She turned to face me, and then she just did it. It was like my whole world exploded. Like I was on fire. I knew it then, that it was what I’d always remember as my first real kiss, the one that just...felt good. I always wanted her.” Chloe doesn’t need to tell her that they weren’t sober, that Rachel pretended it didn’t happen for so long, that she was never sure if Rachel loved her back. Those aren’t the parts of the story that matter.

She waits for Kate to respond. When she does, it’s just, “You...you’re…”

“I’m gay, Kate.” _God._ It actually feels good to just fucking get it out, to say it again. Ever since Kate came into her life it started feeling forbidden, where once she’d actually felt proud of it. But something drops in her gut, too. Waiting for it all to crash down.

“...I had a feeling,” Kate says softly. “I was trying to pretend I didn’t.”

Chloe’s fingers tighten around the phone.

“Chloe, I...do you…” Kate stammers on her next words, fragments of syllables trailing off, until she takes a breath and gathers herself. “Do you like me?”

Chloe heartbeat sounds in her ears. A lump forms in her throat. This is it. It’s over. Rip the Band-Aid off. “I’m not going to lie to you, Kate,” she says, voice cracking. “Don’t ask me to.”

Silence on the other end. She can hear Kate breathing. It sounds like one of her attacks, and Chloe should be there with her, be able to help, but it’s all her fault this time. Hot tears sting at her eyes. “I’m sorry, Kate,” she chokes out. “I should’ve told you earlier, I—I’m such an asshole, I—”

And the line goes dead.


	11. Numbers 16:26

Kate returns to Blackwell the next week.

She imagined, when she left, that she’d text Chloe when she was close to her dorm. That they’d go out after moving her in, and keep spending time together, because nothing was spoken yet and it was okay so long as it wasn’t real. Now she’s coming back, her mother beside her in the car as she stares at her phone. No notifications since Thursday. Chloe never even tried to call back.

The memory of Chloe’s faltering voice comes into her head and she shudders, hugging herself and staring at her feet. She’d heard Chloe’s heart breaking and just silenced her. She doesn’t know if she can be forgiven for that, or if she needs to be forgiven for it. Isn’t it what she’s supposed to do? To separate herself from bad influences, to better follow the path of God?

So why does she still feel so _guilty?_

Chloe’s stood by her through everything, through her immature lashing out and her struggle and her pain without ever raising her voice or pulling away, and the second Chloe really becomes vulnerable and lays out who she is and what she’s feeling, Kate just walked away. She cried and she panicked and she wanted to die, but she never called Chloe back, never worked up the courage to actually address this. The feelings she still has, roiling in her stomach at the thought of being back here, of maybe seeing her again. The twisted up sensations that tempt her to sin.

But she came back anyway. Silence and isolation is easier. Not having to see her mother looking at her that way, the way she’s glancing over at her now as she drives, disgust etched into her features, pity, regret. She’s waiting for her mother to say something, something like —

“Are you really sure you want to keep going here?”

Kate bites her lip. She already _said._ There was a big argument and Kate stood her ground as well as she could and she’s so tired of having to explain herself and not just being able to do what she knows is right for her. She wishes she could be like Chloe, just tell her off, just be strong like that. Bad influences. Don’t listen to them.

“I want to finish my year here. I earned my scholarship,” she says quietly.

“God might have another path for you.”

“I want to do this, mom. I’ll be okay.”

“That’s what you said at the beginning of the year.”

Kate sighs. “Mom, can we just drop it? We’re not going to turn around and drive another four hours back right now.”

“Watch your tone, missy. But fine.” Her mother blows air out of her nose as they pull into the Blackwell lot. “We can always revisit this discussion at Christmas.”

Kate’s hands tighten on the purse in her lap. They never just _leave her alone._ All anyone wants to do is judge her and make her be who they want her to be. The only person who let her be was Chloe, and now she...she can’t…

Don’t cry again, Kate. You shouldn’t cry about this. You shouldn’t think that it could be real, that you really could be with her, and you shouldn’t get this thrill in your chest when you do think about it. The dread always comes a half-second later and you can’t do this.

She wipes at her eyes, making sure her mother looks away. They pull into a space and pile out, Kate taking the cart from the back and putting Alice’s cage on it, along with a duffel bag of her clothes. Her mother takes the rest of her supplies in her arms and they make their slow, awkward way across campus, Kate refusing to turn back and look at her or speak to her. It seems pointless, anyway. She’s here now. She’ll make it through this year in silence if she has to.

Once everything’s dropped off in her room, her mother turns to her. “Well, good luck, Kate. Call if you need anything,” she says, hovering in the doorway. Like she’s expecting something.

Kate realizes what she wants and gives her a quick, stiff hug. “I will,” she says. It feels like a lie. Because it is. She can’t rely on her mother for anything anymore. She knows that.

She’s grateful when her mother leaves. She doesn’t close the door, as usual. Kate finds it hard to bring herself to care if people see her alone in here, anyway. No one seems to care much about her at all anymore.

As she unpacks, she comes across her sketchbook. She didn’t end up drawing anything over the break, but she sits down and flips through it anyway. When she reaches the drawing of Chloe, she freezes.

Just that one sketch, though she’d wanted to draw so many. She’d thought about asking Chloe, but somehow it felt like it would give something away. So instead she waited, until she fell asleep, and captured her. Every line she carved with her pencil felt forbidden and secret. The angle of her arm, the length of her bare legs. The curve of her breast. Kate’s transfixed in her own work, the memory it holds, all the memories of being around Chloe that swirl in her head. The scent of her men’s deodorant, the sound of her voice, the way she stretches herself across every surface like a cat. The fact that she’s never going to see her again. Because she shouldn’t.

She should stay away from people like her. That’s what she’s been told and she’s going to stick to it. Even if all she did was hang up like a coward and never even say goodbye, or tell Chloe that she felt the same, because she’s not supposed to feel this way anyway and it’s just a sign that she’s broken and needs to be mended.

Someone knocks on her doorframe and she snaps the sketchbook shut, looking up in alarm. She blinks at the figure leaning in the doorway, her purple-streaked hair catching the light from her window. Alyssa.

“Hey,” she says, in her typical monotone. “So I’m kind of a huge asshole.”

Kate surprises herself by letting out a small laugh. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“We haven’t even talked since Jefferson got his ass shot and that’s on me. You seemed cool with that blue-haired chick, but…” Alyssa sighs, eyes going to somewhere far away for a second. “Look, me and Stella were talking over break and we decided we miss you. You wanna come down to my room for a while and hang out?”

Kate looks around, as if someone’s watching, as if this is some kind of prank. But no one is, and Alyssa’s not really the type, anyway. “Sure,” she says cautiously, and Alyssa visibly relaxes.

“Oh thank _God._ I’m like really not good at this emotional stuff. Let’s just pretend nothing ever changed, all right?”

Kate looks down at her sketchbook. Can she really? Like Chloe never entered her life, like Nathan never took her away? Like Jefferson just left the Bay for some other reason and she’s just here with her little circle of friends now, like before. Like Alyssa and Stella and Dana hadn’t gone silent for two months.

It’s not honest. Chloe couldn’t stand something like that. She doesn’t let things go that easy. Maybe Kate should.

“That sounds nice,” she murmurs quietly. “It’s—it’s been hard.”

“Jesus, I bet. Come watch bad movies with us?”

Kate nods, and goes.

The next week feels surreal. People are talking to her again, inviting her places, asking for help with homework like they did before. The bullying she was so used to _doesn’t_ return, and that’s probably the weirdest part. Victoria and her squad give her a wide berth in the halls, and her slate remains fresh and clean.

But the events of October hang over everything, eternally unspoken. Stella and Alyssa never discuss it at all, and Kate won’t bring it up. Like nothing ever changed, even though everything did. They hang out, eat together, study together, but nothing real is said. No apologies, no comforting words, no tearful confessions of inadequacy and struggle. It’s almost a relief. With Chloe, it felt like a lot of their conversations ended up there, like they couldn’t escape the horror of what had been done to them.

Yet somehow it feels like empty comfort to not talk about it at all. Kate feels herself pretending, whenever she happily accepts an invitation or chats aimlessly about school instead of diving into the thoughts that still plague her at night .The way she keeps looking at that sketch of Chloe. The way she stares at Chloe’s contact card in her phone. Should she just delete it? Go all the way, pretend it never happened? Tear the sketch out of her book, crumple it up, throw it away?

Isn’t this supposed to be the right thing to do? Why doesn’t it feel that way, at all?

When Saturday comes around, Kate stays in bed longer than she should. She doesn’t feel there’s much to get up for. Saturdays tended to be when she took all her homework over to Chloe’s place and just spent time with her in that big empty house while Joyce was away.

When her phone buzzes, her heart jumps in her chest. Her first thought is _Chloe,_ and she curses herself for it as soon as she actually takes her phone off the nightstand. Dana’s name is what flashes on the screen, and Kate remembers seeing Dana’s door open, her and Trevor watching that video on her laptop together. She ran when she realized what they were doing, and it feels like she just kept running away, with Chloe by her side.

She unlocks her phone with shaking fingers. Dana hasn’t spoken to her since she brought her inside after she was dumped in the bushes. The text message itself doesn’t do much to calm her.

_I’m really sorry about all those texts last night. You can ignore me forever now._

Kate raises her eyebrows, then remembers that her phone was on do-not-disturb all night. She scrolls up in the message history to see a thread starting at 2 AM. _Jeez, Dana,_ she thinks before gathering the courage to start reading.

_kate i know that you dont care and you probably hate me and y shoudl_

_im such an asshole i left you there alone its my fault i keep thinking its my fault and it is because i wasnt there to watch out for you_

_im sorry im so sory ive been such a bitch i havent even talked to you or apologized to you after all that im an idiot i cant stop thimking about it every time i see you_

_i thought you wouldnt come back after break and now your here and i just want to talk to you again_

_im sorry_

_please say something_

_youre probably asleep im sorry im drunk and youre all i ca think about_

Kate feels sweat beading on her neck as she reads. _You’re all I can think about._ It’s like Dana’s channeling Kate’s thoughts of Chloe, late at night.

And maybe Kate does want to talk. About something serious. Maybe she still needs it, she just needs to not be around Chloe because Chloe makes her feel things that she shouldn’t and surely Dana won’t do that. If she just told someone, someone who won’t spread rumors, someone who’s not her parents, maybe she’ll feel better the way she used to when she told Chloe about things and could be comforted.

She takes a deep breath and decides she’ll address this after breakfast and a shower. Once she’s returned to her dorm, fed Alice, and fretted over her phone for another ten minutes, she texts Dana back.

_We can talk now, if you want to. I’m in my room._

Kate bites her lip, kneading her knuckles on her skirt. Well, now she can’t do anything until she gets a response. She can feel the anxiety welling in her gut. But she wants to do this. Talk to someone again. She wants to be honest and stop feeling like such a liar.

Thankfully, the knock on her door comes sooner rather than later. “It’s open,” she calls, and then Dana steps in, closing the door behind her and leaning against it.

“H-hey, Kate.” Dana swallows nervously. “I, um, I take it you saw my stupid drunken breakdown from last night…”

“I did.” Kate avoids looking her in the eye, instead staring into her lap. “It seems like break made everyone remember that I’m still here.”

Dana winces. “I know, I—I’m really sorry. It seemed like the only person you really wanted to talk to was Chloe, anyway.”

Kate bites her lip at Chloe’s name. Dana must notice, because she continues with, “I haven’t seen her around here since you got back, and that—that was making me more worried. Did something happen? She was here practically every day with you.”

Kate gulps. This is faster than she thought. “We, um…” Think of an excuse, Kate, say something, apparently everyone else saw you too, and you can’t just—

But what if she can? What if she could just tell someone everything, someone who obviously does care about her after all?

“You don’t have to tell me,” Dana says quickly. “Listen, I think what I was trying to say last night is that I want to apologize. For not being there for you. It feels like it’s all my fault, what happened to you, I mean. I just bailed on you when I knew it was a new scene for you, and…” She looks away. “I don’t really have a great excuse.”

“What do you mean?” Kate asks.

Dana purses her lips, her eyes darting nervously around the room. “Can I tell you something, Kate? About why I missed that party? I haven’t really told anyone yet, and…”

Kate’s eyes widen. Maybe it’s not kind to admit this, but if there’s a deeper reason for her being alone at that party than just her getting a random sickness, it would be nice to know it. To know she’s not just terminally stupid or unlucky.

“If you’re sure,” she says cautiously. God, they haven’t talked in two months and weren’t exactly close before. Does Dana really care this much about her? It seems so contradictory to how the world was treating her before.

Dana sighs in relief and detaches herself from the door, coming over to sit next to Kate. She runs a hand through her hair. “Okay.” She sniffs. “Um, so...so the reason I didn’t come that night is because I had an abortion.”

Kate’s heart skips. “You — I mean — what?” she stammers, panic starting to form in her chest. Are these just the kind of people she attracts? What on earth—

“Logan and I hooked up a while ago, and we weren’t careful enough, and I missed my period. He didn’t want to help, so I...I took care of it myself. I guess I didn’t realize how hard the pill would hit me. I was really sick for a couple days after.” She slumps forward. “No one knows. Not even Juliet. It’s…it’s not something I’m proud of.” She chokes on her next words and has to start over. “It didn’t feel good. Any of it. And when Chloe called me that night it felt like you were being punished because of what I fucked up.”

Kate’s head spins. “I—I don’t know what to say,” she admits. “You just — you took a pill, and—and—”

“It’s like...making yourself have a miscarriage,” Dana explains hesitantly. “I didn’t think it’d be so bad. I wanted to just pretend nothing had happened.”

Kate should be angry. Kate should be condemning Dana for what she did, another sin, a _horrible_ sin according to everything she knows. But seeing Dana here, now, she knows it’s not so simple. It never is. God wouldn’t punish them both like this. The only person to blame here is Nathan, like Chloe would say.

“It’s not your fault,” she says softly. “He was after me. They said something about having folders in the Dark Room — I think some of them were empty, so I was already a, a target. I don’t even know if you could’ve helped me or if he’d get me some other way.” She swallows. “I don’t blame you, Dana. I never did, okay? I blamed myself, but—but it’s not my fault either.”

“Okay.” Dana leans into Kate’s shoulder, and the gesture is so familiar that Kate jumps. “Oh, sorry,” Dana murmurs sheepishly, scooting away on the bed. “I still...I wish I hadn’t been such an idiot in the first place. That I hadn’t had to — to make that choice, and that I still haven’t even told my best friend about it. She’d just let everyone know and I just feel so…” She sighs. “Ashamed, I guess. I mean, I’m all for it for other people, but the second _I_ do it I feel like this dumb slut.” She grinds her palm into her face. “God, I’m sorry, this was supposed to be about you.”

“It’s all right.” Kate looks at her feet, idly kicking, her mind storming.

“Thanks, you know. For listening anyway. I was afraid you’d hate me,” Dana murmurs. “I hope we can be friends again."

“Me too,” Kate murmurs, still thinking. Dana just...opened up about this. This thing she’d been keeping a secret, that she’d been ashamed of.

They spend a few moments in silence, neither looking at the other. Kate’s thoughts turn in circles until she just stops them.

“Chloe’s gay,” she blurts out.

Dana turns to her and raises her eyebrows. “Oh, yeah. I knew that.”

Kate blinks. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. Once I figured out it was Chloe Price that called me, like, I remembered her. She used to go here. Everyone kinda...knew.” Dana rubs the back of her neck. “Is...is that a problem, for you?”

The way Dana says that puts pause in Kate. Is it? Should it be? She feels so hollow ever since cutting Chloe off, like her gut’s telling her it was wrong. But she’s not supposed to hang around people like that! Or people like Dana! God, it would be easier if they’d all just stayed away, it wouldn’t seem so complicated.

“I don’t know,” Kate answers quietly. “I’m—I can’t—She likes me.” Her breath wavers, her eyes threaten to spill. Kate closes them tight. It’s harder to say out loud than she thought it would be.

Comprehension dawns on Dana’s face. “Oooh,” she breathes. “I, uh. Huh.” She pauses for a moment, knee jiggling up and down. “Do you...like her back?”

“I _can’t,_ ” Kate says harshly. “I—I can’t.”

“Oh,” Dana says softly, and Kate knows she screwed up, somehow. Dana _knows._ Will she tell someone? Will this get out, and it’ll all start again, and this time it will be her fault because she’s not strong enough to stop herself from feeling this way?

“So, does that mean — she told you, and you two aren’t talking anymore?” Dana continues.

“I hung up on her,” Kate replies miserably. “I haven’t talked to her since break. I...I don’t know what to do, I thought that’s what I should do but I just feel so awful about it, I…” Kate sniffs. “I miss her.”

Dana hesitates before she speaks again. “You can still be her friend, right?”

“I don’t know,” Kate mumbles. “I don’t feel like I should be. For...for a lot of reasons.”

“Listen, you can — you can still be friends with someone even if you don’t feel that way about them. Me and Justin still hang out even though I _know_ he and Trevor used to fight over me.” Dana gulps. “And you can still be friends even if...if you don’t approve of her lifestyle. It’s not like she can spread it to you.”

But it feels like Chloe _did,_ somehow. Kate won’t tell her that. She can’t tell anyone that. “Listen, Kate…” Dana shifts closer again. “I kinda had a little crush on Chloe back in the day, when she and Rachel used to hang out with us…”

Kate blinks, stunned out of the downward path she’s been treading for a moment. “You mean you’re—”

“I’m bi. I don’t make a secret of it or anything, just…” Dana laughs a little. “Girls can be kinda scary. But, you know, I don’t think it should have to come between us. Do you?”

It’s a leading question. Kate should resent it. But she doesn’t want to lose Dana either, not again, and she’s just a girl like her. Everyone struggles. Jesus didn’t keep sinless company either.

“No,” she murmurs. “Maybe it shouldn’t.”

And right after saying those words, Kate knows what she has to do. And despite everything, it feels good to have some kind of permission to do it.

 

* * *

 

Chloe wakes up to the noon sun streaming through the flag covering her window. Her first conscious breath feels like she’s pulling it in through a cheese grater instead of actual functional lungs. She rolls over and stares at the empty pack of cigarettes on her nightstand with undisguised contempt. Honestly, Chloe. What a shitty habit to have. She’s got a lot of those.

She leans her upper half over the side of her bed, checking the floor for the bottle she’d been nursing last night. She gropes around and finds it under a t-shirt, lifting it into the light and swishing the contents. There’s maybe a shot of vodka left in it. Hair of the dog. She uncaps the bottle and downs what’s left, grimacing at the burn.

She drops the bottle back onto the floor and lies back on her bed, putting a hand to her forehead. It throbs in a familiar way. It’s like losing Rachel all over again, the urge to just destroy her consciousness so she can get to sleep at night. She’s trying to be kind of responsible with it. It’s her day off today, after all. Her ways of sleeping on other nights are cold and sharp.

Joyce knocks on her door. “Chloe? You up yet?”

Chloe exhales. Must be her day off too. She hasn’t been keeping track of Mom’s schedule lately; it’s hard enough to remember her own. “Kinda,” she calls back.

“Well, I made us lunch. Made us breakfast too, but you were dead in there. Come down when you’re ready.”

“Mm. Kay.” She could use food. Greasy food. She hopes Joyce made a nice hangover cure. Something with bacon. Fried, at least.

She gets up with some reluctance, putting on sweatpants that she’d taken off last night as the alcohol warmed her body. She looks down at her wrists and clenches her teeth. Should probably cover those up, but her jacket isn’t really appropriate for her plans today, which is mainly hanging around the house and not seeing the sun if at all possible. She digs out an old hoodie from her closet and stretches the sleeves over her palms, slipping her thumbs through gaps in the cuffs. Rachel was never a huge fan of this look, but she’s dead, so who cares?

She heads downstairs and sits at the table before a plate full of _(thank God)_ homemade fried chicken. After her first bite off a drumstick, she sighs in relief. And no David here to try to talk to her about discipline or having decent conversation at the table or hey-why-don’t-I-show-you-what-you-already-know-so-you-can-be-useful bullshit. Joyce is mercifully quiet as they eat, although Chloe catches her giving her a concerned look every once in a while when she looks up. But she’s not prodding, and Chloe finds herself grateful for that.

“Help me with the dishes?” Joyce suggests as they finish off their plates. Chloe nods without thinking, scraping her bones into the trash and heading into the kitchen. As soon as she steps in front of the sink and Joyce hands her the first dish, she freezes. Shit. She should roll her sleeves up.

She does it as quickly as she can and buries her wrists under the running water. Joyce dries, humming to herself as Chloe hands her things, until the kitchen is finally free and Chloe turns off the tap. The angry red lines on her wrist confront her, and she quickly tries to tug her sleeve down but Joyce’s hand is already on her forearm.

They stay there frozen for a moment, Joyce biting her lip. She rubs her thumb over the cut and Chloe winces in pain.

“Chloe…” Joyce swallows hard.

“I’m fine, mom,” Chloe mutters, tugging her hand out of Joyce’s grip.

“Chloe, please,” Joyce says, grabbing her shoulder before she can run out. “Please don’t just shut me out again. I thought things were getting better, is—is it my fault?”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Chloe wrenches herself out of Joyce’s grip, but she stands her ground.

“Ever since I brought David over for Thanksgiving you’ve been so distant.” Joyce looks away. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to try and make things right.”

Oh. Well, fuck. Chloe sighs, pinching her brow. “It’s not — it’s not your fault, mom. Like, yeah, I don’t like that prick, I feel like total shit around him, I’d rather you not bring him around anymore like ever again, but...but I can deal with that.”

“It...I was really happy, Chloe. It seemed like you were getting on your feet. Is there anything I can do?”

Chloe pauses. Before, she’d tell Joyce to fuck off, but before, Joyce never actually said anything like that. It was always demands of some kind, telling her to shape up, or just admitting she’d given up in some way, like when she stopped going to school. And then Chloe remembers that she wanted to just get things out in the open, stop hiding them, before all this mess came down, and she chokes remembering why she can’t seem to hold herself upright anymore.

“Chloe?” Joyce asks tentatively.

Chloe steps forward and puts her face in Joyce’s shoulder. Her body’s shaking, her lungs spasming, she can’t keep it in anymore, it happened _again_ , and it’s always her fault, there’s always something wrong with her.

Joyce puts her arms around Chloe, and they share their first real hug in a long time. Chloe wants to say something, anything, tell her what’s going on because no one knows but her, no one cares, she ruins everything good in her life and no one even notices. The only person who really cares how she’s doing, who really sees her, is _Joyce._ The same woman who let David into her life, let him hit her and abuse her and make her feel like nothing, who acted like she was a burden for so long. How can she say anything to her? How can this be her last option for some fucking human connection?

But it has to come out. She knows it does. She swallows the lump in her throat and tries to think of what to say.

“Kate…” is the first word she manages to get out. She tries again after sniffing, trying to loosen the muscles in her throat. “Kate, she’s, she’s not talking to me anymore.”

“Oh, honey.” Joyce squeezes her tight. “What happened?”

Chloe remembers that conversation, the way the line just went dead, and sobs into Joyce’s shoulder. “I told her I’m gay.”

She feels Joyce stiffen and bites her lips. “You...you knew, right?” Chloe asks, drawing away for a moment and wiping at her eyes.

“I...didn’t want to say anything until you were ready to tell me,” Joyce admits. “But I saw the way you and Rachel were. I knew, Chloe. I never thought any less of you for it. I wish…” She looks away. “I wish you’d told me before.”

Something flares in Chloe. “Well maybe if I’d been able to _trust_ you—”

“I know, Chloe, I know,” Joyce says, holding up her hands. “But...can you trust me now?”

Chloe groans. “I know you’re trying, mom. Harder than before.”

Joyce looks pained, but she nods.

“It’s just...this is really hard.” Chloe tries to stop another sob from coming up and interrupting her. “S-she asked if I liked her. I told her I did, and she just...hung up on me.” This one can’t be stopped, and Chloe covers her mouth. “She hasn’t talked to me at all since Thanksgiving, and, and it’s because something’s wrong with me, it’s just like Max, everyone always leaves and it’s always my fault—”

Joyce quickly surges forward and wraps her up in a hug again. “Chloe…” she murmurs, her voice strained.

“I feel so _gross,_ like I shouldn’t have liked her, like — like I’m just disgusting and broken and that’s why, that’s why no one ever stays.”

Chloe just cries into Joyce’s body, unable to think anything but how much this all hurts. Joyce lets her, and after a time she starts to feel Joyce’s arms around her properly, and she’s grateful for that, grateful someone is actually here for her despite how it feels.

“I...I knew that too. That you liked her, I mean.” Joyce’s words are uncertain but they still sting at Chloe. Was she that obvious? “The way she looked at you, though...I guess I just thought…”

“She can’t,” Chloe mutters. “Her parents are these super-Christian freakazoids, and — and she just, she obviously thinks I’m…”

“I can’t believe she’d dump you, just like that.” Joyce’s fingers tighten on Chloe’s back. “Not a very Christian thing to do, in my humble opinion.”

Chloe can’t help but laugh a little. “Well, mom, sorry, but people kind of suck, actually.”

“She seemed like such a nice girl,” Joyce sighs. “Maybe she’s just shocked. She might change her mind.”

Chloe pulls back, shaking her head. “I know what being abandoned feels like by now,” she murmurs. “She’s not gonna just—I know what I am to her now. I just don’t know what to do. She was like my lifeline, you know?”

“I know. But...you can talk to me. You really can. I want us to be a team.” Joyce puts a hand on her shoulder. “Like we should’ve been when your father passed. If it’s just gonna be us girls in the house, we oughta be able to rely on each other.”

Chloe sniffs. She didn’t realize how badly she wanted to hear those words and be able to believe them. “I...yeah. Thanks, mom.”

“Anytime. Just…” Joyce hand glides down to Chloe’s wrist. “Please, don’t hurt yourself anymore, okay? For me? It...scares me. A lot.”

Chloe’s throat is too tight, but she nods. “I’ll try.” She sniffs and wipes her eyes again. She’s going to rub her face raw at this rate. “I...I need to go shower and stuff, okay?”

“Of course. I need to go out for groceries, anyway. Have all the time you need.”

“Oh, yeah, shit. Um, I get paid tomorrow, so I can give you some cash. If you need it,” Chloe says cautiously. Joyce hasn’t brought up rent, but Chloe knows that David’s income definitely helped keep them afloat, or at least eating less ramen when he first moved in.

“I won’t say no to free money,” Joyce says, cracking a smirk. “It’ll help, Chloe. Thanks.”

“Yeah. Anytime.” Especially now that Frank is apparently just gone from town after the whole investigation, not a lot of reason to be hoarding cash. And it feels right. To be a team, like Mom said.

She heads upstairs to the bathroom. As she takes off her hoodie, she looks at her wrist, the sink where she’d washed the blood away two nights ago. So many memories of red swirling the drain. She can’t promise it won’t happen again.

But she’ll try.


	12. Ephesians 4:32

****Kate clutches her purse to her chest as she stands outside the Two Whales. She feels the Bible within pressing against her sternum. Her legs tremble beneath her as she stares at the door. Stupid plan. Stupid, stupid plan. But it’s the only one that makes sense, right now. She couldn’t imagine picking up the phone again, contacting Chloe that way, so impersonal, so...distant. Distance is killing her. Dana’s a good sounding board, helped her come up with this idea, but it’s not the same as her quiet times with Chloe. She aches to get them back.

With that in mind, she takes a deep breath, slings her purse back over her shoulder, smooths out her skirt, and hops up the steps. Fear pounds in her chest, but this is what she’s going to do. Take the corner booth. Wait for Chloe to come in for a free lunch. One of these days, she has to show up. Hope that Joyce doesn’t know anything.

She doesn’t get Joyce as her waitress, it's some teenager she doesn’t know, and she breathes a sigh of relief at that. She orders a mug of tea _(“What kinds of tea do you have?” “Tea.”)_ and waits, staring out the window to the parking lot. She came after church, like she promised Dana she would. Not too far of a walk, and it was nice to be out in the light, glittery snowfall. The cold kept her mind off the worry inside her.

She wants to take out her phone, get out of her own head, but the last thing she needs is for Chloe to see her _first._ God, she hopes Chloe comes in today. Doing this again and again would be terrible, and yet it’s what makes the most sense to her. She takes a sip of her tea and waits.

With each _ding_ of the bell, her head snaps over to the entrance. When blue hair actually does make an appearance under a snow-crusted hoodie, she freezes up. Joyce steps in front of her daughter briefly — are they having lunch together? That’s not usually their style — and turns her head to look around. Their eyes meet, and Kate can’t even blink. She really _didn’t_ want Joyce to be here too, if she’s honest. Not in this way. This is between her and Chloe, no one else.

Chloe peers over her mother’s shoulder, spots Kate, and her eyes narrow. She shoves past Joyce, shoulders raised, hands in fists, teeth clenched as she marches across the diner to Kate’s table. “What the _fuck_ are you doing here?” she spits, slamming her hands down on Kate’s table.

Kate’s heart leaps in her chest, air difficult to come by. “I t-thought — I wanted—”

“Thought you could just waltz back into my life after the shit you pulled?” Chloe seethes.

“Chloe, I’m sorry, I was just — I was confused and scared and—”

“Yeah, because it’s fucking all about _you_ , isn’t it? I’m just the dumbass dyke who’ll come crawling back once you sort out your own shit every time, right?”

Joyce has made her way over to the table by now, gently laying her hand on Chloe’s shoulder. “Chloe, honey, you’re making a—”

“Fuck _off,_ Mom!” Chloe shouts, throwing her off. Kate shrinks in her seat, eyes stinging. She’s never seen Chloe like this, and the moment those ice-blue eyes meet her own again she wants to sob. She _hates_ Kate. “Bet you thought I’d just be happy to get your fucking time-of-day, huh?” she asks, her nails scraping on the table. “Sad little punk girl who’ll just take any fucking attention. You can treat her like shit and she’ll always come back because nobody else even gives the half a shit you give about her! Just a mobile fucking ego boost for her majesty Kate Marsh, isn’t that right?”

Joyce is trying to tell Chloe to calm down, but her eyes are laser-focused on Kate, bearing down on her, demanding answers. Kate can’t speak, her throat’s locked up tight, all she can manage is, “It’s—it’s not like that—”

“ _Fuck you,_ Kate.”

Those words hang in the silence. The whole diner is tense, pretending not to stare at the fight, jukebox stuck between plays. Kate feels their eyes on her and panic flares in her chest. She can’t breathe. She needs to run.

She scrambles out of the booth, clutching her purse to her chest again, staring down at her feet as she rushes out of the diner. “Yeah, get the fuck out!” Chloe calls after her, as hot tears start to run down Kate’s cheeks. The bell chimes behind her as she runs out, circling around behind the diner into the parking lot, hiding herself in the fenced area around the dumpster. She hugs herself in the cold, sniffling pathetically, but she can’t go in there, and she can’t go anywhere people might see her, she’s such a mess.

She never thought she’d hear Chloe’s rage directed at her. But she’s right, isn’t she? She didn’t even think about how hurt and alone Chloe would feel, too wrapped up in her own little moral crisis to consider someone else’s feelings. She didn’t even text her, tell her she needed time, nothing. Chloe didn’t _deserve_ that, and who was she to think she’d just be forgiven right away? Doesn’t one have to confess her sins and repent them, to be forgiven?

Tears fall onto her jacket, her nose red and running. So stupid. To ever think she knows what’s best, for her, for God, for Chloe. The girl she relied on for two months, after the worst experience of her life, the only person who really got it, who sparked this deep affection in Kate’s chest, is now just...gone from her life, and it’s all Kate’s fault.

She hears someone running across the snow, then the distinct thrum of Chloe’s truck starting up, peeling out of the lot. She shivers, fingers turning scarlet on her sides. She doesn’t want to see Chloe again, to remember the hatred in her eyes. Not right now. She wishes things could be different.

“Kate?” someone calls into the wind. “Sweetie, are you out here?”

Kate shudders. She knows that voice. The last thing she needs right now is pity from Chloe’s mother. She peeks around the corner of the fence, and Joyce spots her immediately. Damn.

She rushes over and wraps Kate in a hug before she even knows what’s happening. “I’m so sorry about that,” Joyce says, pulling back and looking over Kate’s face carefully. “Are you doing okay?”

The lump in Kate’s throat hurts to speak past. “I’m—I’m fine, Mrs. Madsen.”

Joyce snorts. “Like hell you are. Honey, I’m Chloe’s mother. You think I haven’t heard that lie before?”

Despite the chill, Kate chuckles, which turns into a sob halfway through. She covers her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles.

“Now, now.” Joyce sighs, patting Kate’s shoulder. “Come on, Kate. Let’s get you inside and we’ll get you a hot lunch. My treat.”

Kate nods, because what else is there to do? She follows meekly after Joyce, heading back into the diner, staring at her feet again so she can’t see the patrons staring. They head into the corner booth and Kate quietly gives Joyce her order. Joyce takes it upon herself to order Kate a hot chocolate, too, which Kate is silently thankful for. It gives her something to sip while she avoids Joyce’s eyes, waiting in silence for her to speak.

“It’s not all your fault, you know,” Joyce says once their food has arrived. “She told me what happened.”

“I screwed up,” Kate mutters, picking at her fries. “I know I did.”

“No doubting that. But Chloe...I forget what her counselor used to call it, but when someone she really likes hurts her, she has to act like they’re the worst person on Earth. So that someone good hasn't been terrible to her, so she doesn't...deserve it. She feels like she’s been betrayed and abandoned a lot, and she...she doesn’t want to get hurt again.” Joyce carefully saws off a piece of her chicken-fried steak, looking thoughtful. “I know she still wants you around. She just...doesn’t know how to make that work with how bad she’s hurting right now.” Joyce chews, swallows, and looks out the window, chin in her hand. “I always used to think she was just being difficult. I’d just yell at her and it made everything worse. We’re trying to work more with each other these days.”

“I want her around too,” Kate admits softly. “I miss her.”

“I know you do.” Joyce drums her fingers on her cheek. “I think you can still work it out. I used to think her and I were permanently sour too, but...we ain’t. So you got a shot. You have better excuses than I did.”

“What should I do?” Kate knows this is sad, begging Chloe’s mom for help, but she can’t stand to leave it with _Fuck you, Kate_ ringing in her ears for the rest of her life.

“Give her some time. And put the ball in her court. Don’t just ring her up and expect her to answer you nicely. She’ll want...something to show you’re thinking about her, not just you.” Joyce returns to her food, taking the time to chew as more time to think. Kate remembers that she should eat too, and these fries _are_ quite good. She’s not sure she’s ready for the monstrous burger on her plate just yet, though.

“Try shooting her a text. Let her call you, tell her she can,” Joyce tells her after another pause. “I want you two to be all right. She was so...she wasn’t _happy,_ necessarily, but she was doing so well. I loved seeing her start to move on after all that awfulness. And you deserve a friend too.”

“I just wish I wasn’t such a baby,” Kate mumbles. “I—I knew she was gay, I knew it, I just never said it to myself, and then I just couldn’t handle it when it was real. It…” She sniffs. “I wish it wasn’t so scary for me to think about. I’ve never met anyone who’s...not straight before.”

“Not that you knew of,” Joyce retorts with a smirk. “It’ll get less scary,” she promises, reaching over and patting Kate’s hand. “New things are usually scary, but you get used to them. There’s nothing wrong with who Chloe loves.”

Joyce sounds so certain. Kate knows she’s supposed to argue, but she can’t, not with that tone, and she doesn’t really want to say that Chloe’s going to Hell or that she’s a sinner for falling in love with her when it doesn’t feel that way at all. When the words burn her brain, how can she just release them into the world?

Kate looks up then, and there’s this warm smile on Joyce’s face. “You’ll work it out. Both of ya will.” Kate swallows. What if Joyce knows, the same way Dana knows? Did she slip up somewhere? Is she that obvious?

But Joyce says nothing more, leaving Kate to her thoughts as they finish. When she leaves the diner with well-wishes from Mrs. Madsen, she looks down at her phone. She knows what she has to do tonight. She can only hope that somehow, it can all be repaired.

 

* * *

 

Chloe gets Kate’s texts after dinner that night as she smokes in her room.

_I’m sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong. I want to talk to you, to see if we can be friends again, but I won’t just show up in your life anymore._

_If you want to talk, please call me. I’ll answer._

_I miss you._

At first, she just wants to send _fuck off_ and delete Kate’s number. She’s halfway to hitting send when her thumb stops. She remembers Kate running off in tears, the way her voice broke in the diner. It had felt good, at the time, to reduce Kate to what she’d been reduced to on the night of Thanksgiving, showing her how much it had hurt. Now the anger’s worn off and Chloe just feels like a fucking asshole again. As usual. But she can’t call Kate right now, either, she can still feel the tension in her gut, she’ll just start screaming if Kate says the wrong thing, makes her remember the wrong moment. She clutches her phone tight.

What if she made Kate wait a week? Let her dangle. Maybe that’d make it easier to talk, if she knew Kate had gotten the same treatment she did, to let her know how it felt. Chloe feels some sick thrill at the idea. She knows it’s a shitty thing to do.

But she can’t talk tonight, anyway. So it’s what she decides to do. She leaves the message open and unanswered as she goes to bed.

She ends up staring at the message constantly, distracted by it at work, reading it over and over in bed. She makes it three days.

On the third day, she heads upstairs after dinner and sits down at her desk. She could study. She could watch some YouTube bullshit. Or she could just woman up, take a shot, and call Kate and stop being such a goddamn petty asshole.

So she does just that. Her heart pounds as she waits for the call to connect, rapping her fingernails on her desk, trying to steady her breathing. When it finally goes through, hearing Kate’s voice feels like a shock.

“Hello?”

Chloe swallows her instant objections, the desire to spit, “What, that’s it?” in Kate’s face. Despite everything, she does want some kind of closure, and burning bridges isn’t really the path to that. She settles on a shaky, “Hey, Kate.”

“Chloe.” Kate pauses, then rushes out, “I’m so sorry for hanging up on you, and not talking to you, I was — I—”

“Stop,” Chloe interrupts, clenching her fist. She takes a deep breath. “Kate, I need you to know, just — just how much what you did hurt, okay? Like, I know you think you get it but you don’t. So let me talk.”

“Oh. Okay.” Kate sounds so nervous. But Chloe _needs_ to tell her.

“This...this isn’t the first time someone did this to me,” Chloe says. She hates how wet her voice is getting, because she’s never told _anyone_ this. Not even Rachel, not in this way. “When I was a kid, I knew this girl. Max. We were best friends for a long time. Honestly I don’t even remember being alive without having Max around too. When I was thirteen I started…” Chloe shakes, struggling to know how to describe this to Kate. The way it felt to be around her friend just suddenly shifting, the nerves in her stomach, the urge to keep her close and touch her. “I started liking her more, I guess,” she murmurs lamely. “I wasn’t really sure what was going on, but it—it started getting obvious. I even managed to find an excuse to kiss her once. You know, as a game.” Chloe sniffs, wiping at her nose, remembering so much now. “I—I told my dad about it, even, when I really started to get it. And then he died. I needed Max more than ever, and she moved away, and she never talked to me again. It’s been five years since I heard from her.”

Chloe realizes, abruptly, that she’s really crying now, and takes the phone away from her face so that Kate won’t hear. God. This shouldn’t matter so much, it was five years ago, just a stupid childhood crush, it’s not a big _fucking_ deal but it is.

“Chloe…” comes out of the phone, and Chloe tries to stop herself from breaking down even further and interrupts her.

“She never told me why. She just left. But...but you know, it just feels like, it’s because I liked her. Because I’m gay. Because of _who I am._ ” A sob breaks out of Chloe’s throat and she wants to kill it. “With my dad dying and Max leaving and Mom marrying that shithead, it just...it felt like I was so disgusting that no one wanted to be around me. That I was just fucking worthless. A-and then I come out to you, and you just drop me, and it’s like, oh, yeah, I wasn’t just hating myself for no reason, I was right, me being gay is the problem.”

“I’m sorry, Chloe,” Kate says softly on the other end of the line. “I—I want you to know it’s not, not all you, okay? It’s...I should…” She stammers, unable to find her way to a complete word. Chloe waits, wiping her eyes, not sure what she’s about to hear. “I wasn’t disgusted,” Kate says, finally. “I...I was scared.”

“Of what?” Chloe asks. “Kate, you know I wouldn’t ever—I’m not a fucking creep like Nathan—”

“It’s not that,” Kate murmurs. “I was scared because...because I was…” She gulps. “I was...feeling something. When I was with you. It was different, and, and new, and I’m not supposed to be...I _can’t_ be—”

“Stop,” Chloe says, because this is familiar too, this feeling, and she’s going to squash it before it grows. “You can’t—you can’t fucking say this shit to me.”

“Why—”

“Because this isn’t my first go-around with that crap, either.” Chloe tenses up, and remembers to breathe. Kate doesn’t know. Kate’s confused and she’s struggling and it’s not her fault but Chloe can’t do this, not again. “I told you I fell for Rachel. Well, she was never sure if she fell for me back or not. After she kissed me that first time, it was years of just — her getting closer and then distancing herself and saying she’s not gay or bi but she really likes kissing me or what the fuck _ever,_ and it just…” Don’t cry again, Chloe, Jesus. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t be just — strung along like that. You have to either want to be with me or not, I can’t do this in-between thing, I can’t keep hoping for something to happen when it never does.”

“I’m—I’m sorry,” Kate stammers. “I’m just, I’m going through a lot right now—”

Chloe sighs. Don’t be the asshole. But do stand up for yourself. Fuck, this balancing act is hard. “I know you are, and like...it’s nice to know that there was an actual reason. I know you’re religious, and it’s all confusing and hard and shit to figure this out. But I can’t help you with it. I just can’t, I’d want it to be true so much, you wouldn’t really know and neither would I and I can’t do that. Not again.” She rubs her forehead. “Look, what I said to you at the Two Whales — a lot of that wasn’t...it wasn’t really you I was mad at. The stuff I said to you is shit I always wanted to scream at Rachel but I was afraid she’d leave me, and I needed her. You’d already left, so…” Chloe shrugs. “Didn’t seem to matter. Felt good to let it out. But it...it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry too.”

“Can we at least be friends again?” Kate pleads. “I...when I came back, a couple of my friends wanted to hang out again. We don’t have to talk about it, I can...I can talk to them, I guess.”

Chloe thinks, leaning back in her chair. How can she do this? She knows how hard it’s been for Kate. She does just miss having her as a friend, having a friend at all, really, besides her goddamn mom. She takes a deep breath.

“Yeah. We can. But...but we gotta have some boundaries this time, okay? No more like...touchy shit, and cuddling, and all that. It makes me too hopeful. Unless you decide you actually, for sure, want to be with me, I don’t want any. It’s always good at the time and then I freak out about it later and I’m just kinda over that.”

“O-okay. That actually...it sounds like a good idea.” Kate lets out a breath of air. “Can we do lunch tomorrow, or something, then? I want to see you.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good, actually.” Chloe gets up and heads over to her bed, laying down and staring into her ceiling. Maybe things can actually be okay after all.

“Okay. Chloe…” Kate struggles for her next words. “I’m really glad we talked. I’m...I’m glad I met you. I wish this hadn’t come between us.”

Chloe yawns. “Well. It’s not your fault the world’s a homophobic piece of shit. I hope...I hope you figure it out, you know? I don’t think you wanna grow up to be that chick who shouts _God hates fags_ at everyone.”

She can practically hear Kate shudder over the phone. “You’re—you’re right, I don’t. And I don’t want to cut you off or be mean to you or be mean to _anyone_ over this. It doesn’t feel right.”

“I knew you were a good kid, Kate,” Chloe says with a bit of a laugh. “You’ll be okay, I think.”

“Thanks, Chloe.” There’s a moment of silence. Chloe can hear Kate shifting.

“Listen, I gotta go to bed and stuff. But this was actually...I mean it was intense. But it was nice to talk. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow. Thanks for giving me another chance.”

“Hey, right back at you. I was a raging bitch, it’s okay to tell me that.”

Kate giggles. “I will _not._ ”

“Goodnight, Kate.”

“Goodnight.”

Chloe lays the phone on her nightstand, then puts her hands behind her head, closing her eyes. It felt good, to finally tell someone about all of that. And, she’s willing to admit it, good to make the good Christian girl seriously question her sexuality, even if she doesn’t really want to be there for the entire damned process.

Weird to think that for once, she didn’t just ruin everything. Maybe she can make a trend out of that.


	13. Proverbs 16:24

Kate stands in front of the Two Whales again, breathing heavily. Last time she was here, Chloe screamed at her, and she’d deserved it. Now they’re trying to meet up again as friends, not as...as what it almost felt like they were becoming.

God. Kate _told_ her. She started admitting that she wanted Chloe, in _that way_ , and Chloe cut her off before she could really express it all. Chloe was smart to break it off there, but it still feels like this secret pushing its way out of her ribcage like the alien in that movie Chloe showed her. She knows Chloe’s right, that this isn’t fair to do to her, someone who’s accepted these feelings and lets them be a part of her, to expose her to Kate’s confusion and desire and terror. Is it really something she has to work out all on her own, though?

She takes a deep breath. Not what this is about. This is about going in there and getting your friend back. Even though Dana’s been really good to her, and she has company in her and Alyssa and Stella, her life’s felt so empty without the constant texting with Chloe, without movie nights at her house and adventures downtown and all that quiet time together, existing in each others’ space. She needs it again, so she’s going to swallow this and work it out somehow, on her own.

Resolve hardened, she jumps up the steps and opens the door, looking for Chloe in the corner booth. Chloe raises a hand lazily at her, blue fingernails glinting in the cold grey light from outside. Kate gulps. She’s not smiling. She looks nervous, hesitant, and really pretty, still.

It’s hard to keep those thoughts away. The more she allows herself to think in real words, the more difficult it is to ignore. She likes how Chloe looks, likes her slightly narrow eyes and her blue hair and the shape of her lips. She missed just looking at her too. There’s a reason that sketch is still in her notebook.

God, she has it bad.

She crosses the length of the diner and sits down across from Chloe. They look at each other for a moment, each waiting for the other to speak first.

Chloe takes a swig of the water on the table. “So, um. Hi.”

“Hi.” Kate pauses, then remembers her manners. “It’s nice to see you.”

“Yeah. Same to you.” Chloe clears her throat. “So, uh, how are you? Like, in general, these days.”

Kate sinks a little into her chair. “I’m okay. I had to fight with my mom again over break about staying here, but...well, I’m back, so I guess you can see how that turned out.”

A small smile tugs at the corner of Chloe’s mouth. “Hey, you’re really flexing that fancy new spine of yours. Good job not letting her bully you into submission.”

Kate relaxes, feeling a bit of warmth in her stomach at Chloe talking to her like that again. It’s always strange to feel like she’s allowed to do these things, that it’s not some kind of character flaw to not follow her mother’s word. “I just…” She huffs. “I didn’t want to be stuck in the house anymore. It seemed easier to be alone out here than pitied and judged back home.”

“Man, I get that. It’s not that big of a problem since David moved out, but back when I was fifteen, I’d just stay out of the house all day just to keep away from the prick.” Chloe idly swirls the straw in her water glass. “...when you came back, did you think you’d never talk to me again? Or were you just…”

“I tried to pretend I could,” Kate admits, shrinking before Chloe’s questioning eye. “B-but, I, I figured out I didn’t really want that. At all. It was stupid, and, and mean. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Really, it is.” Chloe runs a hand through her hair. “Just trying to figure out what actually...happened, I guess.”

The waitress comes by to take their order, and as Chloe hands their menus to her, the sleeve of her flannel shifts down her wrist. Kate’s eyes widen. Lines, red, _new._ As the waitress turns to walk away, Kate’s hand darts out instinctively, gently taking Chloe’s wrist. She hears Chloe take in a sharp gasp.

It’s her fault, isn’t it? Chloe hurt herself because of Kate. She bites her lip, running her thumb over the lines. She doesn’t know what to say. “Chloe—”

Chloe yanks away, leaving Kate with empty air. She looks flushed. “Don’t...do that,” she mumbles, averting her eyes. “I said not to.”

“Oh.” Kate looks away too, blushing now, realizing that this kind of thing is exactly what Chloe was talking about. “Sorry.” She swallows. “But, are you doing okay?”

“Well, you just saw,” Chloe snaps irritably. “I don’t wanna dwell on it, all right?”

“I’m sorry,” Kate repeats.

Chloe’s fingers clench on the table, and she takes a deep breath. “Stop apologizing. It just makes me mad,” she says through gritted teeth. “Look, it was rough, okay? That’s why I was so pissed. But I don’t wanna just fall in there again, think about it all the time. I’m—I’m glad you’re back, really, but I don’t wanna talk about how fucked up I was over you.”

Kate almost blurts out another _I’m sorry_ but catches herself. “O-okay.”

Chloe breathes out hard, closing her eyes. “Okay. Shit, Kate, I just…” She rubs her brow. “You know, I wanna be your friend again. But it still hurts. I don’t wanna pretend nothing happened but we don’t have to constantly go digging, you get me?”

“Yeah. That makes sense.” Kate’s voice is small. She keeps repeating _how fucked up I was over you_ in her head. Chloe really did care that much about her.

Their food arrives, and Chloe takes a couple of bites before saying anything more.

“Anyway. So, like, other than that whole thing...Mom and I are actually getting along better now. I’m helping her out with money a little bit so David doesn’t have to come back, and the house is paid off, so we’re not in complete shit territory like we were when Dad died.” She stuffs more hashbrowns into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “...it’s nice,” she admits quietly.

“Me and my mom have actually been…” Kate considers how to say this, staring down at her plate. “I don’t know. We were never that close, but now it feels like she’s really trying to...control me. Make me be her perfect daughter. And I don’t know if I want to be that for her anymore.” She swirls her fork through peas. “I don’t know _what_ I want to be anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Chloe asks.

“I used to think I had my whole life planned out. I’d go to a Christian college, make connections in the publishing industry, start writing and illustrating children’s books. At some point I’d be married and have kids with… a good man. I’ve wanted to do that since I was a kid. Now…” Kate shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know who I am, or, or where I stand, or even what I want to do. Sometimes I think about being more... _useful,_ I guess. Being a counselor, maybe. Or a teacher, or a nurse, I don’t know. I want to help people, and I don’t want to do it through the church. I want to help people like you.” She dares to look up.

Chloe looks shaken. “I mean...Kate, that’s a good thing. To me anyway. I mean, I had a therapist for a while, but I stopped going, ‘cuz he...I don’t know. Didn’t really get it. Got some things but not all of it and I couldn’t really tell him anything, and then we ran out of money ‘cuz this was before David and I just didn’t care anymore. Still fill the script he gave me every month, though. Dunno how much the meds actually help.”

“I didn’t know you were on medication,” Kate admits quietly.

“Not something I tell people, usually. Besides, it probably doesn’t even work anymore. Doesn’t feel like it does. I know I should go back, but…” Chloe rubs the back of her neck. “Having you around was more helpful than my counselor was back in the day, you know? You might be good at it.”

“I don’t know if I would be, after what I did,” Kate murmurs. “I think I still need to figure things out.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Chloe says, locking eyes with her. “Shit, Kate, you’re only like, eighteen. You don’t have to have everything figured out yet. Look at me, I don’t know shit about what I’m doing, but I’m starting to get things together, y’know? I got a job, and I’m starting to think I like it. Plus, I’m gonna take the GED test next year. I messed a lot of stuff up, but…” Chloe shrugs. “Don’t think it’s all ruined anymore.”

Kate smiles at her. “Yeah.” She sighs. “Thanks, Chloe. I really missed our talks.”

Chloe smiles back, and she looks radiant despite the cold backdrop of the outside world. “Yeah. Me too.”

Kate wants to reach across the table, hold her hand, like she’d do before. She has to make a fist to stop herself. She misses that, too. She’s going to have to figure that out soon.

 

* * *

 

They’re healing.

It’s been a good few weeks. Chloe and Kate have hung out a couple of times. It’s different, now, because it has to be. They don’t cuddle up in bed to watch movies anymore. They sit on opposite ends of the couch downstairs instead. It’s a bigger screen, after all. Kate doesn’t reach out to touch her when they’re sitting in silence in the cafes, doesn’t hug her anymore. It’s easier to breathe. Chloe’s grateful. The space between them isn’t so far that they can’t see each other. The honesty is refreshing, almost.

Chloe feels stronger. Every day she wakes up and knows what she’s doing. She has a job, a routine. She can’t remember the last time she showered and ate three meals a day so regularly. The floor is no longer always covered in clothes. She can even sleep most nights.

It’s just that last night wasn’t one of them.

Yesterday, she took the last stack of Rachel’s missing posters she’d made and went back to the junkyard. Just one last time. That stack’s been haunting her for two months and she was so tired of looking at it. She wandered the place that once was hers, mind turning in circles, wondering where Rachel was buried. It’s been long enough, rained enough, that she couldn’t tell.

She burned the posters in the firepit they once danced around, drank around, kissed around. She remembered the songs they used to blast from Rachel’s fancy phone speakers. They played in her mind as she smashed everything in their hideaway that could be broken to pieces with a tire iron, as she spray-painted over old graffiti and threw the cans at the wall. She didn’t even cry, or yell, or feel much of anything.

She didn’t tell Kate about it. Didn’t tell anyone. It was hers. It used to be theirs. Chloe couldn’t handle it just being hers anymore. It should be no one’s. It should be dead and gone like Rachel, not just festering there, just reminding her, always in the back of her mind.

As she laid in bed tonight, she thought of going up to the lighthouse and scratching out her and Max’s old dedication in the tree, too. Chip a big bare patch into the bark. The holes in her life should just be holes. There shouldn’t be anything else there to remind her of what she’s lost.

She ignores Joyce knocking on her door for breakfast. Thinking she might still be able to get some sleep if she just pretends the day hasn’t started. At least it’s her day off. She’s grateful when she hears the door slam shut below, taking the opportunity to sneak downstairs and wolf down the leftover pancakes. Joyce left a note. _Enjoy, lazybones._ It’s so friendly. Like they actually like each other. Chloe should laugh, but she doesn’t.

She packs what weed she has left into her pipe when she gets up into her room again. Opens iTunes, puts on the band she remembers discovering herself and immediately wanting to share with Rachel, sitting in this room and jamming out to the whole album when David wasn’t home. They put out a new one since then. It’s just as good.

She smokes lying almost entirely horizontal on her bed, puffing out clouds as she mouths the lyrics. _Anxiety, anxiety, you give me no mercy._ She closes her eyes and lets herself float. Rachel really loved this song. It has one of her favorite singers on it.

Chloe wasn’t often into Rachel’s music, on first listen. But when you hang around someone for long enough and they play their music all the time, you start to love it too. It becomes part of you. She can’t break that. Rachel’s CDs are still in her car.

She’s surprised how much one bowl does to her, but she doesn’t smoke regularly anymore. Maybe her tolerance is shot. She finds herself lying upside-down, letting the music wash over her. Her mind’s almost clear, for once. She wonders idly if she’ll regret what she did last night. Or if it’s part of the grieving process, to let go like that, if that’s even letting go at all.

Then a song breaks through the cloud. She remembers this one. Remembers the firepit and screaming these lyrics into the night with Rachel. _No mother ever dreams that her daughter’s gonna grow up to be a junkie._

Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._ God, she still has vodka around here somewhere, doesn’t she? She falls off the bed, scrounges around her floor, finds nothing. Right. She finished it off before Kate came back. Doesn’t she have _something?_ She can’t remember the last time she was totally out.

She finds a handle of rum stuck at the very back of her closet in the end. When it got there, she can’t remember, but it’s not like it goes bad, right? There’s not much left in it, and Chloe drinks it all. The song’s over by the time she drops the empty bottle back to the floor, and thank God for that. Maybe that’ll do the trick. Maybe now she can sleep.

She stares into the ceiling, her body vibrating. She feels like she’s sliding out of herself.

And then the door opens, and Kate walks into the room.

Shit.

She was supposed to come over today. Right. They made plans before Chloe saw the posters and turned stupid and wasted an entire day.

Kate looks terrified, like she knows exactly what’s going on. Chloe knows what she looks like. But then something softer comes on, starting with a few acoustic chords, and she swallows and meets her eyes.

“Chloe—”

“Wait,” Chloe says, breathing hard. “Just...can we not talk, for a minute? I wanna listen.”

Kate nods. She pads over to the bed, carefully taking a seat on the edge. After a minute, she takes the leap of laying down beside Chloe. Their hands are so close that Chloe can feel her body heat. She breathes, in, out. Letting it pass through her as best she can. She keeps glancing at Kate, wondering if she’s listening. _I’ve got no judgement for you, come on and ache with me._ Being here with Kate, now, seems to drain the panic from her veins, better than the alcohol or the pot.

Chloe closes her eyes as the song fades out. She gets up once a new track starts, shutting off the music. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “Totally forgot you were coming over.”

“Are you okay?” Kate asks as Chloe sits back down on the bed, crossing her legs and staring into her lap.

Chloe scratches feverishly under her hair. She takes a deep breath. Honesty. “No.” She looks up, and Kate’s moved to the edge of the bed, swinging her legs back and forth, wringing her hands in her lap. Their eyes meet. Kate’s waiting for more, so patiently. So Chloe can tell her.

“It’s just...you know that thing where sometimes you hear a song and it just gets to you? Like, you’ve listened to it a thousand times but this time…” Chloe waves her hand in the air uselessly.

“I think I know what you mean,” Kate says carefully.

“It’s just this line in it. ‘No mother ever dreams that her daughter’s gonna grow up to be a junkie.’ And it just hit me.” Chloe sniffs. “Y-you know, I never thought I’d be like this either. And Mom didn’t. And I thought about what my dad would think, if he saw me now, and…” She puts a hand over her eyes and slumps.

Kate looks thoughtful for a minute. “Didn’t you tell me that it’s okay to not be the perfect person your parents want you to be? That it’s okay to have to figure yourself out?”

“Yeah, but—”

“You used _yourself_ as the example,” Kate adds, a smile teasing at her lips.

“Well, I mean—” Chloe feels herself getting flustered. “But, it’s like, different. I don’t know! Sometimes I think my life’s going okay and I feel like I’m on the right track and then sometimes I just look at myself and go, God, what a fucking sad, pathetic loser, fucking high school dropout alcoholic stoner—”

“That’s not all you are.” Kate sounds so certain. “And you know that. Those—those labels don’t define you. You’ve taught me that.”

“It’s easier to give other people a break,” Chloe murmurs, shrugging. “I know myself too well. And...I guess it just comes in waves, you know?”

“I know,” Kate says, her voice softening.

“Yeah. I guess you do.” Chloe looks at her, really looks at her. She’s so beautiful. So kind. It feels good to know someone gets it. Even without touching her, Chloe’s heart beats strong in her chest. She looks away again. She can’t let herself feel this strongly. Not for long.

“Can I hug you?” Kate asks suddenly, nervously.

“Yeah.” It comes out without Chloe thinking about it. And, Jesus, Chloe, it’s just a hug.

Kate scoots over and puts her arms around Chloe, not squeezing too tight, not holding on too long, but it’s enough. As they pull apart, Chloe asks, “So, um, what were the plans today?”

“I think just hang out here,” Kate says with a shrug. “ _You_ told me you hadn’t seen Frozen, though, so I picked it up at the library.”

“You are so adorable,” Chloe says with a chuckle. “I’ll make popcorn.”

Chloe loses track of what happens after she sits down to watch with Kate. One minute, she’s watching CGI people cut ice, the next Kate is shaking her shoulder, right next to her on the couch. When Chloe’s eyes open fully and she sees Kate’s soft smile, she just thinks _I love you._

“You fell asleep,” Kate accuses.

“Didn’t sleep last night,” Chloe says, trying not to let her heart do that thing it’s doing.

“Why?”

Chloe sits up and sighs. Well, someone should know. And if there’s anyone she’s willing to share everything with, it’s Kate. She knows that Kate has no judgement for her, only for herself. She’ll listen, and she’ll understand.

“So you know that stack of posters I had left over in my room...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chloe's listening to Against Me! and the songs are, in order:
> 
>  
> 
> ["Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmUKY0JEArA)  
> ["Thrash Unreal"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzJ21OpFnZ0)  
> ["Ache With Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIj4d5evZT0)  
> 


	14. Romans 12:2

Kate’s determined. She’s going to figure this out.

So when Dana stops by for a study session, she decides early on that she’s going to just _ask_ the question that’s on her mind. She waits, of course, not wanting to be rude and make the entire session awkward, letting Dana set up on her couch while she takes the bed. Once Dana’s closed one of her textbooks, she takes the leap.

“So, Dana…” she begins, tapping her pencil against her knee, shifting to sit up and face her.

“What’s up?” Dana asks, turning her head away from her book bag for a moment.

Kate takes a deep breath. “Why are you bisexual?”

Dana does a double take. “Sorry, what?”

“Well, like, Chloe’s obviously gay because she lost her father so young—”

“Oh, Jesus,” Dana mutters, covering her face with her hand. “Please tell me you didn’t say that to her face.”

Kate shuts her mouth, suddenly embarrassed. “I—I mean, no, but, isn’t that how it works?” It’s the only thing that makes sense to her, still. It’s what the radio they always listened to in the car back home would say, it’s trauma, it twists you up, you need therapy for it.

“Kate…” Dana sighs, sinking onto the couch. “No, it’s like, really not.”

“Then why?” Kate feels so childish, asking this, but… “I—I mean, there has to be a reason.”

“Who says? And how would that even work for me?” Dana challenges.

“I—I don’t know! That’s why I asked!” Kate’s cheeks flare. “How does it work, then?”

“I don’t think it _works_ in any particular way at all,” Dana says with a shrug. “I mean, I’ve been bi since I can remember.”

“Oh.” Kate stares down at her lap, thinking hard. “Then when did you...know?”

“I think I was like, thirteen,” Dana says, her tone softening. “Juliet was having a party and we decided to play spin the bottle because we were idiot kids. Chloe was there too, actually. When it was my turn, I landed on her. I kissed her on the cheek, ‘cuz I knew like, you weren’t supposed to kiss other girls on the lips, but I _wanted_ to, right after I did.”

Kate knows the want Dana’s describing, the memory sending a chill down her spine. What would she have felt, in Dana’s place?

“A-after, when we were done and just talking about it, the other girls talked about how gross it was when you had to kiss another girl. And I was just kinda like…” A goofy smile comes to Dana’s lips. “I mean, it seemed nice to kiss girls or boys. Didn’t matter which. Kissing was just nice.”

Kate looks down. That does sound nice. Having an excuse to kiss Chloe, that is. She thinks a little, and says, “N-now that I think about it, Chloe said that she used to, to like a girl, before her dad died.”

“Max?” Dana says, looking up.

“How’d you know?” Kate asks, eyes widening.

“Those two were inseparable when they were kids. Easy leap to make.” Dana chuckles. “That’s cute. I had a crush on Chloe for a while mostly because she was like, the only out girl I knew. Plus she looks hot on a skateboard. Bet if she hadn’t moved away they’d be dating already.”

The thought of that makes Kate heat up, somehow. She doesn’t want to think about Chloe being with someone else, especially not someone who abandoned her. Her fist tightens.

“But, yeah, I don’t know. It doesn’t come from anything, there’s nothing I can say _made me_ like girls. I just do. Just part of who I am.” Dana shrugs. “I never saw anything wrong with it.”

“That...that makes sense,” Kate murmurs. She can’t see anything wrong with it either. It hardly feels like she can be blamed for how she feels about Chloe. It hardly seems like the loving God who created the world would hate her for doing so. If Dana’s telling the truth, that there really is no reason...is it a test? But why would God need to test His followers in such a way? Doesn’t He create us in His image, why would He do that to us just to make us suffer?

She broods on that conversation for a while, coming back to it in quiet moments. The more she unravels what she’s heard, the more she listens to her heart, the more she trawls the internet for answers and finds no real consensus, the harder it is to believe that judgement and cruelty is the right call. The way she feels when she reads those hateful words can’t be God’s love.

The more she searches her memories, the more she can come up with, too. Trying so hard to impress Ms. Margaret, the prettiest woman she’d ever laid eyes on when she was twelve. Feeling so intimidated by the popular girls at school, unable to ever meet their eye. Finding it strange when other girls in the class or in youth group would talk about boys. _Aren’t we too young for that?_ was always her thought, because she never felt anything, she always expected it’d come later, when it was time. Maybe she’ll always feel like this about boys, and about girls. Maybe that mystical day when she falls for a man simply won’t come.

Somehow, that thought feels like such a relief.

Another thing catches her attention, one night as she gets up to go to the bathroom, woken up by yet another nightmare of Nathan’s needle in her neck. As she approaches her door, she hears a loud _thump._ She stops as she hears Victoria slur, "Fuck. Open you _piece_ of _ssshit._ ”

Best not to go out there right now, Kate thinks to herself as she hears another _thump._ She breathes heavily, waiting with her ear pressed to the door, hoping Victoria will leave soon.

Then another voice. “Victoria?” Kate recognizes her. Taylor.

“Lost my keys,” Victoria mumbles. “I’ll get it open.”

“Victoria…”

“Get Shamuel to do it.” There’s a pause. “Get a new key t’morrow.”

“V, he’s not here. You can’t just sleep in the hall.”

“I’ll be _fine._ ‘Sno big deal.”

There’s another pause, and then, “Come on.”

Kate waits, listening to them head down the hall. She peeks her head out and briefly spots them heading into Taylor’s room, Taylor’s arm over Victoria’s shoulders. They look strangely intimate. Kate can’t help but wonder. Maybe it’s just because it’s on her mind in the first place.

She mentions the encounter to Dana the next time they’re in the cafeteria together. Dana purses her lips. “Not saying Victoria is or isn’t gay,” is her only comment. “Not my place.”

It’s also getting harder to follow Chloe’s rules.

The more she starts to think that maybe this part of her isn’t evil, doesn’t need to be expunged, the stronger the urges grow. To get closer and lean her head on Chloe’s shoulder in the truck when they’re eating take-out. To hug her when she talks about a possible visit from David during Christmas. To hold her hand when she comes into Chloe’s room and finds her strung out, laying on her bed, punk music washing over her.

God, it’s so hard. To ask for a hug instead of just giving her one, keeping it friendly and not just squeezing her until she’s calm again. Not just burying her head in Chloe’s chest and listening to her heartbeat. So hard to keep the distance between them on the couch when they go to watch _Frozen_ , so hard not to kiss Chloe’s forehead when she sees she’s fallen asleep. She’s so _cute,_ despite everything.

Kate wants to be okay with this. She wants to be able to tell Chloe, _yes, I want this too, and I can do it._ That want feels so overpowering that she’s not sure if all this deliberation isn’t biased in favor of the conclusion that just lets her _do it._ But it’s also her friends who are involved here too, kids like her, just people who want to love other people without judgement or hate. Kate’s heart can’t take the idea that Chloe and Dana are damned to Hell. It doesn’t work with what God is to her, when she feels His presence in her life, though it seems those moments are so few and far between these days.

Christmas Break seems to just sneak up on her. Before she knows it, she’s engaged with finals, studying with her friends in her room and letting Alice crawl over everyone. She thinks of asking Chloe to come, but it feels like she’s Kate’s secret, someone she should keep close to her heart, not spread around.

And then the day comes when her father’s supposed to drive over and take her home, and it feels like she’s had no time with Chloe at all, not all the time she’s wanted, anyway, and she’s reached a standstill in her thinking. She keeps looking, but she’s drawn the same conclusion for a week now.

This can’t be wrong.

She prays, one last time, that morning. To receive clear guidance. To know, somehow, that she isn’t filthy or broken or diseased, that her feelings for Chloe are good and pure. That they’ll be good for each other, like they have been. That all of this is okay.

She knows God doesn’t answer in words. She’s never expected that. She wonders if He’s been answering her all along, by the feelings she gets in her stomach when she reads hate, when she thinks of abandoning Chloe again, when she felt hollow after doing it the first time. Perhaps He’s always been speaking to her. Perhaps she simply cannot know.

Maybe she should just follow her heart.

She calls Chloe.

“Mmm? Kate?” Chloe mumbles.

“Hey, are you free today?” Kate asks, heart thumping in her chest.

“Uh, yeah. What’s up?”

“Do you want to come help me pack? I...I wanted to say goodbye properly this time.”

“Oh! I can do that, yeah, that’s cool.” Chloe pauses. “Gimme like an hour though, I kinda thought I’d be sleeping in more.”

“No problem,” Kate lies, because that puts the timeline for when Dad is getting here a lot closer and she wants to be alone with Chloe and she wants to find the courage to tell her _yes._ But she won’t demand anything of Chloe. This has to be done right.

So she sits and she waits for, like, an hour. She’s too anxious to do much else, holding Alice on her lap and stroking her, thinking.

And then Chloe does arrive, texting to be let into the dorms. And Kate says hello, brings her in, shows her what needs to be packed away, but honestly it’s not much and she totally could have done it herself hours ago but she wanted an excuse and it’s not a great one but it’s going to have to do.

And then everything is packed away, and Chloe turns to Kate and asks, “So, anything else, or…?”

Kate takes a deep breath. What words could suffice? What can she even start —

Her phone starts ringing on the desk, “Dad” flashing on the screen.

Kate tries not to swear, despite her frequent proximity to Chloe, but _fuck._

“Sorry, one sec,” Kate says, taking the phone and swiping. “Hey, dad—”

“Which room are you in? I snuck in while some other parents were moving their girl out.”

Kate deflates. “Two twenty-two. See you in a second,” she murmurs.

“All right, Katie. Love you!” He hangs up, and Kate turns to Chloe, who has an eyebrow raised.

“You’re about to meet my father?” Kate says, shrugging helplessly. Dammit dammit _dammit._

“You so didn’t plan this,” Chloe says with a smirk. “I’m seriously considering finding the best way to embarrass you right now.”

“Chloe—”

“But I won’t, because we’re friends and sometimes I’m _not_ a total asshole,” Chloe continues. A knock on the door follows immediately after she finishes her sentence, and she turns with great purpose and swings it open. “Hey, Mr. Marsh!”

“...Hello?” Kate’s father says, squinting at her, then checking behind her to see Kate waving awkwardly.

“I’m Chloe, one of Kate’s friends,” Chloe says, sticking her hand out for him. Luckily, he takes it in stride, straightening up quickly.

“I see.”

“I was just here helping her pack.”

He looks around and nods. “Seems reasonable enough. Katie—”

“Come on, let’s get going,” Kate urges, quickly, picking up Alice’s cage and stuffing it into her father’s arms, her cheeks burning. Chloe casts her a smug smile and she kind of hates that, so she looks away. Between the three of them, only one suitcase is left after the first trip to the parking lot. Kate’s mind turns.

“Me and Chloe can get the last one, Dad, I have to say goodbye to her anyway,” Kate says quickly, starting off before he can voice any objection. Chloe follows swiftly, casting a glance behind her.

“Isn’t he the one you actually like?” Chloe asks, still smiling. “I mean, he seems fine, but you’re acting all weird.”

“It’s—it’s nothing.” Kate swallows. She heads as quickly as she can into her room, grabs her suitcase, and pauses, staring up at Chloe.

“Well, I…” Come on, Kate! She feels so pathetic right now, looking at Chloe, _wanting_ but not being able to say it. “I’m really glad we’re friends again,” she says, as an attempt at a beginning.

“Y-yeah, me too,” Chloe murmurs, suddenly looking bashful, looking at her feet. “Kate, it really means a lot to me that you actually...you came back on your own. And you apologized.”

“You mean a lot to me too,” Kate says, fidgeting in place. Dammit. God, she can’t, she can’t do this, can’t say these words aloud, not right now, what _can_ she do—

She can’t keep thinking. She has to just do something. She has one free hand, Chloe’s looking away.

She takes a deep breath, and before she can stop herself, she stands on her tiptoes, grabs Chloe’s collar and yanks her down and kisses her cheek. Dad’s waiting and her heart is pounding and she just _bolts,_ because that’s what she wants to leave her with, and more words would spoil it. She grins from ear to ear as she races to the car.

 

* * *

 

So.

That happened.

Chloe’s stunned, still standing in Kate’s room, feeling the mark that her lipstick left. It’s always been such a pretty shade on Kate. She can see it on her cheek in the mirror.

She shivers. This has to mean something, right? The nervous way she was talking, the failed attempt to get Chloe alone, the goddamned _kiss._ And yet Chloe still can’t feel free of the crushing dread in her chest. She should call Kate, right now, demand some kind of fucking verbal answer. But now she’s with her dad, and it’s not safe, and it feels like Kate did it on purpose the same way Rachel always did. A lump grows in her throat. Is she just going to keep letting this happen? Keep letting people walk all over her?

She leaves the room with her hands tucked in her pockets. She would cry, but she’s not sure she should. She can’t stand this uncertainty. It feels too familiar. But she has to at least wait until Kate’s home before calling, so...maybe she should just go home and wait.

Fuck, she has nowhere else to be, does she? Her world’s shrunk to work, home, and Kate’s room. Everywhere else has been tainted by something.

Her truck is the closest thing to a closed-off space she can get right now, so she gets in it and drives out to nowhere, parking on a dirt road and climbing into the back. Not likely to see anyone she knows out here. She wishes she still had weed, but since Frank’s in jail now, she doesn’t really know where to get it. She supposes Justin would know, but she’s never been very good at keeping friendships up, and besides, who wants to hear from her, anyway? Her co-workers at the tattoo shop seem to like her, but that’s because they don’t really know anything about her.

This whole thing is so exhausting.

She thinks about just lying down here, falling asleep on the hard metal, the cold air biting at her bare face. But she doesn’t have to live that way anymore, finding peace out in the middle of nowhere. Her room is safe, now. She doesn’t have to live with David barging in all the time, doesn’t have to tiptoe. It’s funny how easily she forgets that whenever she feels the anxiety coming on.

It still feels good to be out here, though. The air is fresh and bracing, the world blissfully silent. It’s a place to get a little clarity, this slice of nowhere. Enough to remember that Kate isn’t all her world is, and that if this is going to continue, Chloe can cut her off. Chloe can find other people. She doesn’t have to live this way.

She wants Kate, more than anything. That hasn’t faded. But she doesn’t need her, the way she needed Rachel. She can move on. She _can._ She was starting to, just when Kate re-entered her life. She won’t let this take over, not again. She’ll wait for confirmation, and then she’ll start figuring out where to go from there.

She takes a quick walk into the woods, just a circle through the trees and back to her car, letting her thoughts calm. She should get back to her online readings today. That’ll fill the time. When she gets back into the car, she sees the lipstick stain in the rearview mirror. She wipes it off.

She makes herself breakfast when she gets home, which fills more time. It’s always been sort of soothing to cook things, even a simple pan of scrambled eggs. Something to be grateful to Joyce for.

She gets back in her pajamas once she’s in her room, figuring physical comfort will ease the stress in her bones. She takes her laptop with her into bed, browsing the online resources she bought with her first paycheck. It feels good, to do something. Better than just waiting, even if that is what she’s really doing.

She’s surprised when her phone vibrates on the nightstand. Much more so when she sees the number.

It’s been a very long time since Victoria last called. So much has changed and come to light that it feels like they’d met in a different world. Their meetings since have been brief, violent, hateful, tiring. After everything that happened, Chloe would have been happy to never see her again.

She answers more out of confusion than anything else. “Vic?” she asks. “What do you want?”

Victoria’s voice sounds strained, like she hasn’t slept in days. “I’m sorry.”

Chloe blinks. She closes her laptop. “About what?” she says cautiously.

“Everything. W-what I did with you, and, and Rachel, and that whole fucked-up mess last year, it was all my fault.”

Chloe bites her lip. She remembers it all, of course she does. Rachel disappearing at a party, upstairs with some _guy._ Victoria approaching her, both of them drunk out of their minds, fucking in a bathroom and throwing up right after, and that becoming a pattern, and Victoria transparently being after Rachel too but settling for Chloe. To call it a relationship would be a lie. Seeing Rachel kissing Victoria, when she thought Chloe wasn’t looking, knowing they went upstairs later, it will always hurt.

“I, I was closeted and I just wanted _something_ , I wanted to feel something good, I wanted someone to want me, and I fucked everything up between you two because I’m a selfish asshole and…” God, she sounds completely fucked up. She’s not slurring, but her voice is so hoarse, her words coming out like she’s forcing them through a meat grinder.

“Vic, why are you calling me? What the hell happened?” Chloe doesn’t want to feel sorry for her. She almost did, some nights, before. When she let something slip, like, _Rachel’s like me, she’s just better at it._ But the anger and hatred she once felt for the girl no longer flares so bright in her, either. She’s too tired.

Victoria sniffs. “I fucked up.”

“How?”

“I...I drank too much last night. Taylor drove me here. She’s sleeping next to me. I’m in the hospital, Chloe.”

“Holy shit,” Chloe murmurs.

“I just...I almost died because I’m a stupid selfish fucking wreck.” Victoria takes in a deep gasp, and Chloe fears she’s about to start crying, but she does manage to hold it together. “Sometimes I think I’m treating Taylor even worse than I treated you.”

 _Who the fuck is Taylor?_ Chloe wonders, but she can’t do this. Can’t get too involved in Victoria’s life, not again. The wounds aren’t fresh anymore, but the scars haven’t faded. “Look, Vic, I’m glad you’re, like, alive I guess, but seriously, what do you want from me?”

“I know you probably didn’t want to talk to me again. After I’ve been so shitty, to, to you, and to Kate, and…” Victoria sniffs. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. To someone. And I had your number, I guess.”

“Well, I can’t make anything better,” Chloe says, as honestly as she can.

“I know. I also guess I wanted to say…” Victoria swallows. “I sort of fell for you, you know? I know I was always after Rachel but that was, that was some fucked-up power thing. Us fighting all the time...I don’t know. I got addicted. I liked it. I liked you.”

 _Can’t say the same,_ Chloe thinks, but she bites her tongue.

“Just...I think I just wanted to tell you that.” Victoria lets out a shuddering breath. “Do you think things would’ve been different, if I told you that back then?”

“I don’t fucking know, Vic,” Chloe says with a sigh. “I was in love with Rachel. You knew that, and you used it against me. So I doubt it.”

“Yeah.” Victoria’s voice is low, wet. “You’re probably right. I’m sorry I even called you.” And _now_ she sounds like she’s going to cry. “I don’t have anyone else.”

“You said someone drove you to the hospital. Focus on her. Bet she’s nicer than me,” Chloe bites off, feeling panic rise in her gut. She didn’t _want_ this. She wants this chapter of her life to be closed, even if she has to force it closed herself. “Goodbye, Victoria.”

“Sorry,” Victoria says again, and Chloe doesn’t even have to hang up herself. She breathes out a sigh of relief, placing the phone back on the nightstand. She kneads her forehead with her fists and groans.

On the one hand, sucks for Vic. She’s just a kid, after all, like all of them. On the other, it’s not Chloe’s fucking problem and she’s just...done with this. All of this. This uncertainty and the stupid choices and the drinking and the drugs to cover up pain. She doesn’t want to end up where Victoria is, either. Not in the hospital and not wondering what could’ve been.

She checks the time. It’s been almost five hours since Kate left. She shoots off a text.

_can we talk?_

Three little words. It takes a lot longer to send them than is reasonable.

Instead of an answer, her phone rings in her hand. She picks up, and waits to hear Kate’s voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a reference to the great [explosionshark](http://archiveofourown.org/users/explosionshark/pseuds/explosionshark)'s fic, ["Check My Heart."](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4809902)
> 
> In addition, ["Inadequate"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7967329)and ["Best We Both Forget"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8677534), two of my own works, are referenced here as canonical. None of these are needed to understand this chapter but you should read "Check My Heart" regardless.


	15. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Kate piles into the car, out of breath from her run. “Excited, huh?” her father says, raising his eyebrows at her.

“Oh, um,” Kate stammers, not able to explain why running had felt so good and right at the time. “Just...felt like it?”

“Uh huh.” He cracks a smile as Kate buckles in. “Well, I’m glad you’re so exuberant to come back home. I was worried I’d have to drag you back like your mother said she had to.”

“No, it’s — I’m fine,” Kate says, deflating at the mention of that rough Thanksgiving. She looks out the window as Dad buckles himself in and gets the car started.

As they start down the road towards the highway, he clears his throat. “So...Chloe, huh?”

Kate tenses up. “What about her?”

“I guess you just haven’t told us much about your friends,” he says with a nervous shrug, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. “How did you two meet?”

“She was…” Kate gulps. “She was stapling up missing posters for Rachel and started freaking out. Crying, and stuff. They were best friends before she died. I went over to...to help her.”

“That’s...very kind of you, Kate.” Her father pauses as they make a turn. “So this was before…”

“Yeah. She, she tried to find me, that night, but she was too late.” Kate sniffs. “But she helped, in other ways. In a lot of ways.”

“I see.” He hums under his breath, like he’s trying to decide something. “So are you two...close?”

The way he says it makes it obvious. He knows. Kate’s breath catches in her throat, but she keeps it steady. “Y-yeah, we are,” she murmurs. “We’ve, um, we’ve sorta been there for each other ever since it all went down. Nathan tried to get to her, too. He almost shot her.”

“Oh. That’s, that’s good. I’d like to meet her properly sometime.” He runs a hand through his hair. “You know I love you, Kate. I’ll support you. If there’s anything you need to tell me—”

“I’m, I’m not sure there’s anything to tell you about,” Kate rushes out, staring out the window and trying not to just burn up.

“All right. Just...I want you to know you can trust me. I know it might not seem that way, with the way your mother spoke to you.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I just want the best for you. Both of us do.”

“I know,” Kate says.

There’s silence in the car for a while, and then her father finally puts on some music. In time, Kate’s nerves calm, and she can relax into her seat and daydream about Chloe. What it might be like when she returns. What it might feel like to actually kiss her, on the lips. Sleeping in her bed again, Chloe’s arms around her waist, their legs entwined. Her chest buzzes pleasantly, and slowly, she stops thinking much at all.

She’s surprised to find herself in the driveway at home as her father shakes her awake. “Katie?” he asks, smiling. “Katie, honey, I know I’m dull, but I don’t think you died from boredom.”

Kate yawns, stretching out. “Sorry, I think I was just really tired. It’s been a long week.”

“I’m sure it has. Finals season is always a killer. Come on.”

After heading inside and getting the requisite huge hugs from her sisters, Kate is left blessedly alone in her room while dinner’s prepared, having unpacked even Alice into her nicer paddock out back. She falls back on her bed, closing her eyes and not trying particularly hard not to fall back to sleep. It’s easier to just float, right now. It’s less tense here than it was at Thanksgiving, but she’s still just exhausted from the day.

Then her phone buzzes.

_can we talk?_

Kate breathes out. She should’ve figured. Oh, God, she broke the rules and didn’t even really explain why. She thought she was being clear, sure Chloe would be happy, but she must’ve gotten so used to receiving mixed signals.

Besides, she supposes, she herself should just say what she wants, what her plans are, out loud. Make it real, for both of them. So she hits the call button, and waits.

“Kate?” Chloe says. She sounds tired.

“Hey, Chloe.” And there’s the problem, how does she start, what should she—

“So...what was that whole thing about at the end there? The kiss?” Chloe asks, and thank God she doesn’t have to actually start this.

“It was...it was me saying yes, Chloe.” Kate gulps. She keeps her voice down, hoping no one is snooping.

“To...what?”

“I—”

“Kate, I really…” Chloe takes in a sharp breath. “I really need to hear you say it.”

“I want to be with you,” Kate whispers. “For real.”

There’s a long silence on the other end of the line. “Chloe?” Kate asks. She can hear something faint in the background.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m here,” Chloe croaks, her voice wet. She sniffs. “S-sorry, just…”

She’s crying, Kate realizes, and she wishes she could be there with her to wipe away her tears. “Chloe, I mean it,” she says desperately. “I’m not—”

“What—what about your family?” Chloe asks, and boy is _that_ a question.

“I’m...not going to tell them. Right away. I don’t know when I might, and I’m sorry. I think my dad already knows, but…” Kate swallows. “If I got found out...I’d never leave you for them. I want to be safe, but you matter so much to me, and I want to stand up for myself too. Like you taught me.”

“Okay...okay. I can deal with that. I don’t like, need us to be Facebook official or anything or like, prom photos,” Chloe says with a sort of sad chuckle. “I just need to know that this...what’s between us, is real.”

“It is, Chloe. I know that now. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and research, and...and praying. And I know this is right.” Kate feels tears stinging at her own eyes. “All I want is to see you again. I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”

Chloe laughs again. “Well, you’re the one who waited till the last fuckin’ minute.”

“I know,” Kate sighs. “It just seemed romantic.”

“You’re so adorable.”

Kate giggles, covering her mouth so it won’t be obvious. “I’m sorry!” she says, trying to keep herself contained. “I just...I kinda panicked.”

“I get that. I really do.” Chloe sounds so much more relaxed than she has been in a long time. God, Kate wishes she was there with her. She wants to hold her, and kiss her, and show her how much she cares, how much she feels for her. “Is it...like, safe for you to talk right now?”

“Kinda. Everyone’s downstairs. We should be careful, though.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I don’t wanna fuck up your life.”

“You won’t,” Kate assures her softly. “This is my choice. I can handle...whatever comes out of it.”

“That’s...you got balls, Kate.”

Kate laughs, blushing at the first response that comes into her head. “I can assure you I don’t. I checked.”

“Oh, what’s this, you’re making dirty jokes back at me? I truly have corrupted the pure and innocent Kate Marsh.” Kate can just imagine her putting her hand to her chest, that mock-offended look on her face.

“Yes, it’s all your fault. You’re too pretty.”

“Flattery will get you...everywhere, my lady,” Chloe says, and _God_ Kate loves how she sounds when she’s happy.

Kate jumps when she hears a knock at the door, hoping she was quiet enough. “Katie, dinner!” her dad calls.

“I gotta go, Chloe,” Kate says softly. “But...this was nice. I’ll call you later, okay? Whenever I’m free.”

“Yeah.” Chloe lets out a happy sigh. “Thanks for talking Kate. And for everything.”

 

* * *

 

Chloe knows she’s being obnoxious.

She can’t help it. She’s chattier with her mom and her customers than she’s ever been, wakes up at 8 AM like some kind of fucking _adult_ , cooks dinner every other night at home, and hasn’t drank or smoked a thing in a week. Sometimes she looks at herself and wonders what went wrong. But, of course, she knows.

Her nightly talks with Kate keep her on schedule. It’s rare that they’re about anything important, mostly just brief chats about how their days went, but it gives Chloe a reason to be home and in bed in the evenings, and it’s easy to just go to sleep after they’re done.

They haven’t called each other _girlfriend_ yet, or said _I love you_ , yet what they have is so real, so _solid_ , that Chloe feels stable for the first time she can remember. Kate isn’t wavering. There’s no hesitation in her voice, no uncertainty in the way she speaks to Chloe. She hasn’t gone back on her word yet, and the way she speaks, Chloe’s sure she won’t.

Joyce notices instantly, and when Chloe tells her what’s up she gets a big hug and a congratulations. It’s nice, to know someone’s happy for her. Joyce even says that David won’t be here for Christmas, that she’ll visit him herself at his parents’ house and leave Chloe to her own devices. It sounds strangely pleasant, to be alone on Christmas for a while.

Chloe knows she’s basically just treading water, prepping for her test, waiting for Kate to come back, for the entirety of Christmas Break. Christmas comes and goes, a small exchange between Joyce and Chloe passing by — Joyce seems to know Chloe’s style of jewelry by now, which is nice — and then it’s right back to waiting.

Until the new year.

She and Kate had already marked midnight together, blowing kisses at each other over a Skype call. Kate, the little do-gooder, is already in bed, but Chloe’s still absentmindedly browsing in bed when the call comes. She doesn’t recognize the number, but curiosity wins, and she answers.

“ _Chloeeeeee_ ,” a familiar voice on the other end croons.

“Who...is this?” Chloe says, a smirk forming on her face. Whoever she is, she’s _drunk._

“Ohmigod you don’t even have me in your phone. Criminal.” The girl sighs. “Izme. Dana. Kate’s friend? Justin’s? Y’know?”

“Oh, shit, Dana!” Chloe laughs to herself. “What the hell are you calling me for? Haven’t seen you in like a year.”

“Everyone’s passing out ‘n this party is _boring_ now. ‘N you were always fun, and also, I wanna talk. To. You.” Chloe can just imagine Dana jabbing her finger at the phone with those last three words. It has been a while since she saw Dana. She always low-key liked the girl, but they ran in different circles, Dana only occasionally entering her space in the skatepark.

“About what?” Chloe asks.

“I’m Kate’s friend, remember? She talks about you. A lot. I dunno, this is a stupid drunkdial, whaddya want from me.”

Chloe chuckles. “Well, at least you’re honest. I’m not doing anything, where are ya?”

“Justin’s house. Y’know where that is?”

And Chloe’s struck with a sudden memory, Dana and her in the basement at Justin’s place, a brief kiss that left both of them breathless, but Chloe had run. Locked herself in the bathroom and pretended to throw up because that had made it all clear at the time, what she was, how she felt about Rachel. Nerves suddenly fire in her stomach. She doesn’t want to give the wrong impression. “This isn’t a booty call, right?”

“No!” Dana sounds righteously offended. “I said I wanna talk to you! Jeez!”

“Just checking,” Chloe says, smiling to herself. “You know how it is when all the girls want you.”

“You’re a delight. Now come over, kay? Or I’m gonna feel really stupid.”

“All right, all right, I remember where it is. See you soon, I guess.”

Chloe takes her sweet time getting dressed, figuring if Dana’s so invested in having her come over, she can wait while Chloe wakes herself back up. She steals a can of soda from the fridge on her way out for the caffeine, and drives the darkened streets singing softly along to one of Kate’s discs. She’s grown to like Kate’s music. It feels soothing, even when she’s not here.

When she reaches Justin’s place, she finds that it is surrounded by cars all up and down the street, the lights still on in the lower windows. Once she finds a parking spot, she heads inside, finding the front door unlocked. She finds Justin in the kitchen and gives him a high-five, asks after Dana, and is pointed to the backyard, so that’s where she goes, grabbing a beer on the way out. Not planning to get wasted, but fuck, it _is_ New Year’s.

Dana, she finds lounging out in a lawn chair on the porch, alone save for the pipe in her hand. She smiles as Chloe approaches, taking her feet off the other lawn chair and making room for her to sit down. “You actually came!” she says happily. “Cool. Coolcool.”

“Jesus, Dana, how much have you had?” Chloe prods, raising her eyebrows at her.

“I have not thrown up,” Dana says, holding up a finger proudly. “And, I haven’t had a drink since I called you, so there.”

“I’m very impressed,” Chloe says. “So why—”

“I guess I was just thinkin’ about Kate,” Dana blurts out, leaning back into her chair. “Y’know, she and I, we’ve gotten kinda close lately? Like, with the VC basically disbanding, and stuff, we just hang out and study a lot, and she talks about you like all the time, and I was like, hey, I should be friends with you too.”

“...I see,” Chloe says, smirking now. This is kind of cute.

“Plus I wanted to talk to you about something.” There’s a glimmer in Dana’s eye. “So, like, she told me what happened over Thanksgiving break.”

Chloe clenches her teeth. “Yyyeah, that wasn’t great.”

“I know you guys made up and all. But, like… Hold on.” Dana takes a moment to hit her pipe, then passes it to Chloe, who shrugs and takes a hit herself. “So,” Dana wheezes, voice tight as smoke puffs out of her mouth, “She keeps asking me about gay stuff. Like, constantly.”

Chloe snorts. “Oh, really?”

“I mention I’m bi to her _once_ and I’m suddenly a repository of knowledge.” Dana giggles to herself. “Sometimes she’s basically just talking out loud about stuff she read on the internet about, like, being gay and Christian, other times it’s just flat-out asking me, ‘Dana, why are you bisexual?’” She starts laughing, then coughing.

“She didn’t ask you how two girls have sex, did she?” Chloe says with a laugh.

“Not yet, but, God, I think she’s getting there.” Dana swallows spit to keep herself from coughing again as Chloe takes another hit. “I think she’s really working on something.”

And Chloe suddenly realizes what’s going on, and feels _incredibly_ smug. “And what’s that?” she says, deciding to draw this out a little longer.

“I _think_ ,” Dana says, “She’s starting to figure out she likes girls, and she wants to be with one. A very particular one.” 

“You?” Chloe teases.

“No! Nonono! I mean, yeah, I had like a tiny crush on her because who wouldn’t honestly, but she’s asking me this stuff ‘cuz she’s after someone else. Someone closer.” Dana leans towards Chloe. “Someone who told her specifically not to talk to her about this kinda stuff.”

Chloe passes the pipe back to Dana and crosses her arms, raising one eyebrow at her. “What are you trying to say?”

“I just think, you know, I want her to be happy, and it seems like she’s really into you but she won’t say, and, like, I just think you guys should be dating already!” Dana blurts out.

“I mean, that’s why we are,” Chloe says.

“And I know she’s scared so I figure you should be careful but—” Dana pauses midsentence. “Wait, huh?”

“You can keep a secret, right? She doesn’t want it getting out.”

“Oh my God!” Dana squeals, leaping up out of her chair to hug Chloe tightly. “Congratulations!”

“This isn’t very secretive, Dana,” Chloe warns.

“Oh, come on, my best friend is _Juliet Watson,_ I know how to keep stuff from getting out,” Dana says as she pulls away, waving the hand with the pipe in it and spreading ash everywhere. “She didn’t tell me at all.”

“That’s because she started it literally one second before she left for break,” Chloe informs her.

“Chloe.” Dana puts her hands on Chloe’s shoulder, spreading black dust down her top. “You need. To tell me. Everything.”

“All righty, thirsty,” Chloe says, gently taking Dana’s hands off of her. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains references to ["The Worst Part"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10539279) because I just can't help myself.


	16. Proverbs 21:23

Kate’s heart nearly stops when she checks her phone.

**Dana:**

_omg kate congratulations!!!!!!_

_your so cute together omg shes totally in love with you_

_dont worry i wont tell any1_

The timestamps are early, two in the morning. Kate bites her lip. She doesn’t want these on her phone. What if her parents go through it? She doesn’t _know_ that they do, but last time she was here, her phone moved from where she left it once, when she’d been watching a movie with her sisters. And Chloe told Dana? Why? She wouldn’t betray her trust so quickly, would she?

Kate resolves to solve this problem, right now. She calls Dana. And again, when she fails to pick up. This time, Dana answers with a “Hngkate?”

“Dana,” Kate says, then drops her voice to a whisper. “You can’t send me messages like that while I’m home.”

“Wha? What—oh, shit.” Kate hears shuffling covers. “Shit, sorry, Kate, I was just really excited, and drunk, I didn’t think…I won’t anymore, I swear. Lips are completely sealed.”

“Why did Chloe tell you?” Kate asks, trying to keep her voice level.

“Oh, fuck. Look, she didn’t — I kinda bullied her into it. I called her up when I was drunk and she came to the party and I was really trying to, just, edge her into getting with you, and then she had to tell me so I’d shut up.”

“Oh.” Kate breathes a sigh of relief.

“She wasn’t just running around telling everyone, I swear. Only I know. Because...you _were_ being kinda obvious with me, Kate.”

Kate’s face feels hot. Dammit. She’s _really_ not as sneaky as she wants to be. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “I shouldn’t have woken you up.”

“No, Kate, it’s cool. I’ll be more careful. I guess this is more serious than I thought for you, huh?”

“I just...I don’t know what’ll happen if my family finds out. And I’m really scared. Some day, I want to stop hiding. But I need to be safe first.” Kate swallows, thinking of what her mother might do if she found out. Pull her from Blackwell, at the least. Take her phone away. Make her attend college close to home, or send her to a convent, even. The little freedom she’s earned with good behavior and repentance could be stripped away in a moment’s notice. She has to step carefully.

“Okay. Hey, Kate...if anything does happen, let me know, okay? You don’t have to live with them if they hate you. I’m sure my mom or Chloe’s would help you out.”

Something cracks in Kate’s chest. “I...thank you. I don’t think it’ll come to that, but thank you.” She sniffs, trying to steady herself. “Okay, I think I should get off now. Breakfast will be ready soon. We can talk more when I’m back in town, okay?”

“Sounds good. And, just so you know, I am seriously happy for you two. You make a really cute couple.”

Kate smiles to herself. “Thanks, Dana. See you later.”

“See you!”

Kate hangs up the phone and quickly deletes the conversation with Dana. With that secured, she lets loose a sigh, and gets on with the remainder of this Christmas break.

While she’s been catching her father looking at her with concern over the break, and her mother’s occasional passive-aggressive comments, no big argument is held at the end of it all. She goes back to Blackwell with little fanfare, riding back with her father again.

After they’ve dropped the last of Kate’s things in her dorm, he lingers for a moment, looking her over. He gives her a strong hug all of a sudden, squeezing her tight to his chest.

“Have a good semester this time, okay?” he asks, pulling back and keeping his hands on her shoulders. “I worry about you.”

“I’ll be okay, Dad,” she assures him.

“I suppose if you have Chloe taking care of you, you might very well be.” The way he says her name is always hesitant. Always makes Kate’s defenses prick up.

“I’m taking care of myself,” she says, feeling a tinge of annoyance. She wishes he would trust her and drop this, stop trying to intrude. She’ll tell him when she’s _ready._ “I’m sure Dana and Alyssa want to catch me up too.”

“Right.” He pulls away, looking nervous. “You should talk to me more about your friends, sometime. I was worried you were all alone here for a while.”

“I’m sorry,” Kate murmurs. “It didn’t seem very important.”

“It’s all right, sweetie.” He leans in and gives her one more hug. “We’ll see you at Spring Break, right?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“All right. Good luck, Kate! Study hard.” He leaves with dorky sort of wave as he exits her sight, and Kate finally relaxes, sinking into her bed. She can breathe, finally. The first thing she does is text Chloe.

**Me:**

_I’m back in town! When can you come and see me?_

**Chloe:** **  
** _hold on a sec getting my boots on JEEZ_

Kate giggles to herself. Chloe can be such a _dork._ She can’t wait for—

Dana pokes her head into the doorframe. “Is that a Kate giggle I hear?” she asks, smiling.

Kate smiles. “It is,” she confirms. “Come on, come in!” she urges, gesturing towards herself.

Dana cheerfully hops into the room, closes the door behind her, and then lifts Kate off her feet for a remarkably strong hug. “I’m so happy for you!” she squeals, squeezing Kate half to death.

Kate laughs as she’s set down. “I’d gathered that already.”

“Sorry if I’m coming on kinda strong, I just saw the way you’ve been, like, questioning over the past couple months and I was really rooting for you, you know?” Dana runs a nervous hand through her hair. “It’s nice, you know. To see other people like you, being happy.”

Kate chuckles as she sits down. “If you say so. I haven’t seen any around lately, besides you.”

“And I’m dating Trevor — and I like Trevor! — it’s just, I don’t know. The first time I came out went…” Dana’s face twists up as she takes Kate’s desk chair. “Poorly.”

Kate raises her eyebrows. “What do you mean? Was it really bad?”

“More cringey and super embarrassing. I told Juliet, plus I also had kind of a thing for her which she picked up on right away and kinda went ‘ew, gross’ about, and then she spent the next six months trying to hook me up with every girl in school until we had this big fight about her maybe not doing that anymore.” Dana pinches her brow. “Ugh. Sophomore year. Disaster zone.”

Kate giggles. “Well, at least you’re out of it now.”

“Yeah, we made up and all. It’s also just kinda nice to have someone I can talk to about it, y’know? I’ve actually been hanging out with Chloe a little since New Year’s, me and Juliet. She’s fun! And I can tell she’s happy to get out of the house once in a while.”

Kate smiles. Dana’s a better friend than she’d have ever expected after October. “She’s been alone for a while, I think,” Kate says softly. “She could use some friends besides me.”

“She definitely split from just about everyone after she got expelled. Justin and Trevor used to hang with her, but not after that. Then Rachel went missing and she’s just here every day stapling up posters…” Dana sighs. “God. All this shit’s sucked for us. But hey, we still got one semester left, right?”

“Yeah.” Only one semester. It hardly seems like enough time with Chloe. Kate wishes it could go on forever. “We’ll make it a good one.”

“Got a good feeling, huh?” Dana cracks a smile. “I’ll trust in that.”

Just as Kate’s about to tell her not to trust Kate’s instincts too much on anything, her phone buzzes, _here_ flashing on the screen. “Chloe,” Kate offers as a way of explanation.

“I should get out of here, huh?” Dana says with a grin. “Leave you two lovebirds alone?”

Kate blushes, but… “Well, if you don’t mind it…”

“Say hi for me!” she says, and just as quickly as she arrived she practically bounces out of the room, heading for her own down the hall as Kate gets up and follows. They wave a quick goodbye to each other just before Kate reaches the doors.

As she pushes her way out, she finds herself attacked from the side by Chloe’s strong arms. “Teen violence!” Chloe shouts as Kate squeals, kicking uselessly in her grasp. Then Chloe turns her around, and they’re face-to-face, and _oh._ They’re much closer than they’ve been in a good while, and Kate can’t take her eyes off of Chloe’s lips.

“Uh, Earth to Kate?” Chloe says, laughter in those blue eyes. Kate’s blushing. Oh well. It’s to be expected. She buries her face in Chloe’s chest and hugs her tight.

“I missed you,” she sighs, feeling Chloe’s hand come up to tickle her neck. How can such a simple touch feel so nice?

“Same here, you little do-gooder.” Chloe’s voice has softened in a way that Kate has come to very much appreciate. She just wants to stay in Chloe’s arms forever. But they should move. Be less obvious.

“Come on,” Kate says softly. She almost reaches down for Chloe’s hand, but stops herself. There’s time for that in private. And another thing she very much wants to try.

Chloe stays by her side the whole walk down the hall, fidgeting and clearly eager to put her long legs to use, but she moderates her pace for Kate.

Chloe closes the door shut behind her as Kate enters the room and turns around. “So, Kate—”

Kate grabs her by the collar, just like before, standing on her tiptoes to meet Chloe’s lips.

_Goodness._

It’s not that she tastes good, but she _feels_ good, the chapped texture of her lips against Kate, still cold from the January air. Kate feels a pleasant chill run through her body, passing through her stomach and setting it fluttering. Chloe parts her lips slightly, letting Kate take her upper lip between her own, tasting her. She pulls back when she’s not sure what to do next, breathless. She’s still holding onto Chloe’s collar.

“Okay,” Chloe breathes, smiling wide.

Kate lets go of her, suddenly slightly self-conscious of her own aggression. “Sorry,” she says, looking away despite her own smile breaking out against her will. “I just really wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted to before and I wanted to know if it would really…”

“Hey, I’m not complaining,” Chloe says, turning her head back to face her. “So...out of curiosity, was it when—”

“Just before I left for break,” Kate says, spilling out of her, a secret too long kept. “When you took me out to stargaze, and we hugged…”

Chloe smirks. “Called it.” Before Kate can object, Chloe pecks her on the lips, and she shivers. “I mean, I felt it too,” she says, interrupting Kate’s stammering.

Kate feels some kind of relief sweep through her. None of it was imagined, none of it was just from her. She knew that, but hearing Chloe talk like this makes it feel more real. She hugs Chloe again, eagerly, wondering how it’d feel to kiss her again, if it’d be different than the first time. She’ll find out, she decides. Soon.

Chloe runs her fingers through Kate’s hair. “So, what now? Stick around here, cuddle, watch a movie?”

“That sounds perfect,” Kate sighs. Especially the cuddling part. She’s really missed that and Chloe is so tall and her arm would wrap perfectly around Kate’s shoulders.

“Then let’s do it. I got all day.”

 

* * *

 

Chloe’s never felt so relaxed.

The first two weeks are perfect. Safe. _Stable._ Something Chloe hasn’t had in a long time. Routine becomes easy, and there’s no lingering uncertainty about the nature of their relationship. She pays rent to Mom, works her shifts, does her studies, finds time to hang out with Kate whenever she can.

And, God, Kate. Chloe had imagined what it’d be like, if they were actually dating, but it pales to the reality of it all. Without the specter of doubt hanging over them, all of Kate’s little affections make her light up, make her feel so warm and safe and really appreciated. It’s different from the way Rachel made her feel, all nerves and excitement and stuttering deflections. Chloe wonders to herself sometimes, if there’s just a lot of different ways to be in love, if different kinds come from different girls. That’s the kind of sappy shit she’s thinking about these days.

Kate, reaching across the table and holding her hand in the corner booth at the Two Whales, a hidden gesture. Kate bringing out her sketchbook as Chloe lies on her bed with Alice on her chest, drawing Chloe with a steady hand, eyes crawling across her body, appreciative, glimmering. Kate snuggling under Chloe’s arm as they watch a movie together, drumming her fingers on Chloe’s stomach. The little humming noise she makes whenever they get closer while cuddling, or when they hug. And, _God,_ the kisses.

Kate kisses so differently from Rachel. No teeth, for one thing, but no urgency at all, really. It always feels to Chloe like time’s stopped when their lips meet, and only Kate can decide when it starts again. There are times when Kate puts her hands on Chloe’s waist, leans in further like she’s going to push, but she always stops herself. Chloe always finds herself wishing she wouldn’t, and then wanting to slap herself for that wish. At Kate’s speed. No faster.

Which is why she has to ask a couple of clarifying questions when Kate invites her out to the movies — with her friends.

“So, am I going as, like, your date, or…?” she asks, twirling a strand of hair around her finger. It’s getting long. She should really get to cutting it and dyeing it again, but Rachel was always the one doing that with her before.

“Not exactly,” Kate admits, her voice quiet over the phone.

Chloe puts her feet up on the desk. “So no cuddling, then? Like, I’m cool with it, I’m down to hang, but I wanna know the rules.”

“Y-yeah. Same rules as...as before. I’m sorry, Chloe, I wish I could—”

“Kate, relax. I know.” Chloe sighs. “It wasn’t always the greatest being _the lesbian_ at school. If you wanna avoid that, it’s okay. Like…I know this isn’t perfect. It doesn’t have to be. I just have to know you really do want me.”

“I do.” Chloe shivers at the way she says that. “I just want to have you around more often, I guess. Not keep you as some kind of secret even if we are keeping a secret. If that makes any sense.”

“I gotcha. So what’s the plan?”

“We’re gonna go see the new Hobbit movie, then go out for ice cream. Stella usually drives us, but Dana wants to come too.”

“How about I drive everyone? People can pile in the back.”

Chloe can hear the smile in Kate’s voice. “Now that’ll be a way for you to show up.”

“Right? Everyone’s impressed by my sexy beast of a truck.”

“No comment, Chloe.”

A time is set, and in short order Chloe’s driving down to Blackwell, blasting music out of her windows and a smile on her face. There’s a certain level of power in being the driver and she intends to take it for all it’s worth. If she can’t kiss her girlfriend, she can at least embarrass her.

She pulls up to see her crowd waiting in the parking lot. The big girl with the purple in her hair raises her eyebrows at her as she shouts out the window, “Come on, losers!” Kate turns bright red, while Dana breaks out in a wide smile and the smaller girl with the glasses just looks confused. So far, so good.

Chloe turns her music down as Kate runs up to the passenger side and slides in beside Chloe. Purple-hair follows shortly afterward, reaching a hand over Kate’s chest for Chloe to shake. “Sup. I’m Alyssa,” she informs Chloe.

“Cool. So, Alyssa, I’m driving getaway. If you look under your seat, there’s a shotgun—”

“Chloe!” Kate says, giggling and batting at her shoulder.

“Now, obviously, Kate’s our fake hostage, so—”

“And Stella’s gonna be cracking the safe, right?” Alyssa adds, smiling deviously. “Kate, I like this chick.”

“Now _that’s_ the spirit!”

“You guys,” Kate whines, casting an accusing glare at Alyssa.

“Just screwing with you, Kate. Look, they love me already.” Chloe pokes her head out the window at the two riding in the back. “Hey, you two good back there?”

“Fine!” Dana calls. “But we’re gonna be late!”

“Right, yeah, actually going to places on time.” Chloe shifts the truck out of park, and Alyssa turns up the stereo.

“What? I like Green Day,” she says after Chloe gives her a raised eyebrow of her own.

Chloe likes this chick, too.

Kate leans against Chloe’s shoulder the whole way, which earns an interested look from Alyssa, but no further comment. She does the same in the movie theater, and because they’re against the wall, Kate is even bold enough to take her hand in the dark.

As they walk out of the showing towards the bathrooms, Chloe remarks, “Jesus Christ, that was long. And that stupid-ass cliffhanger. I’m so just pirating the next one.”

“At least Evangeline Lilly is hot,” Alyssa says nonchalantly. Kate’s eyes widen, darting to Alyssa and then straight ahead again, biting her lip.

Chloe chuffs, giving Alyssa a quick look. “Eh. Overrated.”

“No accounting for taste,” Alyssa says with a shrug as she heads in.

Chloe’s the first one out of the theatre, leaning up against the outside wall and taking the opportunity for a smoke break. Alyssa comes out next, posting up beside her and bumming one off of her.

“So,” Alyssa begins. “Just made a bet with Stella.”

“And what’s that?” Chloe asks, though she’s got a feeling. She takes a drag off her cigarette, thinking.

“Twenty bucks says Kate’s gay.”

Chloe coughs. Alyssa grins. “Not a super cool thing to make bets about,” Chloe manages after a couple of breaths.

Alyssa shrugs. “Not like we’re gonna spread shit around. Girl has enough rumors following her. But seriously, the way she hangs off you, it’s adorable.”

“Alyssa,” Chloe warns. “I’m not getting into this with you. Drop it.”

“Oh, shit, you two are dating already.” Alyssa holds up a hand. “Don’t worry, seriously—”

“I’m her friend and the one who’s been there for her since that shithead drugged her. So, yeah, I’m kinda protective. Only I get to mess with her.”

“Yeah, I got you. Subject closed. And, like...thanks, you know. I sorta dropped the ball on that. I’m glad she had you.” Alyssa takes a quick drag off her cigarette to end the awkward moment where she dropped her persona for a bit. Chloe decides she needs to keep an eye on this one.

The others join them (once Chloe lets them know where they actually are) and a quick trip to Dairy Queen settles the need for ice cream. Stella takes the seat beside Kate this time. She’s a quiet girl, but rather sharp, complaining about her _own_ problems with the movie at length and with great eloquence. If she’s looking for signs of Kate’s sexuality, she’s a lot more subtle about it than Alyssa.

Kate lingers in Chloe’s truck after they head back to Blackwell. “It...would probably be pretty suspicious if I just went over to your place, huh. Or if you stayed here,” she says quietly.

“Up to you. How suspicious do you wanna be?” Chloe asks, smiling at her. While this whole hiding thing is a pain in the ass, there’s something to be said about just how often Kate is _already_ trying to push her luck.

Kate makes a little frustrated noise, checking outside to see if anyone’s watching her. It looks like they’re all headed out towards the dorms. “I’ll go home. Alone,” she says, as if attempting to convince herself. “But—”

She throws her arms around Chloe, hugging her tight. “They really like you,” she says. “Thank you so much.”

“Anytime, Kate.”

Kate gets out and then stands in the lot, watching Chloe leave and waving furiously. Chloe laughs to herself.

So it’s an open secret. That’s enough to keep Kate’s nerves at bay, and more than enough to satisfy Chloe.

One day, she’ll get to kiss Kate goodbye, and it won’t matter who’s watching.


	17. Luke 12:2

They know.

It’s in the way Alyssa and Stella talk about Chloe. The way they shoot glances at each other, the way her name is always said with a second of hesitation. Neither of them speak openly about it, not even the light teasing she might expect from Alyssa. But they _know._ Whenever Alyssa asks if Kate wants Chloe to join them for anything, it’s always there, unspoken, like they’re asking if her girlfriend will be there, and that _is_ exactly what they’re doing, and it’s weird.

Kate tries to dial back. Chloe doesn’t come to _everything_ they do together. Kate doesn’t hug her in public, or lay on her shoulder, or do all the things she wants to do when she’s with Chloe. She never posts a picture of herself with Chloe on Facebook, never leaves her sketchbook with sketches of Chloe in it where anyone can find it. She’s careful. She should be safe.

But she doesn’t feel safe.

She’s never had a secret like this, a part of her life she can’t just talk about. The more she tries to ignore it, the more it feels like it’s surfacing, the more she can’t stop thinking about it. The more it seems like everything’s related to it. Like the weird look Taylor gives her in the halls one morning as she lets Chloe out of her room. The way Victoria pointedly _doesn’t_ look at her, so different from her old methodology of just glaring her down any time they were in the same room together. But the final eggshell that cracks beneath her is when Juliet sits down next to her at lunch.

She’s alone today, a rarity, but Dana’s doing Photography homework for the new teacher because she forgot until the last minute, and Stella and Alyssa are doing a partner project together, and Chloe’s working through the lunch hour. It feels strange, now, to be isolated, but she usually finds it brings her a measure of peace. But then Juliet plops down next to her at the table.

“Kate!” she says cheerily. “Long time no see, girl. How are you?”

“Uh,” Kate replies, because when _did_ they last have a conversation? September? Early October? Dana was more the one making friendship overtures at the beginning of school, not—

“I just wanted to check in on you, since Dana’s spending a lot of time with you lately and not, like, with me,” Juliet says.

_Ah._

Kate supposes this had to happen sometime. Dana’s mentioned the rift between the two of them growing since the end of the Vortex Club. Kate _has_ been stealing Juliet’s BFF. She takes a breath and relaxes.

“Yeah, we’ve gotten close. After I came back from Christmas break, we sorta reconnected.”

“Hm.” Juliet taps her nail against her chin. She still hasn’t touched her tray. “So, like, really, how are you after all that stuff back in October? I was gonna send you an interview request back then but Dana warned me off, said it wasn’t exactly me being sensitive.”

“So is this an interview now?” Kate asks, eyeing her suspiciously.

“No, no, this isn’t on the record, just — look.” Juliet sighs. “We haven’t been talking much lately and I kinda miss her. She doesn’t tell me anything about you. I dunno. I feel like she’s keeping stuff from me and she never used to do that.”

Kate starts to feel tension building in her spine. She tries to eat faster just in case she needs to make a quick escape.

“I guess I’m trying to test the waters,” Juliet admits. “See how she’s been, too.”

“We’re both doing okay,” Kate answers. “You know, we didn’t talk for a while either. Both of us went through some stuff in October. She felt really guilty for inviting me to that party and then not showing up.”

Juliet hisses through her teeth. “Yeaaaah, I remember her saying that. She and Trevor kinda disappeared into each other for a while. By the way, did they like...break up?”

“What?” Kate raises her eyebrows. “No? Not that she told me anyway.”

“Huh, okay. There goes that theory.”

“Theory?” Kate freezes in place. At least her plate is empty. Thank God.

“Well, you know Dana’s bi, right,” Juliet says, like it’s nothing, and Kate’s calculating escape routes, trying to figure out how to get out of this conversation right now. “And like, you were kinda giving me vibes too? But maybe that’s just ‘cuz you were hanging out with Chloe and that girl just kinda spreads ‘em around—”

“This is really rude,” Kate interrupts.

“I—”

“Did you really just come over to ask if me and Dana were in a secret lesbian relationship?” Kate continues, looking her in the eye. She still feels the tremors in her body, still wants to just run, but she knows how Chloe would handle this, and how she wants to handle it. “Dana told me how you handled it when she came out. She wasn’t very happy about it. I can see why now.”

“Kate—”

“Maybe this is why she isn’t talking to you much anymore, because whenever you think you know something you run around telling everyone about it even if it’s really sensitive.” Kate stands, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “Leave me alone. Talk to her if you want to know what’s going on between you. I’m going.”

She turns on her heels and leaves the cafeteria, not waiting to hear Juliet’s response. So Juliet was off the mark, but not totally, and then she _had_ to mention Chloe, and that means if she paid more attention…

When she gets to her room, she closes the door behind her and breathes. She only has ten minutes before the next class. She has to calm down, _needs_ to calm down. She can feel it threatening to spill over, and remembers Chloe’s word and her lessons and clamps it back down. Not here, not now, don’t show it. Gather yourself. Text Chloe. You need to talk to her after class today, and you know it.

It’s a simple text, just _Can we hang out at your house today?_ but it gets an immediate _hell ya_ back and that’s all it takes for Kate to slow down entirely, to compartmentalize.

The anxiety eats away at her all day. But she won’t let it in until _she_ decides it’s time to deal with it.

 

* * *

 

When Chloe pulls up in the Blackwell lot, she finds Kate standing with her hands folded, staring down, overnight bag clutched tight. Chloe unlocks the doors and reaches over to unroll the window, shouting her name. Kate looks up, then quickly runs up to the truck and hops in, slamming the door behind her and buckling in. She keeps her eyes fixed on the dashboard as Chloe puts the car back in gear and starts heading out.

“You okay, Kate?” Chloe asks after a minute of silence.

“Not really,” Kate murmurs. “I need a couple minutes. We can talk when...when we’re safe.”

“We’re safe right now,” Chloe points out. “Nobody can hear us in here.”

“When I feel safe, then.”

Chloe reaches over and touches her shoulder as they stop at a red light. “All right,” she says softly, and thankfully Kate leans into her touch, so maybe things aren’t too bad.

The drive home is quiet. They head up the stairs together, into Chloe’s room, and Kate dumps her overnight bag on the floor, breathing hard. Chloe takes off her shoes and takes a seat on her bed, relaxing against the wall, waiting. In a moment, Kate kicks off her flats and crawls up to her, then turns around, resting her back against Chloe’s chest, Chloe’s legs wrapped around her. She sighs, relaxing as Chloe’s arms circle her waist, closing her eyes.

After a few moments, Chloe decides she’s going to help Kate relax even more. She draws herself up so she can see, then moves her hands into Kate’s bun. Kate lets out a small gasp as Chloe’s fingers work across her scalp, gently undoing her hair until it falls across her shoulders. Kate makes a small, contented noise, humming as Chloe runs her fingers through her long blonde hair, fluffing it out. God, she’s unfairly pretty.

They eventually settle back into having Chloe’s arms around Kate’s waist, Kate nearly falling asleep there.

“So what’s up?” Chloe asks, gently squeezing her.

Kate rubs at her eyes. “Juliet tried to interrogate me today.”

“...about what?”

“She thought me and Dana were seeing each other behind her back.”

Chloe snorts. “Incredible investigative skills as always, Jules.”

Kate chuckles, and Chloe’s grateful. Anything to show she’s not about to have an attack. “I guess it is kind of funny,” Kate concedes. “But it...it freaked me out. I think I’m still freaking out.”

Chloe waits for her to talk, holding her tight and strong against her chest. Kate makes a few false starts, but then, “It feels like everyone knows. That I’m gay, I mean. The way Alyssa and Stella look at me, Dana already knows, Dad keeps making these little weird comments, it’s…” She gulps. “I want something to just be _mine._ I don’t want everyone to, to know, and spread rumors, and judge me for it, I just want you, I can’t have everyone talking about me again.” Kate sniffs.

“I...know what that’s like,” Chloe says quietly. “It felt like the whole school knew it before _I_ even did. Like, before I even realized how I was...feeling about Max. People started trying to bully me instead of her. Didn’t go good for them.”

Kate laughs. “I’m sure it didn’t. But, just…” She swallows. “I’m scared. I’m really scared.” She tenses up in Chloe’s grip, and Chloe takes in a sharp breath, hoping she won’t cry, she can’t stand to see Kate cry. “I, I keep thinking, what if someone says something, what if it gets back to my mom and, and I won’t have any control over what happens then, I know I’m not supposed to be here right now…” Kate wipes at her eyes. “I hate this. I hate keeping a secret. And I know I, I have to, for a long time, until I’m safe.”

A pang of guilt strikes Chloe’s chest. “...We can stop,” she offers, though the words burn her tongue. “Listen, I’ll understand if—”

“No.”

Chloe shudders. Hearing Kate being so certain always does that to her.

“I’m not giving you up for anything.” Kate’s voice grows stronger with each word. “I won’t let someone else take you from me. I’m just not.” She lets out a sigh. “I knew that. I just needed to be here with you, so I’d remember why.”

She turns over and kisses Chloe softly. When they open their eyes, Chloe’s transfixed. It’s just...everything about her, sometimes. It’s hard to believe she actually gets to have her.

“Chloe! Dinner!” Joyce calls from downstairs, and both of them start, Kate falling back on her ass between Chloe’s legs. They look at each other for a moment, then fall into a giggling fit, Chloe surging forward and hugging her fiercely. Then Chloe’s on top of her and they’re kissing again, Kate’s hand moving to the back of Chloe’s neck, a soft contented moan escaping Kate.

Joyce pounds on the door. “Chloe, did you hear me?”

Chloe lifts herself off Kate, who’s still giggling. “Yeah, sorry!”

“Do we have a guest?” Joyce inquires. “Kate, honey, you in there?”

“Yes, Mrs. Madsen,” Kate calls, smiling wide, still beneath Chloe. Chloe still cringes when she calls Mom that.

“Good thing I always make enough for leftovers, then. Come down when you’re ready.”

As Joyce thumps down the stairs, Chloe rolls off Kate, still smiling.

“Wow,” Kate murmurs, still on her back, looking into the ceiling, a grin across her features.

“That good, huh?” Chloe asks, raising an eyebrow.

“It just reminds me why I do this.” Kate finally swings her legs over the side of the bed, stretching. She sighs happily. “Anyway. Let’s go eat.”

Joyce is very accommodating, chatting away, teasing lightly about hearing them giggle through the door. It’s an easy, fun dinner, and Chloe’s so grateful that this really can happen here. It’s amazing how long David’s been out of the house. It really feels like she has a home here again.

After dinner and dishes, Chloe and Kate head back up into Chloe’s room, and since it’s Chloe’s turn, they get to watch _Predator._ Kate nestles in happily under Chloe’s arm as they watch, fingers drumming on Chloe’s chest.

Chloe still keeps her bra on when they change into pajamas. It’s not time to scandalize Kate _just_ yet.

Kate happily snuggles into Chloe’s arms again, burying her face beneath Chloe’s chin. There’s quiet for a few moments between them, but Chloe feels the need to finish what they were talking about, before.

“It’s not gonna get back to your mom, even if the whole school knows,” Chloe tells her. “Nobody’s gonna post anything about you online where she can see. It’s not like you just have an open Facebook wall or anything.”

Kate lets out an “mhm.” She plants a small, soft kiss to the hollow of her throat, setting little fires across Chloe’s skin.

“Thank you,” she whispers. “For being here for me.”

“Isn’t that what a girlfriend’s for?” Chloe asks. She feels it when they both tense up. Neither of them have used that word yet, not out loud. But then Kate relaxes again. She hugs Chloe tight.

“Yeah,” she breathes. “I guess so.”

Chloe sleeps very well that night.


	18. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Chloe is so beautiful.

That’s Kate’s first thought when she wakes up in the morning, when she turns over and sees Chloe starfished beside her. The covers have almost entirely slipped off of her, leaving Kate with far too many. Chloe’s bare legs beneath her shorts draw Kate’s eye, bringing a flush to her cheeks.

She thinks of yesterday, Chloe on top of her, the long kisses they’d shared, the way Chloe had keened when Kate’s hand brushed her spine. Her breath is shallow as she recalls the sensation in her lower body, the pleasant sinking of her gut, the tingles down her back. _Wow_ indeed.

She gently reaches out, stroking Chloe’s arm. The light, soft hairs spring back under her touch. She wonders, for a moment, what it’d be like to reverse those positions. To be on top of Chloe. Her heart beats faster at the thought. She _wants_ to. To hold Chloe in her control like that, to make Chloe _hers._

Chloe lets out a groan, startling Kate out of her fantasy for a moment. Her eyes open slowly, groggily, as she looks over at Kate.

“Hey, Kate-kat,” she murmurs, tickling the underside of Kate’s arm with her fingers.  Kate giggles, her blush growing stronger as she returns to the thoughts of a minute ago. Why not just...start? See how it feels?

She leans over Chloe and kisses her once. “Good morning,” she whispers, drawing her fingers down the side of Chloe’s neck. The soft noise Chloe lets out, the way she _shivers._ God.

Chloe doesn’t have a chance to respond — probably something goofy and sarcastic and wonderful like always — before Kate kisses her again, lips sliding over each other, Kate experimenting with her mouth to see what she can do without hurting her. Sucking on Chloe’s lower lip seems to bring forth quite the reaction, especially when they separate and Kate drags that lip out until it can go no further, releasing it with a soft, wet _pop._ “Kate,” Chloe breathes, reaching up for her. But Kate has to adjust herself first, not just leaning over, so she repositions herself on her knees, Chloe’s prone leg between hers. Chloe’s hands travel up her sides, and when Kate leans down again she grips tight.

Kate knows that you can use your tongue to kiss, she’s heard about it, hasn’t tried it yet. The first tentative swipe across Chloe’s lips draws out a gasp, and then she responds with her own and Kate lets out an involuntary noise herself, mewling into Chloe’s mouth. Air hisses out her nose as they kiss, heart pounding, Chloe’s nails digging into her side, setting her ablaze.

They separate, just for a moment, and then Kate decides she wants to keep kissing Chloe but not on the mouth, so she pecks a line down from her lips to her chin to her neck. She finds a spot that makes Chloe’s body clench up beneath her with the slightest brush. So she seals her lips on it, sucks, harder this time.

“Aah, _Kate,_ ” Chloe whines, one hand reaching up and landing on Kate’s back, pushing her closer. Kate’s head is on fire, that lower-body sensation returning, and her stomach flips as she realizes, consciously, that she’s _wet_. She immediately wonders if Chloe feels the same thing, if her body’s responding like this, and it’s too much. Nerves strike her lungs, deprive her of air, but she’s still on top of Chloe, still tasting her. Her heart thrums against her ribcage, arms shaking as she holds herself up.

And then, with a flick of her tongue against that spot, Chloe jolts, her leg tensing up beneath Kate and her knee right up against her, between her legs. The sudden contact, even through two layers, is enough to make Kate gasp and arch her back, mind blanking, teeth cutting into her lower lip. She closes her eyes, frozen, and her hips want to move, grind down on Chloe, feed this desire, but another part of her says she needs to stop, right now, whatever this is, she’s not ready for it.

She finally lets out her breath, not sure when she began holding it. Chloe hasn’t moved, but her eyes have opened, looking into her own, questioning, fearful. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to...” Chloe stammers, but Kate’s breathing now, it’s okay. She lays herself flat across Chloe, and Chloe lowers her leg along with her. Kate nestles into her shoulder, still breathing heavily. Chloe’s panting herself, and that brings back some of what Kate felt earlier, but less intense, deeper within her.

Kate lets out a sigh. “Woah,” she murmurs. She swallows. “Uh…”

Chloe smacks her lips together. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Kate says, the word shuddering as it leaves her mouth. “Yeah, I’m, I’m okay.”

“You sure? I swear, I really didn’t mean to—”

“It felt really good,” Kate whispers. Even saying that feels wrong, like she shouldn’t have admitted it, but she did, so it’s out there now, and at least it’s honest.

“O-oh. Is it okay that I...stopped?”

“Yeah,” Kate says. “I...it was good, but…it’s good that, that we stopped, too.” She rolls off of Chloe, back onto her back beside her. Chloe shifts onto her side to keep looking at her. Kate holds up one hand, letting Chloe take it and squeeze. She closes her eyes and breathes. She lets Chloe ground her.

Abstinence seemed so easy before. When she thought she had to be with a man. She’s never felt like that, not so strongly. She doesn’t know what to do with that, what the rules even are for women like them. If God really makes such rigid rules. Not to mention she’s not even sure how it would _work._

She opens her eyes and looks at Chloe, who’s looking at Kate’s wrists, softly stroking one with her free hand. Kate’s never felt so blessed. She’d never thought her first love would be someone so kind, so patient, so careful.

She squeezes Chloe’s hand. “I love you,” she says, because in this moment, she does, more than anything.

Chloe breathes out, a smile coming to her lips apparently against her own will. “I love you too,” she replies, nestling further into Kate’s side, wrapping an arm around her waist. She plants a kiss against Kate’s cheek, sighing happily.

“Girls, breakfast!” Joyce calls from downstairs.

Kate doesn’t feel ready yet to breach the sanctity of this moment, this space with Chloe. But Chloe’s always ready to eat, so she’s the one who’s up first, stretching out in front of the bed.

Kate lets her gaze linger, unashamed.

 

* * *

 

Kate’s beneath Chloe, body open to her, their breath heavy in the night. Chloe’s hands crawl over her bare skin, seeking sensation, concerned only with their own selfish desires. When Chloe kisses her, she tastes blood.

Kate cries out, pushing back against her, a hand pressed against her chest, but no strength to force her away. “Stop!” Chloe doesn’t, she won’t. “What are you doing to me?” follows, and Chloe’s head is pounding but she _isn’t stopping,_ she raises one hand in front of her face and the needle shines in the moonlight—

She awakens in sweat-soaked sheets, staring into the ceiling, the dream still persisting at the edges of her consciousness. She sits up, throws the covers off, hoping the cold night air will knock it from her mind.

With a heavy, shuddering sigh, she leans forward and puts her hands over her face. Jesus. She’d thought she was mostly fine with how things went today. They hadn’t talked about the morning again, and Kate had gone back to Blackwell and attended all her classes and sent a goodnight text, and it had all been...fine. Kate had obviously considered the matter settled, so Chloe tried to, too.

But that was the furthest they’ve gone, and it had felt so intense, Kate really letting go and loving Chloe so fiercely. Chloe couldn’t help but respond in kind. But they’ve never talked about this, the whole subject, and Chloe can’t stop herself from thinking she’s ruining Kate. Could she have some kind of abstinence pledge? Does that even apply if she’s gay?

God, maybe she should’ve actually paid some attention back when Mom used to force her to go to church. She never thought it’d actually be useful information. Who knew she’d end up dating someone like Kate, anyway?

She checks the time. 3:04. Not time to bother Kate. Should they even talk about this, anyway? Should Chloe just accept whatever Kate will give her and—

She wants to slap herself for that thought. She’s not going to live like that anymore. She has to know where things stand. So she will.

She goes to the bathroom, gives herself a quick cold shower to silence the last echoes of her dreams. She doesn’t go back to sleep, uses her time to study instead, mulling over how she’s going to broach the subject with Kate. After work, she decides. Go over to Blackwell, hang out in her room, and just...ask.

She sends the text at eight, asking if she can stay the night tonight, so that it looks like she _wasn’t_ being her insomniac self again. The day passes by in a blur, especially because she’s working on the same sleeve she was doing yesterday again, and because she’s nervously scripting in her mind the whole time. Somehow she has to bring this up.

She swings by the Little Caeser’s on the way to Blackwell, figuring she might as well make up for the awkward conversation with greasy food. Dana’s hanging outside and taking a smoke break when Chloe shows up at the dorms, so she doesn’t have to call Kate to be let in.

She knocks on Kate’s door, and is answered by it swinging open to reveal Kate already in pajamas with her hair down, smiling up at her. God, she is so gorgeous when she’s unkempt like this. Just like she was yesterday. Chloe would kiss her, but her arms are full of pizza.

“Well, come in,” Kate says, stepping aside and beckoning her in.

Chloe swallows, trying to be less awkward as she comes in and takes a seat on Kate’s couch, laying the pizza down on the nightstand and dumping her backpack on the floor. “You look cute tonight,” Chloe says, giving her a small smile as she sits down beside her.

Kate blushes. “I mean, I’m just in my pajamas, I got home and didn’t really want to be dressed anymore and since you were coming over here I figured—”

“Yeah, that’s why it’s cute,” Chloe clarifies, leaning over and kissing her. Kate tucks her hair back behind her ear, looking at her lap and blushing even more. “I like you when you’re comfy.”

Kate giggles. “You’re really cheesy, you know. If I didn’t know you I’d think you were too cool to say stuff like that.”

Chloe chuckles to herself, bringing out the paper plates from the bag and loading them up. After they’ve spent a few minutes eating and cuddled up to each other, Chloe clears her throat.

“So, like…” Chloe breathes carefully. “I mean it, you know. When I say I like it when you’re comfortable. So, um...about yesterday…”

“Oh.” Kate’s cheeks go bright red. “I, um. I guess we should talk about it, huh.”

“I just...I kinda wanna know, like, if...you know, if you’re waiting for marriage. Or any other like, restrictions, I guess.”

Kate deflates. “I kinda wanna know that too.”

“Huh?”

Kate picks absently at the crust on her plate. “I used to run the Abstinence Club here, you know. I thought it’d be a good show of faith. My mom would’ve liked it. But I stopped, after...after October.” She sighs. “I’ve actually kind of...been looking things up. What other gay Christians think. Things like that.”

“What, no diagrams?” Chloe asks before she can stop herself or the smirk that comes to her face.

Kate giggles. “Um, no, not...yet. I was actually kind of hoping…” She bites her lip. “I don’t want to go in with any expectations.”

Chloe can’t help but find that completely adorable, even if she had had a _very_ opposite reaction when she started figuring herself out.

“I just don’t know what I believe anymore,” Kate admits, scratching her nail against the paper plate. “I don’t have...I want to know my own faith again. I want to find a God that makes sense to me. So I’m...working on it.” She looks over at Chloe. “You’ll...you’ll be patient with me, right? Even if I can’t tell you for sure?”

Chloe softens, reaching over to touch her shoulder. “Of course. Like, I really just wanna know what I can do so I don’t make you uncomfortable or cross a line or anything.”

“Um.” Kate pauses. “Well. If—if I start something, then don’t...stop me. I’ll tell you when. I do want...something. I’m not used to that. I never _got it_ before, why abstinence was even supposed to be difficult, because who wants to do _that_ with guys?”

Chloe snorts. “You’re telling me.”

Kate chuckles. “Y-yeah. So...yeah. Anything I do, I know I’m doing, okay? And you can ask, if you’re not sure. It’s okay.” She wipes her hands with a napkin, then sets the plate on the arm on the couch, reaching for Chloe’s hand. Chloe quickly uses up a napkin and intertwines their fingers.

“So we’re kind of on a wait and see, when you’re ready deal?” Chloe asks.

“Mhmm. If I decide I do wanna wait, I’ll tell you. Right now…” Kate shrugs. “I still need time.”

“Totally cool with me. Whatever you decide.” Chloe sighs, leaning into her. “Sorry for being all...weird, and bringing it up and everything.”

“You wanna know where you are. I get it. I’m glad we talked about it.” Kate giggles. “This is just about the only thing I can’t tell Dana about, anyway.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t stop you.” Chloe gives her a quick kiss. “Also, I woke up at like three this morning, so I’m probably gonna conk out pretty quick. You got any homework you need to do or can we settle in?”

“We can settle in. I made sure to get everything done early since you texted me this morning.” Kate smiles at her. “I like making time for you.”

“You are too damn cute.” Chloe stands up. As she takes her pajamas from her backpack and starts changing, she can feel Kate looking at her, like she did yesterday. She checks over her shoulder, and, yep. “You’re looking,” Chloe accuses playfully.

“Mhmm,” is Kate’s reply, along with a little wiggle of her hips. Now _this_ is really nice. Feeling confident giving Kate little teases, getting that kind of response.

Chloe could get used to this.


	19. 1 Timothy 4:12

It’s hard work, trying to understand the ways of God.

Kate now understands why people spend their entire lives studying His words, why the search for meaning and knowledge is still so deep underway. When she was a child, it had all seemed simple, as though the Bible were a mere rulebook and God a lawyer.

But she’s grown up now, and the world is so much more complex than that, so full of both love and heartbreak, all of which Kate’s seen firsthand. The world is not simple and clean-cut enough for its creator to be such a being. So Kate is looking for what He _is._

She doesn’t share most of this journey with Chloe. As much as she loves Chloe, Kate knows what Chloe is and isn’t terribly invested in, and religion is firmly in the _isn’t_ category. She’ll listen and smile and nod when Kate talks about her faith, and respect all her decisions surrounding it, but it’s clear she doesn’t believe and doesn’t think much about why that is, either. Perhaps she had faith at some time, but it was never really strong in her. Chloe’s respectful, and that’s all she needs from her.

Surprisingly enough, it’s Alyssa that Kate ends up talking with the most when she has something she read on her mind and no one to spill it to. It’s after a study session has mostly wrapped up, Dana and Stella having left already for practice and work, respectively, while Alyssa hangs in Kate’s room seemingly only because Alice is here and it’s a nice quiet space for her to read. Kate lays on her bed, brain swimming with everything _but_ what she was studying, especially a phrase that came up somewhere and has stuck in her mind since.

“So how’ve you actually been, Kate?” Alyssa asks suddenly, looking over her book. “I feel like we haven’t been able to talk for a bit, just us two.”

“Oh!” Kate exclaims, blinking away her worries and sitting up against the wall. “I thought you wanted to just go back to how things were before?”

“Well, I mean, yeah, kinda,” Alyssa grumbles. “But, I dunno. Wanted to check in I guess. It seems like you’re a lot happier these days.”

“I am,” Kate says with a sigh. “Mostly, I guess. I’m still sorta...processing everything.”

“You mean from last semester?”

“Yeah, and...and other things.” Kate swallows. Maybe sometime she should tell Alyssa too, properly, even if she seems like she might know. She looks to the crosses hanging around Alyssa’s neck, gaudier and more gothic than her own, and wonders if she’s put this sort of thought into religion herself at some point. She and Alyssa haven’t really had a personal talk before. Maybe they ought to know each other a little better.

“Like what?” Alyssa asks.

Kate takes a deep breath. It’s worth a shot. “When it first happened, I thought...I thought it was my fault. I thought God was punishing me. That I’d done something wrong and He’d, somehow…” Kate looks away, tapping her fingers on her knee. “I don’t know,” she mumbles. “Everything seemed kinda pointless. I thought I couldn’t be redeemed, or something.”

“Jesus, Kate, that’s heavy.” Alyssa straightens herself up a bit.

“I’ve gotten better since the first couple of days. It’s been hard, but...but I think I’m finding a way to make sense of everything.” Kate sighs. “There was this, this quote I saw, _Hell is empty,_ and I really liked it.”

“Huh. How come?” Alyssa asks. Her hand goes to one of the crosses around her neck, lightly grazing it.

“It’s like — it doesn’t make sense to me. Hell, I mean, as a concept, it doesn’t match up with how I feel about God. The moments where I feel Him weren’t when I was at my lowest, but when I could feel Him working to save me, or, or love me.” Kate swallows.

“If God is the creator of the universe, a father, then I can’t imagine him making anyone suffer _forever._ Hell’s existence is to show his mercy, because he could do it but he doesn’t. Does that make sense?”

“I guess?” Alyssa shrugs. “You know, I kinda thought the opposite way for a long time. Or I guessed I hoped it was different.”

“What do you mean?” Kate asks.

“I mean, I was bullied a lot as a kid. I went through a phase where I thought God didn’t exist, but I started getting really, _really_ down when I started thinking that.” Alyssa rubs the back of her neck. “It got so bad I got pulled out of school for a couple weeks.”

“Wait, really? You were bullied? But you seem so, like, cool, and like you don’t care about anyone,” Kate remarks.

Alyssa gives her a raised eyebrow. “Kate, I’m fat. People are still shitty to me, I just handle it differently now.”

“Oh.” Kate looks down. Maybe it’s not all Alyssa’s fault that their friendship was so shallow before. Kate doesn’t know her much at all either.

“Anyway, like, I got put into therapy, I kinda started believing again but it was almost weird because — God, Kate, I will murder you if you tell anyone this — I got into Warcraft.”

“Warcraft?” Kate asks. “What’s that?”

“Thank God,” Alyssa sighs. “It’s this old online game. It was all the rage in like, sixth grade. Anyway. What I really liked in that game were the Paladins, these sort of holy warriors, I had one as my main. They used the power of their faith to kill the wicked. It was weird, but...it felt like maybe if there’s a God out there, he could do that. Not in ways I could see, but he could punish the people who hurt me, down the line, and I’d be vindicated.”

“Jeez, Alyssa,” Kate says.

“I don’t think that way anymore, but it was kinda how I got through the day when I was younger. I’d imagine that God would make them pay for what they did, and eventually because I’m smart and don’t sin and whatever I’d grow up and be this happy holy person.” She chuckles. “I was also super into Twilight, that’s when I got this bigass cross,” she says, holding it up. “So edgy.”

Kate giggles. “What about now?” she asks after a moment.

“It’s kinda evened out a little bit. I get where you’re coming from and I don’t have all those, like, elaborate karma fantasies about my bullies anymore. Plus I figured out I was bi and I had to sorta reorganize my Sinner’s Chart.” Kate swallows. It’s not too much of a surprise, but it’s odd to just hear her come out and say it like that.

“It kinda set me free to think that something bigger was out there that’d make the universe right,” Alyssa continues. “I like your idea, though. That He just does the good things and we do all the bad ones.” Alyssa sighs. “It’s, you know. I believe and I see God how I need to see Him, I think. Maybe that’s what He’s really there for.”

“Yeah.” Kate lays back on her back again, humming. “It’s kind of a big question to deal with, sometimes.”

“I know, right? Fuck, man, we’re in high school, I wish I didn’t have to have all these big thoughts all the time, they’re exhausting,” Alyssa says with a laugh.

“I know how you feel,” Kate says with a soft sigh. “I wish I could just go with the flow like some people do.”

“I’m getting there,” Alyssa says with a shrug. “I think. People matter less to me now. Easier to not care so much when you don’t hate yourself anymore.”

“I’m just lucky that people backed off of me. I don’t think I have that...confidence, yet. Not like you do.”

“Aw, thanks, Kate. Thinking I’m confident. It’s all fake, you know.” Alyssa smiles at her. “Anyway, I’m sure having Chloe around is what really keeps people off you. Girl’s like a hellhound.”

Kate coughs uncomfortably. “Uh, yeah. She’s pretty protective.”

“It’s cute, really. You guys make a hell of a pair.”

Kate should tell her. Like she told Dana. She obviously knows already, but it would be better not to dance around this. Would Alyssa spread it around if she knew for sure? Does anyone need to know for sure to spread rumors in the first place?

“So, um…” Kate begins, poorly. “You mentioned you’re bi?”

“Mhm. Kinda blame that on Warcraft too. High elf ladies.” She grins at Kate. “Sometimes things just kinda smack you in the face and you just say, yeah, all right.”

Kate chuckles. “I’ve never been really good at that. I kinda...swat it away, and pretend it’s not there. Even if it keeps smacking me in the face.” She takes a deep breath, and before Alyssa can get her words out, she just says it. “I’m gay.”

Alyssa smiles. “Called it.”

“I know, you’re not super subtle with your teasing,” Kate accuses.

“Yeah, Chloe told me off on that. You guys are dating, though, right?”

Kate nods. “Since Christmas.”

“You got the biggest gay icon in Arcadia Bay as a girlfriend, can’t hate on that,” Alyssa says with a smile. “Don’t worry, Chloe scared me off from telling anyone. I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me.”

“Me too,” Kate says, smiling at her. Her phone buzzes on the bed and she looks at it, receiving a warning that Chloe is coming over _now_ and she’d better be ready to be _whisked away._ She can’t help but smirk at her phone.

“Chloe?” Alyssa asks teasingly.

“Yeah.”

“Jesus, you said that like you’re already making out with her in your head,” Alyssa says with a snort.

Kate blushes, because maybe she was a tiny bit. “Oh, stop. She’s gonna be here soon.”

“I get the message, I’ll be outta your hair.” Alyssa stands up, and Kate does too, because this is worth a hug. Alyssa seems surprised when she gets one, but eventually, awkwardly, hugs her back, as though she’s not really used to this kind of affection but wants to give it regardless.

“Thanks, Alyssa,” she says, squeezing her tight. “It was nice talking.”

“Yeah, same. I’ve actually never even told Stella a lot of that.” Alyssa steps back and swallows. “So anyway, I’m still cool and aloof and you’re still an adorable hidden lesbian, deal?”

Kate laughs. “Deal.”

As Alyssa leaves and she starts the process of eagerly waiting for Chloe, Kate can only hope that she and Alyssa will only be closer, in time. Her friendships are starting to finally feel real.

 

* * *

 

When Kate asks Chloe her birthday, she thinks little of it. She assumes that Kate will just get her something nice and she’ll be perfect and adorable like always. It’s only when she receives an odd call that she realizes it informed a little more of Kate’s decision-making than she’d thought.

“Hey, Chloe? Can you come pick me up? I’m gonna be staying at your place.”

Chloe’s eyebrows shoot up as she pulls herself out from under her covers. “You are, huh?” she asks, a smirk quirking her face. “You just decided this on your own?”

“Well, yeah, it’s spring break so I might as well…”

“Oh!” Chloe gets herself fully upright, rubbing at her hair. “Aren’t you gonna go home?”

“I told Dad I was staying, not to bother coming to get me. I think he, um, understood. And I wanna spend some time with you, you know?” Chloe can practically hear her leg jiggling through the phone. “That’s okay, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Chloe says with a smile. “You know Mom loves having you over. It’s like you’re the nice cute feminine daughter she wanted instead of this weird dyke she raised.”

“Don’t talk yourself down like that,” Kate chides. “She loves you a lot. Just the way you are.”

“All right, all right,” Chloe says with a chuckle. “I’ll be there soon.”

She gets herself dressed, trying not to boil over with how...how _everything_ she feels about this. About Kate staying here just for her, about having her living in her house for a week and getting to have some of that close intimacy she’s started to realize she actually _craves,_ how it feels to be so clearly and honestly loved. She makes it to her belt before she tears up and has to stop to wipe her eyes.

It was never, ever like this with Rachel.

That thought is almost too much. Things had been going good, just before she’d...before she’d fucking died. They’d said “I love you.” They’d kissed and admitted their feelings and things had felt almost honest, but they weren’t, not really. Who knows what had really happened, between Nathan and Rachel and Jefferson. But it had been starting to feel like there was something there, something real. It never reached this point. Where it just _was._

Chloe has to collect herself. But she gets together. She’s getting better at doing that, not just shutting down when it all gets to be too much. Kate helps. Everything about her helps.

She manages to get in her car and head to Blackwell without any further embarrassments to her pride. She checks herself in the rearview mirror to make sure she still looks badass before she gets out of the car and heads for the dorms. Dana holds the door for her as they pass one another, smiling at Chloe as she nods back.

She heads down the hall and knocks on Kate’s door, and when it swings open she’s immediately wrapped in a giant hug, Kate squeezing her tight and bringing her inside so she can push her back against the door. And then she leaps up and kisses her and everything is far, far too good.

“Holy shit,” Chloe murmurs after Kate lowers herself down Chloe’s body, giggling guiltily.

“Sorry, I was just so excited to surprise you with this whole thing,” she admits. “And I’m excited to stay with you. It’s like a test run.”

“For what?” Chloe asks, moving her hands to Kate’s waist and lightly tickling her so she keeps giggling.

“For—for—stop it! For, you know. For living together.” Kate takes a deep breath, trying to look serious and utterly failing because she’s still suppressing her laughter. Chloe’s fingers stop dead, however.

“You, um,” she stammers, “You’re really thinking about that? Already?”

“Yeah!” Kate flushes. “I mean, of course I am. If we’re going to stay together after graduation, and, and I want to...then we’ll have to find somewhere to live together when I go to college. Right?”

“Uh, yeah, I...I guess…” Chloe bites her lip, trying not to look too much at that hopeful face of Kate’s. She reaches up and touches Chloe’s chin, turning her back toward her.

“Is something wrong?” she asks.

“I dunno, guess I just didn’t think about the future much,” Chloe mumbles. “I kinda thought...you’d graduate and go off to better girls than me, I guess. I didn’t really wanna hope you’d want me to stay around like that.”

“Of course I do.” Kate looks away. “M-maybe I’m thinking too far ahead.”

“No, I mean, I — Kate, it’s just me being me, you know? Sometimes it’s hard to believe you really like me, still.”

“I _love_ you,” Kate says defiantly, standing back and putting her hands on her hips.

“Fine, fine, you love me,” Chloe says with a little laugh. “I love you too, you sap.” She recaptures Kate and kisses her forehead. “I like that idea, though. Just us, in a little apartment, all gay and cozy together. How the hell are you gonna convince your parents?”

“Haven’t thought _that_ far ahead yet,” Kate admits. “Mostly just daydreaming about us being happy together. I’ll get more practical when it’s closer.”

Chloe laughs and holds her tight. She really is too lucky.

Eventually they separate and get Kate’s things (including rabbit) together, setting off for the truck and then heading home. Joyce is out at work this afternoon, so Chloe cooks them both a lunch and they settle down to watch a movie before Chloe has to go do the late shift at the parlor. When Chloe does return, she does so carefully, trying not to wake either of them as she sneaks upstairs.

She finds Kate laid out on top of the covers in some very nicely short sleep-shorts and a camisole, stretching as she comes in. She blearily lifts her head and smiles as Chloe enters, lit by the moon streaming in through the uncovered window over Chloe’s desk. “Hey,” she murmurs softly, reaching out a hand and beckoning her over.

Chloe can’t help but answer the call, heading over and taking her hand briefly, leaning down to give her a welcoming kiss. Kate smiles sleepily as they separate and Chloe gets into her own pajamas. She can feel Kate’s gaze on her, like before. Honest and appreciative.

Kate yawns as Chloe lays down beside her, running her hand over Kate’s stomach. Kate giggles and squirms under the attention, gasping with suppressed laughter. Chloe draws her even closer and they’re kissing now, over and over again, neither of them wanting to stop. Kate pulls away first, and Chloe’s happy to let her, happy to give her that control. She loves how Kate can just do that with her, the way she shows no fear or apprehension in choosing how their affection lasts. It feels like trust. Something she’s not used to getting from anyone.

Kate sighs happily. “I was already considering staying, but then you told me your birthday’s the literal first day of break and I knew I had to,” she says. “I wanted to give you something special.”

“And what’s that?” Chloe asks.

“That’s spoilers.”

Chloe laughs, tickling her under her arm and reveling in her little gasps and shakes. “You’re a tease.”

“Mm.” Kate giggles again to herself. “I’m feeling a little better about...everything. I think I know what I believe now. It’s nice.”

“Are you seriously hinting at birthday sex right now?” Chloe asks, raising her eyebrows.

Kate bats at her arm. “No! I mean, just...I feel good about being with you. The more I read and understand, and the more I talk to other people about it...I know it’s okay. That God loves me, for who I am.”

Chloe can’t claim to believe in any version of God, but hearing the ease in Kate’s tone is enough to make her lean over and kiss her cheek. “Good. Nice to know where you stand.”

“Yeah,” Kate sighs. “I love you.” She turns on her side and embraces Chloe fully, burying into her chest. They stay there a while, heartbeats slowing, Chloe once again reflecting on how lucky she is. Kate swallows, then, and her voice changes tone as she ask, ”Have you...done it before?”

And Chloe’s hit with a hundred things at once, and has to take some time to sort through them as she stammers, “Well, uh—”

“Sorry, is that okay to ask?”  Kate interrupts, voice fading into Chloe’s body.

Chloe rubs her back. “I—I mean, yeah, I — of course you’d wanna know. I’m your girlfriend, right? I should, um, tell you things.”

“You’re my girlfriend,” Kate states firmly. “But if you’re not comfortable…”

“No, no, I should tell you.” Chloe swallows. “I, uh — yeah. Me and Rachel. A couple of times. Not always the best.”

“Oh.” Kate breathes the word into Chloe’s collarbone. “What’s it like?” she asks, so shallow it’s barely audible.

Chloe’s heart rate speeds, and she has to bite back her initial desire to deflect with “Wanna find out?” because she knows that’ll make things worse, it won’t be funny, just mean. She has to just tell Kate. Everything.

“Depends,” is what she settles on. “How it starts. Why you’re doing it. I….shit, Kate, R-Rachel wasn’t my first even though I really fucking wish she was.” Jesus, she never even told Rachel this. “I—I don’t even remember his _name,_ but…”

“H-his?”

“Yeah. Thought...I dunno. Thought it would fix me. Thought I was supposed to do it. Rachel seemed to like it, it made her happy. Thought it might make me happy too.” Chloe tries to keep herself steady, squeezing Kate. “Stupid. Fucking stupid. Kept doing it, too, even though I knew I hated it, I thought it’d click somehow, but it never did, not ‘till Rachel. And even then…” She lets out a shuddering sigh. “It’s the best thing in the world, unless it isn’t. I wish...I wish I’d thought about it _more,_ before I did it.”

Kate holds her, not mentioning the stray tears that Chloe lets fall. She’ll always regret it. Wasting her time like that, touching a man like that, letting herself be taken and used in that way. But Kate isn’t judging her for this. Kate pulls back a mite, and leans up to kiss her.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“F-for what?”

“For telling me that. You weren’t selfish and, and trying to push me. You just told the truth, even though it hurt.” Kate kisses her again, then leans into her shoulder. “Just...thank you. For always being so honest with me. I like knowing you.”

Chloe just holds her close then, unable to say more. But she knows she doesn’t need to. She’s said enough, bared more of her soul than she ever felt safe doing with Rachel, in case it ruined everything. But she trusts, and is trusted, and that’s worth more than anything else in the world.


	20. Proverbs 25:2

Perhaps Chloe should not have left Kate alone in her house.

It’s not that Kate _tries_ to be a snoop. She’s perfectly capable of being here at other times without finding forgotten things. But she hasn’t lived here, been in the house while both Chloe and Joyce are away, and hasn’t had the opportunity to stumble across relics without Chloe to give context, meaning. When she takes Alice outside to give her the chance to enjoy the sunshine, she comes across something she feels she shouldn’t get to see.

It’s a big wooden board lying against the fence, rain-stained and fading, but the mural painted on it is still legible. A great big rainbow over the ocean, two young girls holding hands and walking through a variety of vividly imagined animals. It looks so cheerful and happy that it almost feels like it doesn’t belong out here, with the overgrown grass and abandoned toys that Alice is sniffing around.

She knows who those girls are. Chloe, of course, and her childhood friend. The one who moved away. What was her name? Max? Kate traces the faded lines, wondering why this is out here now, left to rot. She wonders if Chloe ever goes out to look at it.

She spots Alice trying to dig under the fence, and forgets about it, ushering the wayward rabbit back inside after grabbing her and telling her off.

But there’s other signs of Max, left throughout the house. Just wandering around Chloe’s room, borrowing her laptop, looking for CDs, it keeps jumping out at her. The _Pirate Power_ mixtape is incredibly cute, but Kate can’t help but wonder why it’s still here, so close at hand.  She’s spent plenty of time in here, but Chloe was always around, always the focus of her attention. It’s cleaner than the first time she came up here, to comfort Chloe after she found out about Rachel’s death. It’s probably a good sign that she can actually manage to keep the laundry in the hamper these days. But it lets things show all the clearer. The scratched-out height chart on the wall, profane and hateful words, grief made manifest. Graffiti scrawled into the plaster, _I CAN’T SLEEP._

Alice sneaks under the bed when Kate’s busy trying to figure out just where Chloe got that poster that’s just a pair of breasts, and Kate has to crawl under to get to her. After ensuring the rabbit’s back in the cage _for good this time_ , she finds herself looking under there again, brushing the edges of lockboxes and other secrets. She pulls back. These aren’t for her, not now. None of this is.

Chloe has so many little mementos of the two most important girls in her life, though they’re gone now. She thinks back to when they made CDs together, when Kate started leaving her own artifacts in Chloe’s world. At first, lying here on Chloe’s bed, keeping an eye on Alice, she can feel a tinge of jealousy within her. Chloe had so much more time with them. Now they’re just grasping at time as it slips away from them. She hopes they really can move in together, hopes she can keep up the charade long enough — but what she would give for another year, a childhood, an adolescence, beside Chloe, enough time to make her forget about the others who shaped her.

She wonders what it would be like, to meet them. Either of them. To have known the mysterious and enigmatic Rachel Amber, to find the lost childhood friend. But, she supposes, if Chloe really wanted to talk to Max now, she would. Facebook exists. There’s ways to do it.

What if she did, though? What if Max left Chloe and stopped talking to her for the same reasons Kate almost did? Not a disgust for Chloe’s feelings, but because she’d returned them and didn’t know what to do?

Would Chloe go back to her? Could Max just let her into her life, not have to hide the way Kate does?

She’s being ridiculous. She knows that. Chloe would never. But maybe they need to talk about it anyway, just so Kate can know her better.

When Chloe comes home, Kate waits for her up in her room, lying on her back and letting the house settle around her. Trying to think of how to start the conversation. Chloe cracks open the door and asks, “Sleeping already? Jeez, soon as school’s over you’re a total lazybones.”

“You sound like your mom,” Kate says, sitting up against the wall.

“Ouch, low blow.” Chloe falls down beside her, making her bounce and giggle. She rolls over on her back, then wriggles into Kate’s lap, sighing happily as Kate runs her fingers through her multicolored locks.

“It’s getting long,” she murmurs softly. “You should let me help dye it sometime.”

“Mm. Maybe.” Chloe lets out a long sigh. “But that was more of a...of a me and Rachel thing.”

Jealousy, again. Kate tries not to let it sting too much. “Sorry,” she says, swallowing. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“No, it’s okay, you didn’t know and...and I do wanna move on. Not fair to have her be in the way. I just…” Chloe rubs her forehead. “I cried a lot the first time I did it by myself.”

“Oh, Chloe…” Kate moves her hands down and squeezes Chloe’s shoulders.

“It’s okay, just dunno if you wanna see me like that when we’re supposed to be having fun, y’know?” She huffs. “Anyway, what’d you get up to all day?”

“Mostly chasing Alice around. She’s very excited about all this space she has to destroy.” She takes a breath. “We went out back for a bit, actually. I saw that little mural you drew.”

“Oh.” Chloe chews on her lip. “Yeah. That.”

“...you made that with your friend, didn’t you?”

“Me and Max spent all day painting it. It used to live in the garage.” Chloe sniffs. “After David moved in, I just threw it out back. Figured, hell with it, let it rot, she’s never coming back anyway. Stupid emo kid.”

“She must have meant a lot to you.” Kate tries to keep her voice level.

“Yeah. She did. A long time ago.”

“...have you ever thought of looking her up? Talking to her again?”

“Sometimes I’d try to text her when I was really deep in the shit,” Chloe admits. “Or I’d try to call her and get told her number was out of service. But...she’s gone. She obviously didn’t want anything to do with me. No point...pretending.”

“Couldn’t you just look her up online?”

“Shit, yeah, she probably has a Facebook. But…” Chloe swallows, tensing in Kate’s lap. “It’s been almost six years. What would I even say to her? Like, we’re different people now. We’re not kids anymore. I feel like it’s better if I don’t.” She shifts, getting up onto Kate’s chest now, looking up at her. “Hey, you’re not thinking I’d drop you for her, right?”

Damn. Caught. “I was just curious,” she mumbles. “It—it seems like she was such a big part of your childhood.”

“I wouldn’t be the same without her, but she’s gone and I feel like...like I wanna move on. Same with Rachel. I have this, this box under the bed that I put all my Rachel stuff in, back when I was trying to keep my crush this big secret,” Chloe admits. “Sometimes I think about just chucking it.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. I like having it all around too, sometimes. So it’s not just in my head. So I know...it was real, once.” Chloe sighs. “I can’t wait to have more stuff from you, though. Our cute little gay apartment together is gonna be great.”

Kate giggles. “Such a romantic.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. You sure you’re okay with...leaving Max behind?”

“I...I mean...I’ll always remember her. You always remember your first crush, right? But I gave up on her when I was sixteen. She’s only getting further away. If fate brings us together again I’ll give her a punch for leaving, but otherwise…” Chloe shrugs. “I’m okay. I made peace with it.”

“Okay.” Kate trusts her word. At least, she can trust that this is how Chloe feels right now. If Max were to suddenly show up on her doorstep, everything might flip around, but...but this works for her. She slides down, melding her body with Chloe’s, happy to have her weight here to ground her.

Her gift isn’t necessarily going to stay here with Chloe, like the rest of these treasures she’s spotted. But it’ll stick in her mind, that’s for sure.

 

* * *

 

Chloe is hella fucking curious about the gift.

But she is reigning herself in. She’s good at that, with Kate. She can trust Kate enough to not snoop or pester. Despite the minor snooping Kate had obviously gotten up to earlier.

She’s really sure, about what she said. While Max is sometimes in her mind, like Rachel, there’s nothing to be done about it. She’s trying to live. Wallowing in the past never really helps with that. It’s good to be here, now, with Kate.

She makes the house feel a lot more lively, a lot more full, and she’s only one extra person. It’s not quite like having Dad back, but Chloe can see the amount of energy it gives to her mother just to have someone else to chat with and dote on. She wonders, quietly, when the divorce will actually happen. David never made Joyce this happy, he just gave her stability, and now that Chloe’s stable, Joyce seems to be finding her own feet again too.

Spending every night with Kate is so wonderful, too. Just having her there, in her bed, to hold and kiss and love. Whenever she comes home from work they engulf themselves in each other, and are quite content to do so. Joyce, at one point, makes a quip about them being magnetic. It’s not embarrassing for either of them. It’s just how they are.

On Monday, Chloe’s actual birthday, Kate wakes her up with a gentle shake of her shoulder.

“Hey, birthday girl,” she says in that adorable soft voice of hers. “You have to take me back to Blackwell.”

“Mff?” Chloe responds, rubbing her face into the pillow. “Mffmfmfmhm.”

“Those weren’t words, Chloe.”

Chloe rolls over and sees Kate with her perfect disheveled hair and is struck speechless for a moment, because _Jesus,_ she landed the biggest cutie in Arcadia Bay. It’s always in the morning when her thoughts get all sappy like that. She blinks and says, “Why do I need to do that?”

“Because I kept my present in my dorm so you wouldn’t find it.”

“Are you accusing me of being a snoop?”

“No, I’m accusing myself of not having any conceivable way to sneak it into my luggage without you figuring out what it was.”

Chloe laughs. “Fair point. So who’s getting up first?”

“Ugh.” Kate collapses on Chloe’s chest. “You.”

“How?”

Kate sneaks in a kiss to Chloe’s jaw. “Lift me up, tough girl.”

Chloe strains, but does manage one situp with Kate ending up in her lap. She kisses the tangle of blonde hair and lets her go, watching her get up and pick up the hoodie Chloe bought her from the floor.

“Going casual today?” Chloe asks.

“Mhm. You like it,” Kate says as she ties her hair back into a loose ponytail. God, Kate looks good with any hairstyle, doesn’t she? Chloe idly wonders if Kate would let her chop off some of that hair and get her a cute bob as they get dressed and head out the door.

It’s a quiet ride to Blackwell, and the campus is so empty for Spring Break that it’s kind of a shock to see anyone around at all. It’s even more of a shock to see two girls cuddling together under a tree in the courtyard, looking quite lazy and probably high. Victoria, and a girl with long dirty-blonde hair, closing their eyes, their hands laced together.

“Hey, Vicky,” Chloe says, because she _has_ to tease these two. Victoria jolts, like she was asleep, looking up at the two of them with a glare. But she doesn’t move from her girlfriend’s side, and she murmurs, “Who’s that, V?”

“No one,” Victoria says with a growl, and Chloe chuckles and walks on, Kate trailing behind her with a confused expression.

“They’re cute,” Kate whispers. “I hope Victoria’s feeling better.”

“She threw up that video online,” Chloe reminds her.

“Yeah, but...I don’t know. Everyone heard about her hospital stay. I don’t want her to suffer, or anything.”

“Such a little saint,” Chloe says affectionately, rubbing Kate’s head. She protests, but only weakly.

They reach Kate’s room, and Kate goes digging in the closet for a large rectangular box, which she presents proudly to Chloe. Chloe raises an eyebrow.

“So what is it?” she asks.

“Not now, come outside again.”

Chloe shrugs helplessly and follows her out to the courtyard again. Victoria’s watching them like a hawk. Quickly, while Kate’s distracted unwrapping the present, Chloe puts her tongue between her fingers and waggles it at Vic, which is enough to force her to look away in disgust. Chloe smirks as she returns her gaze to Kate, and—

Holy shit, she’s got a skateboard. She’s holding it out proudly, smiling. It’s quite basic, pure black, no stickers yet. But Chloe already has a board. A nice one. Chloe’s skated with Kate watching from the sidelines before, made jokes about getting her on a board, so…

“That’s for you,” Chloe says, smiling. “You wanna skate.”

Kate blushes. “Mhm. Exactly.”

“So how is this a gift to me, exactly?”

“You get to teach me.”

Now that, Chloe can work with.

The paths around here are flat and smooth, so it’s good enough to just start, right here. Chloe helps her up onto the board, placing her hands on Kate’s waist, feeling her breath hitch. God, sometimes the girl is just too much for her. Whenever she can tell Kate’s getting flustered or heated, it makes Chloe lose almost all concentration. But she manages, helping Kate keep her balance, showing her how to twist her body, to lean into turns. Letting her go feels like a loss, but she manages the curves of the path well, looking so concentrated and careful that Chloe has to stifle a laugh.

Max couldn’t hold her balance on a board if her life depended on it. Rachel was a natural, smooth and carefree, an icon on wheels. Kate is determined, a bit stiff but still graceful. It suits her. With some practice she could fly around this deadend town. As she glides by Victoria’s spot, Victoria and Chloe’s eyes meet again, and Vic gives a little smirk, like, _You fucking lesbian._ And Chloe has to give her one back, because, yeah, she so is.

As Kate completes the loop and heads back to Chloe, she stops very carefully, looking flushed, sweating just a little bit. “So? How’d I do?” she asks, an eager smile on her face.

“You skate like a delivery girl,” Chloe informs her. “Like you got somewhere to be and you’re gonna be there no matter what’s in the way.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s great.” Chloe hugs her and almost makes her drop her board. “It’s so you.”

“So you like it?” Kate asks in a small voice. “I know it’s not technically for you, but...but I knew it was something I could do with you.”

“I love it, Kate.” She leans in close. “I love you.”

Kate dares to sneak in a cheek kiss, and Chloe can’t resist a peek at Victoria, who looks shocked. Jeez, didn’t she know already? But she won’t spread shit. Not this time.

“C’mon, let’s go get my board,” Chloe suggests, putting an arm around Kate’s shoulder. “Let’s paint this town red.”


	21. Psalms 143:8

Kate wishes she could slow down time.

The week at Chloe’s house passes by so fast. She can already feel these amazing evenings in bed with Chloe slipping away, even as they tangle in one another, lost in passion, falling asleep entwined and content, hearts beating the same tempo. The sense of safety and calm is so strong. There’s nothing scary in showing affection to Chloe, no worry that she’ll be pushed past her boundaries. Chloe’s always so grateful just to have her. Kate doesn’t want any of it to end.

But end it does. The rest of the semester flies by, movie nights with the girls, study sessions with Dana, skatepark trips and sleepovers with Chloe. Chloe passes her GED test, and is roundly celebrated by all in a big group outing to McDonald’s. Victoria and Taylor make a big splash by going together to prom, though Kate doesn’t attend, preferring not to be at big parties like that anymore. But it’s nice to know that everyone seems to be doing better than they once were.

Kate spends a long evening deciding which of the school that accepted her she’s going to attend, talking on the phone with her father. Reed is selected in the end. And then, Kate has to bring it up, because the subject of housing comes up, and she needs to.

“So…” she says, wishing she could curl a phone cord around her finger like her mother does on the landline. She paces her room anxiously instead, tapping her fingers on the outside of her phone. “I kind of want to live in an apartment.”

“And why’s that?” her father asks, his voice dropping low.

“Chloe...wants to move out of Arcadia Bay. In Portland she could definitely find a job doing tattoos like she does now, so she could help pay rent…”

She tenses up, waiting for the response. “You just want to move out with a roommate you already know,” Richard says after a moment, and Kate breathes out a sigh of relief. “Sure you’re ready for that, though? Living off-campus is a big responsibility. You think Chloe can hold up her end? Of course we can make sure you’re taken care of, but if you’re living with someone, she should be helping you out.”

“Y-yeah. I trust her. She’s a good cook, too.”

“Really? I wouldn’t expect that from the two seconds I saw of her.” Richard swallows. “This is a big step, Kate. I don’t really know this girl. If something goes wrong...I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I know, Dad.” Kate breathes out carefully. “But she’s really important to me and I want to help her. She’d be a lot happier out of here. Things are better for us both than they used to be, but…”

“But you could both use some space, right?” His voice is strained. He wants to ask, but has no way to bring it up. As long as it goes unspoken between them, he doesn’t have to tell her mother his suspicions, his worries. Kate knows the game, by now. She loves him so much for playing it and keeping her safe.

“Yeah. We could. I think we need to be independent, at least, mostly, for a while.”

“Well, I’ll talk to your mom about it. If she ever asks to see or talk to Chloe...tell her to wash the blue out of her hair first.”

And that’s that.

It’s too early to start making reservations for a move-in, but Chloe’s informed of the plan. She seems hesitant to acknowledge it as real, like if she asks too many questions, it won’t happen. Kate does her best to assure her, but finals come up, and they have to spend time apart. They still talk, though. As often as they can.

Kate’s last final is scheduled for the day before move-out is required. Kate _might_ have told her parents to come get her a day after they were actually supposed to, but Kate just wants to have a chance to say goodbye.

She starts packing in the afternoon, getting everything ready for the trip to Chloe’s house. One of the last things she grabs is her sketchbook, and she doesn’t pack it away yet, not before looking through it one last time.

It’s crazy to see her whole year laid out in here. From the beginning, little drawings of animals and cartoon characters, then the abstract dark things that had crawled out of her mind in October, and then, slowly...Chloe. Mostly Chloe.

It became so easy to draw her, after a while. Her face committed to memory. As she gets near the end, she comes across evidence of a sleepover, from when Chloe had been changing and Kate had asked her to stop in the middle of it and hold her pose. She’d spent a good ten minutes staring at her girlfriend in her underwear, squeezing her legs together, trying to remain focused despite that infernal smirk on Chloe’s face (which she captured quite well, if she does say so herself.)

Kate’s face turns hot thinking about it. She’s been thinking about it a lot, recently. She can’t stop herself, or the dreams that come to her at night. Obsessively reading the same articles over and over again, poring over her Bible for some kind of answer, praying to God that what she feels isn’t filthy and wrong but exactly what she thinks of it as when she’s calmest; a desire to fully connect with Chloe, body and soul. She’s not even _allowed_ to be married to her anyway, not here.

She’s been approaching a decision for a long time. And she knows it’s a big step for her, for both of them. But she can’t leave Chloe alone here without showing her how deeply she loves her. Even if Kate is keeping her a secret, she needs to know she has Kate’s full commitment.

She puts the sketchbook away, shoving the thought to the back of her mind, for now. No point thinking about it too much now. The decision’s made. She can only psych herself out, at this point.

She checks her phone after she’s finished, sitting on her bare mattress and making sure she still has the Skype username Alyssa gave her. She already said goodbye to Dana as her parents came by to pack up her dorm, and just about everyone else is gone now.

The year’s over.

It’s hard to believe.

When she thinks back on it, she was a completely different person when she arrived here in August. Despite everything, she thinks she likes herself better now. She’s found her faith, really found it. She knows exactly who she is, and who she loves, and the kind of woman she wants to be. As she lays back on her mattress, she wonders if next year will feel like this. She doesn’t think she’ll go home for summers. Maybe the holidays. But Chloe will have to have someone else there with her, and she could get herself a job or an internship or something. She wants as much time as she can take with Chloe.

One day, they won’t hide. But she’s going to make sure their little hidden cove will be a cozy nest indeed.

A knock on the door alerts her to Chloe’s presence. She jumps to her feet, opens the door, and gets wrapped in Chloe’s arms a second later.

“Hey Kateydid,” Chloe says softly, squeezing her tight.

Kate giggles into her chest, only pulling back reluctantly because the door’s open behind her. Looking up at Chloe’s smiling face is a lot. She’s _radiant._ Sometimes seeing her girlfriend’s smile feels like looking at the sun. “Got everything ready to leave Blackhell for good?”

“Yeah.” Kate can’t hide the note of disappointment in her voice, despite the fact that Chloe’s opinion of the school _certainly_ has been borne out this year. She’ll miss it. She’ll miss everyone.

Not now. Sentiment is for tomorrow morning. Now is the time to enjoy what she has.

“Spacing on me, Kate?” Chloe asks, ruffling her hair. “C’mon, let’s get this stuff in my truck. There’s one last meal at the Two Whales with our names on it.”

That sounds perfect.

Working with Chloe is easy, as it always is. She’s a tough, quiet companion, able to carry the heavy stuff without complaint, and in seemingly no time at all the room that once held Kate’s whole life is bare and empty. Kate heads into the office to drop off her keys while Chloe loiters outside, taking a smoke break. As they pile into Chloe’s truck afterward, Chloe leans over to give Kate a kiss, which she balks at.

“You just smoked!” she accuses, and Chloe laughs.

“Just checking to make sure you still got all your standards intact even if it _is_ our last day here,” she says with a chuckle. “Kate Marsh, paragon of moral integrity.”

Kate smiles to herself. Chloe thinks so highly of her. She hopes she won’t ruin that.

They head to Chloe’s house first, piling Kate’s things in the garage since David’s things are in a storage unit now and taking her clothes suitcase upstairs to Chloe’s room. Then it’s back in the truck, because _wow_ time’s gone by so fast with all the moving and running about, it’s just about time for dinner.

Joyce greets them at the door of the Two Whales and gives them the corner booth, marking down their orders because she’s heard them order here fifty times already, leaving them at peace. Chloe leans back in her seat and sighs, her hand halfway across the table, waiting for Kate to take it.

“We had our first date here,” she says with a sly smile.

Kate laughs. “I’m not sure that really counted as a date…”

“I brought you to dinner, didn’t I?”

“I guess you did.” Kate swallows. She’d much rather remember that day as her first date with Chloe instead of the day she was violated. If only it was that simple in her head. She takes Chloe’s hand, feels her tight grip, lets it hold her steady.

“Sorry if that was weird or anything,” Chloe mumbles. “Just feeling sentimental and sometimes I...I wanna feel like our start was cuter than it was.”

“Our official start was very nice,” Kate says with a smile.

Chloe looks dreamy. “I am never gonna forget that little cheek kiss.”

Kate giggles and plays with her feet under the table, and...and it’s a good date. Like so many others they’ve been on. Quiet and contemplative and content. Chloe asks after Kate’s friends, and she tells her where they’re going to school, what they’re planning to major in, how they’re going to stay in contact with Kate. Everything makes it more real, the fact that she’s really not going to see Chloe for three whole months. Not be able to touch her, and kiss her, and be held by her. It sounds so hard.

When they’ve finished their food and Joyce shoos them out of the booth since it’s a pretty busy night, they’re off to home, and Kate’s turning her decision over in her mind. She cuddles up to Chloe on the drive, laying her hand over Chloe’s on the gearshift, leg jiggling with anticipation. Joyce is working late tonight. This is their last night sleeping in the same bed for a while.

God, she’s trembling. Chloe has to feel it.

As they enter Chloe’s house, Chloe turns to her and asks, “So, what d’ya wanna do for the rest of the night?”

“Um.” Kate swallows. “Let’s go upstairs and hang in your room.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Breathe, Kate. You don’t _have_ to do this. You _want_ to.

Chloe flops down on her bed as soon as they’re in the room, and Kate closes the door behind her. The blinds are closed. Good.

Kate takes a deep breath, standing with her back to Chloe, facing the closet. She undoes her hair first, laying the pins on the nightstand. She unbuttons her blouse slowly, feeling Chloe’s eyes on her back.

“Pajamas are a good idea,” Chloe says with a yawn.

Kate bites her lip. Better to show with actions than words. She lets her blouse fall to floor, wondering if she should’ve worn fancier underwear. Her pulse races as she unzips her skirt and lets it fall down her legs, taking off her socks as well once she leans down to remove it. Her chest rises and falls as she reaches behind her and unhooks her bra. Chloe makes a soft sound behind her, and when Kate looks over her shoulder at her, their eyes meet, Chloe’s blues wide and nervous.

Before she can chicken out, Kate reaches down, sliding her panties off, still standing with her back to Chloe. She feels vulnerable, exposed, cold. She’s never just...been naked with someone else before. She’s shaking.

“Kate…” Chloe is nearly inaudible. Kate turns to face her, and sees she’s sitting upright on the bed, alert, her eyes wide, cheeks flushed. “Come here?” she offers, holding out her arms, and Kate lets out a sigh of relief and joins her, sinking into her hold, head on Chloe’s chest.

It’s all right. Chloe loves her. She’d never hurt her. And Chloe’s done this before, she...she can help guide Kate, it’s not something she’s doing on her own. Kate closes her eyes, feeling Chloe’s hand rubbing her bare back, her skin tingling all over.

“My heart’s beating so fast,” she says in a breathless whisper. Chloe squeezes her tight.

“Mine too,” Chloe admits with a chuckle. “Kate, I…Are you…”

“I want this.” Saying that aloud helps Kate’s nerves calm.

“...is there anything I should do? Anything you, uh, want, in particular?”

“Mm.” Kate’s muscles relax. Chloe is so kind. No expectations, no requirements. There’s no one else she’d rather be with.

That’s what she wants, she decides, for now. She wants to be against her, skin-to-skin.

Actions, not words.

She pulls back, looks Chloe in the eyes, and kisses her. With hesitant hands she trails down Chloe’s chest, finding the hem of her tank top and lifting it slowly, breaking the kiss to complete the action. Kate’s starting to warm up, Chloe’s hands on her waist like two heating pads.

“Uh, Kate, um,” Chloe stammers as Kate leans forward, starting to reach for the clasp of Chloe’s bra.

“What’s wrong?” Kate asks, a strike of fear suddenly in her chest. She puts her hands on Chloe’s shoulders instead, waiting.

“N-nothing, just…” Chloe swallows. “I hope...you know how I never took my bra off when we’d sleep together?”

“I did wonder,” Kate admits shyly. Her eyes keep going to the bullet necklace between Chloe’s breasts. It’s getting quite hard to focus.

“Just...I hope this doesn’t weird you out.” Chloe reaches back herself, closing her eyes. As it comes apart and Kate pulls back to let it slide off Chloe’s arms—

_Oh._

Small barbell piercings shine on Chloe’s chest, and Kate’s eyes are glued to them. She lets out a gasp, and Chloe bites her lip.

Memories flash in Kate’s mind, the way Chloe would whimper and keen into her touch and her lips while they made out, and she has to wonder, if touching her there would make her do the same things, and she’s too hot to even speak at first.

“S-so, yeah,” Chloe says, flushed down to her collarbone.

Kate gulps. “Would it hurt if I…” She draws her hands up Chloe’s body, resting them on her ribs.

“No! No, uh, they’re actually, uh, sensitive in a good way,” Chloe explains. “They-they’ve been healed a while, so…”

Kate exhales slowly as she drags her hands up, and then over Chloe’s breasts, watching her gasp, heart pounding. She applies more direct pressure, feeling her piercings with two fingers, and Chloe lets out a high-pitched “Oh,” and supports herself with her arms behind her back, teeth digging into her lower lip.

Kate’s dizzy with desire. But Chloe’s not naked yet, so she holds back, just for a moment, standing up and unbuckling Chloe’s belt. She pulls off Chloe’s bottoms for her, and takes a moment just to drink her in, all of her, even as she shuffles herself up to the pillows and props herself up against the wall.

Kate climbs into her lap again, breathing hard. “Can I touch you?” she asks, hands on Chloe’s collarbone.

Chloe nods, and Kate kisses her, letting herself wander, touching Chloe’s piercings again and reveling in the squeaks Chloe’s letting out into her mouth. She breaks off, kissing down Chloe’s chest, then grabbing her by the hips and sliding her onto her back because she wants to be over her, on top of her, like she is during their _best_ makeouts.

Holding herself above Chloe now, she’s surprised she was ever nervous about this. She’s not sure precisely what she wants to _do,_ but she knows Chloe can guide her there, and she knows she’ll love every one of Chloe’s reactions.

She takes a leap of faith and kisses Chloe’s nipple, delighting in the sound she makes. It must be _so_ sensitive. She keeps her tongue gentle, making sure not to hurt her, more interested in seeing her writhe beneath her, wanting only to make Chloe feel as good as she can.

She feels Chloe spread her legs after being lost in giving her affection for a while, and blushes profusely. She knows what Chloe wants, and what she wants to do, but the actual act of reaching down has a block around it in her mind, until Chloe opens her mouth.

“Kate, unh,” she groans, gently taking Kate’s hand and pulling it down. “Please.”

Kate pulls up, making sure she has a decent angle to see what she’s doing. Chloe lets go of her, knowing now that she’s going for it, and lets Kate take her own pace. Kate flares when Chloe raises her arms above her head.

She runs her hand over Chloe’s smooth skin, bracing herself on Chloe’s thigh with the other. As she reaches the damp curls between Chloe’s legs, she lets out an involuntary noise, and then another when Chloe raises her hips up. She’s so smooth, and _wet_ , so wet that Kate’s fingers glide through her lips like nothing. Chloe quivers beneath her, letting out a “There,” or a “Like _that_ ,” as Kate learns how to best please her.

She picks up her speed when Chloe begs for more, keeping it up as Chloe’s voice gets higher with each little “Yes,” feeling Chloe’s body tense for her release. Kate looks at Chloe, all of her, watching her tremble and thrash her head, until finally she lets out an incredible, heart-stopping shriek of pleasure and covers her face to muffle the rest of the sounds coming out of her, dropping her hips to the bed. Kate slows, then stops, laying down on Chloe again but keeping her hand pinned between them, still in Chloe’s heat.

Kate looks up at Chloe’s flushed, tense face, listens to her panting breath. _She_ did that to her. She made her feel that way, made her make those sounds. She’s in awe. Never has Chloe looked so beautiful.

“I love you,” she whispers into Chloe’s damp skin. Chloe squeezes her tight, then takes in a sharp breath.

And before Kate knows it, Chloe’s flipping them over, reversing their positions, hovering over her with a concentrated look on her face. After a second of adjustment, Kate realizes what’s going on, and feels a surge of nervous energy rise from her core. Chloe waits for her signal though, waits for her to reach up and bring their lips together, but when she does, Chloe stops containing herself.

Kate’s astounded by her passion, her fire. Chloe leaves burning love bites down her chest, drives her to the point of frenzy with her tongue on Kate’s nipples, hands squeezing and rolling and pinching in just the right places, just the right times. Kate’s frantic, unable to control her volume, or the bucking of her body beneath Chloe, she just _wants_ , to give herself to Chloe, all of her, to surrender everything to the woman she loves.

When Chloe’s hand finally finds its way between her legs, Kate chokes, finally giving into her body’s needs and pushing herself against it. Chloe knows what she’s doing, so well, that Kate can barely even think, just feel. Chloe leans in close as Kate whimpers, whispering, “In?” to her. That one word makes Kate’s blood ignite, and she breathes out a _yes_ , unable to think of stopping Chloe from doing anything she wants.

It’s so much just to feel Chloe’s fingers inside of her, gentle and careful though it may be. Kate wonders if Chloe had wanted this for herself, how she would have reacted if Kate did it, and moans at the thought. As Chloe brings her to the peak, Kate feels like she’s shattering apart, crying out as her nerves fire.

She clenches around Chloe, bringing her close, wrapping her arms around her and kissing her deeply as aftershocks travel through her. _God._ How has she never done this before? Now that she’s done it, how can she resist it?

That thought is what lets her release Chloe when she starts moving again, because there’s still hunger in her eyes and Kate wouldn’t ever turn her down at this point. She spreads her legs, anticipating, but Chloe keeps moving further downward, planting kisses down her stomach until _oh_.

Kate’s found an entirely new thing to love about Chloe’s mouth.

She squirms, breathing Chloe’s name, tangling her fingers in Chloe’s faded multicolored hair. There’s something so _sexy_ in the way she holds it back from her head as she goes down on Kate, as she licks and sucks and brings Kate to the edge again so quickly. Kate finds herself laughing as she comes, smiling wide, she can’t _help_ it, it feels so good and so right and _fun_ to touch each other like this.

Chloe rises up and smirks at her, making a show of wiping her mouth. God. _God._ How could Kate be so lucky?

It’s grown dark outside by now, as Chloe settles in on Kate’s side, slinging an arm across her chest and kissing her neck. Kate closes her eyes, letting her body relax, feeling the exhaustion in her limbs. All her thoughts are of Chloe as she drifts into sleep, and how much she loves her, and she doesn’t regret a single thing.

 

* * *

 

Chloe wakes sometime in the night.

Something inside her is broken. She can feel it so clearly when she realizes where she is, that she and Kate are both naked. Anyone else would be thrilled, and cuddle her, and go to sleep.

But she can’t stop the thoughts itching at her mind. She _had her way_ with Kate, biting her perfect skin, entering her like she had a right to do so. Kate will wake up in the morning and regret everything, and it’ll be her fault, and Kate will have the same memories as Chloe does, losing her virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it.

She untangles herself from Kate, carefully, not wanting to wake her and speed up the process. She’d rather be in limbo, for now, than know how badly she messed up. She grabs her underwear from the floor, slips on the tank over it, just so Kate won’t have to see her naked again with her deviant piercings and her tattoo and everything else that marks her as someone that Kate never should’ve given herself to like that.

She goes to the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror, wanting to stop thinking like this. _She’s the one who came onto me, she’s the one who said yes and wanted me and told me so._ So why can’t she stop feeling like a predator? Why does it always come back, this ugliness inside of her?

She sits on the toilet and hopes she doesn’t need to throw up. She shouldn’t have done this. None of it. Kate deserves so much better than her.

She’s surprised when she feels tears streaming down her face. But why wouldn’t she be crying? She’s fucking up this nice memory, her mind betraying the knowledge of how good it felt, how connected they were, how warm and soft Kate’s body was against her own. She can only see herself _fucking_ Kate, not making love to her, and she doesn’t even know why.

She’s not sure how long she’s been in there. She can see the thin light of dawn stretching under the door. Sometime she’s going to have to go back and face what she’s done.

She stands and pads carefully out into the hallway, doing her best to silently open the door. But Kate’s sitting upright in bed, covers down around her waist, looking right at her.

Chloe stops. “Hey,” she offers, lamely.

“Hey.” Kate bites her lip. “Are you coming back to bed?”

“I—”

“Please?”

Chloe melts, and crosses the floor, walking around their discarded clothes and joining Kate under the covers. Kate nestles into her side, drumming her fingers nervously on Chloe’s top.

“What’s wrong?” she asks softly. So attentive.

“You — you’re okay, right?”

“Of course,” Kate says with a sigh, kissing Chloe’s shoulder. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I just...I didn’t…”

“I started it,” Kate says, and when Chloe looks over there’s a devilish grin on her face.

Chloe’s heart pounds. “Y-yeah, I guess you did.”

“And I don’t know why you bothered getting clothes back on,” Kate whispers, mounting her again, and all of Chloe’s doubts fizzle away into nothing.

She loves Kate, and knows Kate loves her, unconditionally, without regard for anything that would stand in her way. She knows, as the morning comes, and the time for Kate to leave approaches, that she’ll see her again, and life will be more wonderful than she’d ever dare imagine.

 


	22. Jeremiah 29:11

“So today’s the big day, huh?” Dana asks as soon as the call connects, her face and Alyssa’s showing up on the two halves of her screen. Kate laughs. Straight to the point, these two.

“Yup, we’re leaving in a few minutes, actually. Dad’s just grabbing the U-Haul.”

Alyssa starts typing, and a second later the chat window lights up.

_msanderson: literal uhaul lesbians. unbelievable_

_This message has been removed by the group leader._

Kate blushes, but Alyssa’s got her pegged. So what? She’s excited. Ecstatic. _Chloe._ Again, in the flesh, after three long months of daily calls. Alyssa cackles once she’s noticed the message’s removal, then her typing icon shows up again.

_msanderson: go get that PUSSAY girl!!_

_This message has been removed by the group leader._

Even Dana’s laughing now, and Kate can’t help but join in. There’s something to be said for Alyssa’s...enthusiastic support. “I’m really excited to see her again,” Kate admits quietly. “It feels like it’s been ages.”

“So are both your parents gonna meet her?” Alyssa asks. “I mean, I think your mom would literally die on the spot.”

“She’s washed the blue out,” Kate says. “And she said she’ll wear sleeves. She’s going to put on her best effort.”

Dana laughs. “That’s cute, imagining Chloe trying to be proper. She didn’t grow her hair out any more, did she? She’s been rocking the short cut since sophomore year…”

“She looks good with long hair,” Kate says, folding her arms. Quickly, Alyssa types in _of course you’d say that,_ and Kate doesn’t see a strong need to delete that one.

“She is so chopping it all off the second your parents leave,” Dana says. “The punk can’t be contained.”

“Shh, she’ll manage.” Kate hears her father thumping up the stairs. “All right, guys, it was nice to check in on you! I’ll talk to you once I’m all set up in my new apartment!” She resists the urge to squeal at that phrase.

The both of them bid her good luck on her journey, and Kate stands, ready to start her life.

 

* * *

 

Ugh. Hair’s too long.

Chloe stares at herself in the mirror with a grim expression. It’s all... _blonde._ And long, and honestly a little bit shaggy because she hasn’t gotten it trimmed or anything. She gathers it in one hand and pulls it back, imagining shaved sides and some goddamn color in it.

Better.

She sighs and lets it drop to her shoulders again, squaring herself back and trying to put on some decent posture. All right, yeah, if people saw her now they could think she was straight. And normal. She’s just wearing a hoodie and a loose tshirt, but it covers the scars and tat and everything, and the shirt doesn’t even have swear words on it, so bonus.

She wonders how long she can keep this up. Hiding like this. She hasn’t been in the closet for a long time. Her pride flag, freshly purchased, is carefully hidden away in her room. But she barely interacts with Kate’s family, and she’ll never put herself through the torture of attending their holidays and pretending to be the roommate. That was a condition she made clear. She’ll be hands-off. She doesn’t know if she really wants to be a part of Kate’s family, anyway. She’d be happier with just the two of them, but that’s just her bitterness talking.

She heads out into _their_ apartment, slinging herself across the loveseat in the living room. Time to wait and look very casual and not at all stoked to see her very gay girlfriend. Just...play-act, yeah, you’re just best friends.

How does one do that without being gay about it? Chloe looks back into her own past and abruptly realizes she has no experience. Well, she’ll just follow Kate’s lead.

The doorbell rings and Chloe rolls off the couch, standing and waiting a few seconds before heading to open the door. As it swings open, she sees Kate standing between her parents, suitcases in her hands.

“Chloe!” she shouts, dropping them at her feet and nearly knocking Chloe over with possibly the biggest hug of her life.

Right. Follow that lead.

Chloe doesn’t have time to reflect on how good it feels to have Kate in her arms again because she’s too busy looking sheepishly at Kate’s mom, who’s putting on a we-have-guests smile. “Hey, Marshes,” she offers weakly, trying to signal to them that she doesn’t care this much! Completely straight!

“You must be Chloe,” Kate’s mom says as Kate detaches herself, still looking giddy if a bit embarrassed. “I’ve heard...almost nothing about you.”

“Nothing much to tell,” Chloe says with a shrug, offering a hand. Deborah shakes it somewhat suspiciously. “Me and Kate just got put into the same bad situation and worked our way out of it.”

“...I see. I suppose that does forge a bond.”

Richard clears his throat. “Right! Anyway, Kate, if you would grab your suitcases, we can start moving in properly?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Kate nods and smiles, but her eyes are locked on Chloe, and she knows that soon they’ll be alone.

 

* * *

 

“I’ll meet you at the car, honey,” Richard calls as Deborah heads out the door. He turns back to Kate and Chloe, still panting from their furniture-lifting exertions. He stands to his full height and clears his throat, looking right at Chloe.

“Thanks for helping out, Mr. Marsh,” Chloe says as if standing to attention.

“Yes, of course. Chloe…”

Kate’s heart pounds in her chest. _Please_ don’t say anything now.

“Chloe, you’ll take care of her, won’t you? Like you did last year?” Richard looks almost vulnerable.

“Of course, Mr. Marsh.”

“Call me Richard, then. You’re part of the family now, whether you like it or not.”

Chloe rubs the back of her neck. “Uh, thank you.”

Kate’s suddenly wrapped in a big hug. “Good luck, Katie,” he whispers in her ear, holding her tight. “Be safe out in the big open world.”

“I will,” Kate promises.

They separate, and with a final nod, Richard leaves the apartment, closing the door behind him. Chloe visibly relaxes, shoulders dropping.

“And they don’t suspect a thing,” she says, splaying her arms out at her sides. Kate jumps into those arms, on her tiptoes, kissing her fiercely.

“God, I missed you,” she sighs, dropping her head to Chloe’s shoulder.

“I missed you more.”

Kate takes hold of Chloe’s hoodie, sliding it off her shoulders. “I missed your tattoo. And we _have_ to do something about your hair.”

“Reading my mind, Kate.” And they’re kissing again, and Kate’s reaching under Chloe’s shirt, and all the rest of the world is forgotten for a while.

 

* * *

 

It was one thing to have Kate’s promise. It was another to sign a lease. Another thing still to move in here and set everything up and wait for her.

But lying here in bed with Kate, in their own apartment, in a new city, is something else entirely.

Chloe tucks a stray strand of hair behind Kate’s ear, watching her peaceful, sleeping breath. So beautiful. So happy, her body still damp with sweat, still slightly flushed. Chloe nestles herself in against her, fitting their bodies together like puzzle pieces.

 _I CAN’T SLEEP_ has adorned the wall in Chloe’s room for years. For what feels like forever, Chloe’s been haunted by doubts and fears and anxieties, invading her dreams and forcing her into an irregular, jagged existence. But the walls are bare here, like fresh snow, and there are new paths to walk, side-by-side with another.

She closes her eyes, knowing that, at last, she will truly rest.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> _"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."_
> 
> Title and opening quote taken from "Psalms 40:2" by the Mountain Goats.
> 
> Heather, thank you so much for commissioning this work from me and being one of my dearest friends. May this next year bring us both brighter horizons. 
> 
> Merry Christmas.


End file.
